That Time I Peed and Passed Out At the Dentist

Oh don’t act so surprised.

Toothbrush. And a pee pee story.

Let me set the scene for you real quick. As if imagining me on the floor, lights out with urine soaking through my designer denim wasn’t enough.

It was the summer of 2004. I had just moved to Kansas City a few months before, so as I began to settle into my new urban life, the dreaded dentist appointment found its way to my calendar. Crap.

I have no idea how I even found this dentist. I hadn’t been to see one in an undisclosed amount of years, so needless to say my anxiety levels were influencing weather forecasts. See, I’m known to be a little high-strung (no, it’s true!), so adding the potential for needles in my gums is like me picking out my own coffin.

“It’s just a cleaning. No big deal. In and out. Let’s do this.”

. . . HE FOUND A CAVITY. (I guess I’ll go with white satin for the interior.)

And if that’s not enough, he had time to go ahead and fill it right THEN. (What do you think about white oak for the outside?)

I sat there, in that squeaky chair, pretty much dry heaving as I processed that I wasn’t leaving this tiny fluorescent, Kenny G-infused room until a jackhammer with swords had amputated my head off.

Him, “I’ll be right back and we’ll get this taken care of!” Me, panicpanicpanicpanicpanic.

Then the laughing gas came. “Oh, I’d forgotten about this! This isn’t so bad. I have cute toes. I should be a toe model in the tropical forest jungle. Grow my toenails out really long, place them on the bellies of polar bears and snort the nectar of WHY IS THE CEILING SPINNING. I like the spinning. My toes like it, too. I bet it spins in the jungle. I need those nectarous polar bears here to play cards with me right now.”

Then . . . the needle. “Am I feeling it? OMG I FEEL IT. THAT WASN’T BAD. It was just a tiny little sting. I think I can handle this. I can handle this. My phone’s ringing in my bag ha ha hah ah ah ah! WHO CALLS DURING A MAJOR FILLING SURGERY? I’m gonna give them a knuckle sandwich as soon as I find out who’s bothering me and my polar bear jungle toes. I want a milkshake.”

We’re done. Oh my gosh I’m alive. I lived it! I’m a true live adult! I can’t wait to tell the entire world. Even if I sound like a drunk, snagglelipped ewok.

I head to the lobby to pay up and head back to work. I slide my card across the counter, start to exclaim to the cashier how proud I was for surviving such a death-defying ordeal, when . . . ta-ta.

Teeth Molds. And a pee pee story.

I wake up like 4 hours later (maybe a minute) flat on my back with an oxygen tank hooked up to my face, six or seven people staring down at me with their hands over their mouths.

Did I faint? Did I seriously just faint? At least I didn’t pee myself.

“My jeans are wet. Why are my jeans wet?”

“You peed yourself,” said the polar bear. I mean dentist.

Goooood, good.

About 15 minutes later, after I’d gathered my wits and come to terms that I’d most definitely just pissed myself in a public office in front of half the population, I wrapped one of those blue paper smock things around my waist, held my head high (in my purse) and marched right on out there (physically ran).

Down the busy city streets of Kansas City.

During the lunch rush hour.

You see, peed pants isn’t a look one can exactly “own.”

You better believe it was another five years before I saw a dentist again.

The end.

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36 Responses to That Time I Peed and Passed Out At the Dentist

  1. Sarah October 28, 2014 at 12:39 am #
    Oh goodness I laughed so much while reading this. And also felt bad and wanted to offer a hug!
  2. Millie l Add A Little October 28, 2014 at 2:17 am #
    Hhaha this is absolutely hilarious - totally brightened up my morning! Although, it make me a bit anxious to take a trip to the dentist now ha!
  3. Rachel Taylor October 28, 2014 at 6:20 am #
    I died laughing while reading this! Great post!
  4. michelle October 28, 2014 at 8:02 am #
    I just peed my flannel pajamas reading that.
  5. Michelle @ Healthy Recipe Ecstasy October 28, 2014 at 8:14 am #
    Hahahha I love that story. Just what I needed this morning. I remember getting laughing gas at the dentist for my wisdom teeth removal (that's right - I was awake through the whole with my own polar bear who I referred to as Dr. Kevorkian) and before the screaming, crying and droopy mouth slobbering, I remember thinking how pretty my toes were.....
  6. natalie@thesweetslife October 28, 2014 at 8:23 am #
    thanks for making my morning!
  7. Heather October 28, 2014 at 8:31 am #
    Hilarious! Great start to my morning. Me laughing at your humiliation, that is ;)
  8. Ashley October 28, 2014 at 8:35 am #
    Wait. I've never gotten laughing gas! No fair!
  9. kelly @ livelovepasta October 28, 2014 at 8:48 am #
    bahaha
  10. Michele October 28, 2014 at 8:50 am #
    I'm going to stop being such a pansy at the dentist from now on!
  11. saundra October 28, 2014 at 8:54 am #
    thanks for the laugh
  12. Marisela | NomNom Kingdom October 28, 2014 at 9:53 am #
    This is amazing! Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. Made me laugh out loud in my cube! I hate the dentist too.....
  13. Sarah @ The Chef Next Door October 28, 2014 at 10:03 am #
    I have dental anxiety so I totally feel for you!! Now that it's done and time has passed, we can laugh about the experience. :)
  14. Rachel King October 28, 2014 at 12:00 pm #
    Oh Bev, you are too funny!!! Thank you for not keeping this stuff locked in that crazy brain. It wants to come out and play, let it!!! Oh, love those little people too. Blessings, Rachel
  15. Serena October 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #
    Long time reader, first time commenter, but DUDE. I did almost this exact same thing at the "holistic doctor" when they were trying to cure my allergies. Tried to walk down the hall to find a nurse and tell them I felt weird (imagine Will Ferrell post-tranq gun in Old School), and next thing I knew I awoke face down on the floor, dress around my waist, thong out, to someone in the distance saying, "Why is she so sweaty??" I feel like perhaps we are soul sisters...
    • Julie October 28, 2014 at 12:49 pm #
      HAHAHA, your story is funny too!
    • Bev Weidner October 28, 2014 at 1:05 pm #
      HAHAHAH! So you peed yourself, too?! Girl, let's make t-shirts. I mean pee-shirts.
  16. Michelle October 28, 2014 at 12:48 pm #
    I *so* needed a laugh right now. From the very bottom of my heart, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
  17. Rebecca October 28, 2014 at 3:19 pm #
    I tend to pass out after getting blood drawn. I'm all "Oh, I'm fine. I don't need to sit any more. I don't need that orange juice. I'm good to goooo...." face plant. Memorable occasions have been regaining conciousness by SNORING MYSELF AWAKE and the time my husband caught my limp body and started laughing (since he's a nurse and this happens often) while the doctor was horrified.
    • Cyd March 23, 2015 at 2:22 am #
      I snorted tea out of my nose when I read your reply to Bev's post, Rebecca, for I, too, have come out of a faint/operation/bad dinner party by snoring. I'm so happy to find I'm not alone in this world!
  18. Rachel - De Ma Cuisine October 28, 2014 at 6:03 pm #
    I fainted after getting my ears pierced when I was 8 or 9. My mom thought I was being silly and doing a little dance. And then I fell and hit my head on the display counter (and was totally fine). I also fainted as a grownup when getting blood drawn. I asked the Dr if it was going to hurt. She was all "yes"... "Put your head between your knees." "Ooop, lost you for a minute..." and then I was like out out. I woke to the sound of blood rushing past my ears, not being able to hear, convinced I was dying. And to the Dr making me hold the cotton ball on my arm, head still between my knees. I was permitted to lay down and as I lay there, wondering if I would ever get back up, I heard them laughing. The next time I got blood drawn I told that story the entire time and was fine (and also got the sympathy of a much nicer nurse). The end.
  19. Stephanie Hanson October 29, 2014 at 10:07 am #
    Oh my gosh...this literally made me laugh out loud in cubeville. You are awesome for sharing! And I am glad to know that we've all had bouts with peeing our pants at inappropriate times ;-)
  20. Jenny H. October 29, 2014 at 10:25 am #
    That's the funniest story ever!
  21. Stacey I October 29, 2014 at 1:23 pm #
    Best.Story.Ever. :) Too funny!! You poor thing - but you have such a way with words, I am dying laughing!!
  22. Melissa @ Treats With a Twist October 29, 2014 at 1:55 pm #
    OMG! You make me feel SO much better! I made a dentist appointment for the end of Nov and its all I can think about. I went to a dentist last 5 years ago...Yeah I have a feeling this story will be coming out of me live pretty soon. Gah. Last time I went, they found my first cavity, decided to fill it right there...and my TMJ locked my jaw open and it took them over 20 min of manipulating my face to get my mouth closed. Um, OUCH! I was dying. I'm scared.
  23. Sally October 29, 2014 at 9:45 pm #
    Oh this is my favorite Bev story, like ever. I tell it all the time. Love you!
  24. Michelle October 30, 2014 at 1:43 am #
    You made my day.
  25. Sarah O. November 10, 2014 at 5:31 pm #
    Haha, this is a glorious story. If it makes you feel any better, I once shit my skivvies in an ambulance.
  26. leather seat December 11, 2014 at 3:25 am #
    Oh, my! Hahahah:) This was so funny!...and sad, feel sorry for your jeans..
  27. Helena Smith June 1, 2015 at 7:56 am #
    This is hilarious you made my day :)
  28. Mitch Burton June 2, 2015 at 7:26 am #
    Thanks for the laugh while reading this! Great blogpost!
  29. Chloe Harrison August 13, 2015 at 5:46 am #
    hahaha you made my day :)
  30. Jessica October 2, 2015 at 6:34 am #
    Mine last dentist wasn't so funny, they took out my tooth nerve and the doctor said go buy some anaesthetics cause it could hurt a little. When his painkiller stoped working i start tooking some pills 1-2-3-4 and i almost past out in the public transport :)
  31. Susan Roberts November 25, 2015 at 9:12 am #
    Hello, interesting story but unfortunately, the visits to my dentist are a real nightmare! They look like heroes in a horror movie, with their small hell machines. I wash my teeth 3 or more times per day to prevent my visits to the dentist. :D

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Friday Flotsam | Bev Cooks - November 7, 2014 […] I have my wits together and am showing you a photo of my feet. IN THE DENTIST BATHROOM. Oh no, not that dentist! Lordy, no. My current dentist is amazing. And I don’t just throw those kinds of words […]
  2. Friday Flotsam | Bev Cooks - March 13, 2015 […] sort of on top of my dentist game, I have to say. And you might find it surprising based on what happened to me and my designer denim about ten years ago. But that was a different era, different dentist, […]

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