When was the last time you peed your pants in public?
Perhaps that’s not as solid a start as it was in my head. Maybe it would help if I remind you of the time I peed my pants in public.
Yes, this is an actual blog post I’m writing in real life.
Maybe I should start by asking you to tell me your worst dental experience. BECAUSE MINE LED TO ME PEEING MY PANTS IN PUBLIC. Remember?
I know I told you the story a few years ago, but earlier this week I was thinking about fainting. Are you a fainter? When was the last time you fainted? I feel like I’m a mild fainter. It’s been years since I last fainted, but I remember fainting a number of times as a child. At like, handbell camp one time in the mid-’80s. I was mid-ring in this Parent Trap-style chapel, and boom – lights out. And then again in 10th grade at my friend Heather’s house, right in her kitchen. And then once when Aaron and I started dating. (I fainted on his TOILET – um, hello, horrifying.) What’s with all the fainting? What does fainting even mean? Am I low on iron or blood sugar? Do I just need more plants?
Wait, what was I talking about?
OHHH – dental nightmares.
Tell me your worst. What happened, when, how, why and are you starting to get over it?
I know you’ve got some gritty wisdom teeth stories up your sleeve. A few stomach-churning filling tales. Spit it out! (ha)
Speaking of, I need to call my dentist. Are people seeing dentists again? Do we still have dentists?
WAIT – peeing in public. Now I remember. When was the last time you pissed your actual pants in public?
I kind of feel like this post is traumatizing you all.
Do you ever think about Chili’s?
The chain restaurant, yes. Do you ever think about it? Remember Chili’s?
I used to love freaking Chili’s. Back in the late ’90s I was there like, once a month probably. You cannot look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t do something illegal for that skillet queso. You cannot.
I remember they had a Philly cheesesteak sandwich that my entire life was devoted to. Do they still make that? Has Chili’s gone down hill?
You know what, don’t tell me. I prefer to live in blissful oblivion.
If you need a brilliant and hilarious book idea for Valentine’s day, get this one. It’s called Love Poems for Married People and it’s the best thing on this planet. Remember when Ryan Reynolds read one of the poems in his IG Stories, and then The New York Times did a little writeup on it a few years back? Well, I bought it immediately (and have since gifted it to my in-laws and sister/her hubs) and it has been the source of so much hilarity and joy in our house for the last few years. The poems are nail-on-the-head accurate for anyone who’s been married for a long time. Or close to a long time. It’s all bone-dry, snarky humor that will have you peeing yoUR PANTS IN PUBLIC I KNEW I COULD BRING THIS AROUND.
You know I’m in KC, right? You know this is where the Chiefs are, right? Which means I’m eating something drenched in buffalo on Sunday. Go us! (we all know I’ll be reading Before We Were Yours while “watching” the game. it’s fine.)
While I have you, what are you eating on Sunday? I’m thinking these wings for sure, but not on the grill because we’re expecting buckets of snow. And maybe a dip? I like dips. You know I do. (<–said like Meryl Streep as Julia Child.)
. . . are we okay?