Before we spiral into the vortex of chest hair-growing, involuntary grunting, crotch-scratching and Arsenio Hall arm-pumping-style dude food this week, we need to prepare our stomach cavity. We need to massage it and stretch it. We need to put a damp towel around its shoulders and squirt cold water into it. Give it pep talks, […]
PASTAAAA. Has it been a hundred billion 81 years since I’ve eaten pasta? I think it has. No wonder I got sick. And this pasta has ACTUAL REAL LIFE ARROWS on each plate. Like, totes cupid-style. Heeey-oh! Just don’t stab your lover and blame me for the “accident.” I already have too much on my […]
Okay so there’s this….thing. That like, the majority of the population of the universe fah-rickin’ LOSE THEIR MINDS over to eat. They go to all kinds of lengths, risk important relationships, see expensive therapists, maybe even consider assassination for a single bite. I SAID MAYBE. But not me. For some reason, that one (or 45) […]
** I want to apologize if this is the 15 thousandth time you’ve gotten this post. Elves are experimenting behind the scenes. Thank you. ** I sweaaaaaaaaaar this is the last time I make you suffer through anything brusselsy or sprouty. Okay for at least 5 hours. Although, something makes me think you’re starting to […]
I have the best news ever! I’m sick. I blame my husband and whatever jerk or jerkette passed it along to him at work. Friday he came home complaining of sinus pressure and hints of fatigue and I was all, SISSY. But then I ran to the bathroom, rubbed echinacea powder and Robitussin all into […]
I don’t know how else to say this. But I would almost 100% rather have this meal coursing through my veins than blood. Okay wait, I take that back. I wouldn’t be able to taste it. What I really want is for a single ravioli with a light coating of tomato sauce to sit on […]
I WANT SPRING. We have a long way to go, don’t we? Tell you what, while we power through the next 8 weeks, 3 days, 17 hours and 23 seconds, here’s a leetle frozen papaya cocktail to help distract your soul from what’s actually going on outside. Go ahead and make 25 pitchers. GOSH, I’M […]
Story time! (heeeey now, there’s an ACCORDION in it.) I used to have a job that wasn’t related to food. I drove to a building. Sat at a desk. Hung out with human beings. Minimized chat windows and Facebook every time my boss walked by. Brushed my hair. When work slowed down this awesome woman […]
Okay so I accidentally bought over 3 pounds of brussels sprouts. IT WASN’T MY FAULT. I walked into the grocery store the other day and immediately my ears started giddy-ing out to Mariah Carey’s “Vision Of Love.” If you’ve ever been in a grocery store with me (or anywhere else on the entire freaking planet) […]
Hi. You know me. I like to stick weird things in food. Not that quinoa is weird or anything! But red quinoa? Who the what the where the when the how? Actually red quinoa isn’t weird at all either. Now, if the red quinoa was wearing a tutu, a French beret and jumping on a […]
