Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRRRRReederleedee.

When was the last time you peed your pants in public?

Perhaps that’s not as solid a start as it was in my head. Maybe it would help if I remind you of the time I peed my pants in public.

Yes, this is an actual blog post I’m writing in real life.

Maybe I should start by asking you to tell me your worst dental experience. BECAUSE MINE LED TO ME PEEING MY PANTS IN PUBLIC. Remember?

I know I told you the story a few years ago, but earlier this week I was thinking about fainting. Are you a fainter? When was the last time you fainted? I feel like I’m a mild fainter. It’s been years since I last fainted, but I remember fainting a number of times as a child. At like, handbell camp one time in the mid-’80s. I was mid-ring in this Parent Trap-style chapel, and boom – lights out. And then again in 10th grade at my friend Heather’s house, right in her kitchen. And then once when Aaron and I started dating. (I fainted on his TOILET – um, hello, horrifying.) What’s with all the fainting? What does fainting even mean? Am I low on iron or blood sugar? Do I just need more plants?

Wait, what was I talking about?

OHHH – dental nightmares.

Tell me your worst. What happened, when, how, why and are you starting to get over it?

I know you’ve got some gritty wisdom teeth stories up your sleeve. A few stomach-churning filling tales. Spit it out! (ha)

Speaking of, I need to call my dentist. Are people seeing dentists again? Do we still have dentists?

Dentistsdentistsdentists.

WAIT – peeing in public. Now I remember. When was the last time you pissed your actual pants in public?

I kind of feel like this post is traumatizing you all.

Do you ever think about Chili’s?

The chain restaurant, yes. Do you ever think about it? Remember Chili’s?

I used to love freaking Chili’s. Back in the late ’90s I was there like, once a month probably. You cannot look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t do something illegal for that skillet queso. You cannot.

I remember they had a Philly cheesesteak sandwich that my entire life was devoted to. Do they still make that? Has Chili’s gone down hill?

You know what, don’t tell me. I prefer to live in blissful oblivion.

If you need a brilliant and hilarious book idea for Valentine’s day, get this one. It’s called Love Poems for Married People and it’s the best thing on this planet. Remember when Ryan Reynolds read one of the poems in his IG Stories, and then The New York Times did a little writeup on it a few years back? Well, I bought it immediately (and have since gifted it to my in-laws and sister/her hubs) and it has been the source of so much hilarity and joy in our house for the last few years. The poems are nail-on-the-head accurate for anyone who’s been married for a long time. Or close to a long time. It’s all bone-dry, snarky humor that will have you peeing yoUR PANTS IN PUBLIC I KNEW I COULD BRING THIS AROUND.

Weekend plans?

You know I’m in KC, right? You know this is where the Chiefs are, right? Which means I’m eating something drenched in buffalo on Sunday. Go us! (we all know I’ll be reading Before We Were Yours while “watching” the game. it’s fine.)

While I have you, what are you eating on Sunday? I’m thinking these wings for sure, but not on the grill because we’re expecting buckets of snow. And maybe a dip? I like dips. You know I do. (<–said like Meryl Streep as Julia Child.)

From this week, in case you missed it:: Your moody mixtape! Are you listening? And this cheesy orzo bake with chicken and broccoli and DEUM, you’re already making it. Makes me so happy.

. . . are we okay?

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20 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Rebekah S February 5, 2021 at 10:04 am #
    Peed in ballet class yesterday. We had to jump Up and down with our legs spread apart. Not great for a 4-kids-40-year-old-bladder. I also went to the dentist yesterday so I’m 2 for 2 for all the unpleasant things. Haha Weekend plans include visiting with family and trying to stay warm.
  2. Jen February 5, 2021 at 10:21 am #
    I have such a fear of the dentist. I go every 6 months but terrified. I also have an irrational fear of flossing my teeth, I’m convinced flossing will break my teeth which then lands me at the dentist.
    • Laura Lee February 6, 2021 at 9:55 am #
      Aside from a few small accidents whildt coughing sneezing over the past 10 years #twinmom, I think it was on a field trip to the Museum of Natural History NYC in 1st grade. I was too shy to ask the chaperone if I could use the bathroom. It was a bad scene. As for the dentist- in college a tooth that I'd had a root canal in broke and I went to have it pulled, only the rest was happily ensconced in my gum. He yanked and pulled so hard! Then it shattered and I had all tiny shards of tooth in my mouth I had to try not to swallow. It was traumatic, especially considering I used to have dreams about my teeth falling out even before that.
  3. Jennifer C. February 5, 2021 at 10:38 am #
    Do you know how British people say "pissed" for our word "drunk"? I've been watching Last Tango in Halifax on Netflix and it's hilarious! Random but I wasn't able to think of anything else after I saw that word!
  4. Shannon S. February 5, 2021 at 10:45 am #
    My best friend from childhood (we are 47) go to a Wicked Woods every October and I pee my pants every single year. It’s become a joke because everyone knows I bring a change of pants.
  5. Corrina February 5, 2021 at 10:50 am #
    Four years ago I was told I needed to have some old fillings replaced (please note I had no pain) but the dentist said it was needed to be done to protect my teeth. Fast forward a week after fillings replaced....PAIN like I have never experienced before in my life. Back to the dentist who says, well one of your back molars may be too damaged from having the filling replaced (remember her original suggestion). So, now I need to have that tooth removed and she says she can do it in her office....45 minutes later she is literally sitting on my chest trying to pull the molar out....and decides she cannot get it all the way out....she sends me out to the waiting room (still filled with Novocain) and calls an oral surgeon to see if they can”squeeze” me in for an emergency extraction! I had to drive myself to the oral surgeon with my tooth hanging in my gums! I get to the oral surgeon and I text my Husband to bring him up to date. He leaves our 4 year old twins home with big brother and rushes to the surgeon’s office. The nurse calls me in and is horrified and brings the surgeon in, who is the sweetest man! I’m crying and have a mouth full of gauze and he listens to my story and then tells me he’ll finish removing the tooth and get everything patched up. 15 minutes later, I’m all stitched up, they let my husband come in andI start crying all over again. The surgeon gave me his personal cellphone number to call if I needed anything and about a bunch of prescriptions (antibiotics, probiotics, pain meds). He called me that night to check in on me! Two days later, I cannot open my mouth, it’s like my jaw is locked and I have the WORST taste in my mouth. Back to the surgeon....X-rays and and exam show I no have Thrush from the antibiotics and the original dentist cut the inside of my mouth (cheek) open with her extraction tool and caused a major infection. So, two weeks later l finally feel human again and had a follow-up with the surgeon and I’m waiting in the waiting room. The phone rings and the receptionist answers the phone and can you believe it....it’s my original dentist on the phone and she has ANOTHER patient that needs an emergency extraction! It took me two and half years before I could get up the courage to go to a dentist again!
    • Nancy February 5, 2021 at 12:27 pm #
      I hope you got a new dentist!!
  6. Robie February 5, 2021 at 11:01 am #
    Oh my gosh. You are sooooo stinkin' funny. About peed in my pants when I read the first sentence it so caught me off guard and was laughing so hard. Happy Fri-yay! And ALL of your recipes are a hit w/ the fam. If I am making something new, and my 17yr old daughter questions/challenges me w/ the recipe idea... I only have to validate the dinner decision with the simple words, "It's Bev's recipe." And she smiles. You and your website bring us such joy!
  7. brittany February 5, 2021 at 11:41 am #
    omg you played handbells! i like you even more now!
  8. Heather February 5, 2021 at 11:54 am #
    Ugh, dentists. I actually don't mind going to get my teeth cleaned, but hate all of the other stuff. In 2020 I went to the dentist 6 times!! One of the times was for a root canal, which wasn't bad, but whenever I'm really stressed my body starts shaking a lot (like I have the shivers and am super cold). The dentist, who also happens to be my neighbor got some blankets to put over me and gave me a ball to squeeze and focus my attention on. If I ever have to get another root canal we decided it would be drugs for me. Then at the end of last year, another one of my crowns cracked and I was just there last week to get it taken off and then I go back in a couple of weeks to get my new crown put on. Here is a little tidbit for you, crown's come with a warranty! Both of my crowns broke within three years of having them. They should last much longer and therefore are covered under warranty, so I don't have to pay for new ones, yay!! My dentist was astounded that I was able to break both crowns in such little time. I'm getting a gold crown now so it won't break. Luckily, the teeth are the very last ones in the back so I won't be flashing any gold when I smile :)
  9. Jill February 5, 2021 at 12:08 pm #
    I just cannot move beyond the words, "handbell camp". I am obsessed!
  10. Bethany February 5, 2021 at 1:04 pm #
    Dentist: Scheduled at the orthodontist to have my braces off after 2 years. At the appointment, they decided a couple teeth should be pulled instead resulting in 2.5 additional years of braces. Scarring for 13 year old me. Now I just always assume the worst at dental appointments. Peed pants: 6 months pregnant with #2. Too many incidents to count 😂
  11. Renae February 5, 2021 at 6:31 pm #
    I broke a tooth this week while eating an apple. It felt like it exploded. Tremendous. Dentist told me that old fillings are basically like wedges in your teeth that will cleave your teeth eventually with repeated chewing. What? So she wants me to have the “sister” tooth done before it happens to that one, too. No bueno. To say I am dreading the two appointments (plus two more) is an understatement. Good times.
  12. Kristin February 5, 2021 at 11:19 pm #
    I'm still stuck at the part where you said you were at handbell camp! 😳😂
  13. Aaron February 6, 2021 at 9:25 am #
    pee my pants every time we jump rope at CrossFit 🤷🏼‍♀️ so Thursday was the most recent time 😂
  14. Robin February 6, 2021 at 10:37 am #
    Plenty of dental stories as told from the other side of the chair, the DENTIST! Duh, duh, duh! :) Like the one time I was sweating trying to get out a big man’s lower canine, when all of a sudden, the tooth decides to literally rocket out of the socket. It whizzed past my face leaving a bloody skid mark on the side of my mask and landed in the middle of the hallway at least 6 feet behind me. More of a funny than a nightmare. We all got a good laugh from it. You aren’t the only one who has left the dental office with wet pants though, or a little less lunch!
  15. Susan February 7, 2021 at 4:12 pm #
    Chili's! I know you said you didn't want to know but you NEED to know. Our local Chili's has gone down hill and then some. No good came from a recent nostalgic visit. They used to make these incredible chocolate shakes topped with whipped cream and chocolate jimmies so we took our little granddaughters there for them. YUCK! How can you make a chocolate shake bad? I don't know, but Chili's figured it out. None of us ordered the same thing and no one got anything they liked. DON'T GO! Instead of a trip down Memory Lane, it's a trip to culinary hell.
  16. Lacy February 8, 2021 at 4:13 pm #
    As long as it's the Good Chili's, I ok with it.
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  18. Heather B. February 14, 2021 at 3:51 pm #
    That sound your noggin made when it hit the kitchen floor that time you fainted at my house was scary! Did you know I grew up to be a nurse who did tilt table tests on fainters? I wonder if you’d faint if we tilted you? Love you and miss you.

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