Ow me lawd. Okay I need a cleanse. I’m done with the holidays. I’m rusting over. I’m corroding in my veins. I’m eroding in my lymph nodes. I’m oxidizing. I’m fossilizing. I’m homogenizing. And you’re grossed out right now. I forget just how much of an old lady I am, drinking my little tea and […]
Ummm, so I’m in New York City right now. I . . . have no idea. One moment I was staring at the wall scratching my armpits, and the next I’m in a cab in the middle of Manhattan on an impromptu trip with my home girl, Jessica. I’m sorry I called you home girl, […]
Oh, dudes. Is it okay if I call you dude? I know I’m almost 70 years old and it’s not exactly age appropriate, but the cyclone of my heart pump leads me down a path of juvenility unstoppable to even myself. I wish I could Brady-Bunch-opening-credit myself into the center of these photos and […]
Or as my soul beggeth, Chickeeeenwa burgers. And while we’re at it, don’t look too closely at my sweet potato fries. It’s hard to tell with the naked eye, but underneath all that Parenthood-(ahem)-induced, semi-burned crispy exterior, lie the soft, seasoned sweet potato fibers of Zion. But you don’t rightly care because you want to […]
Because super light chicken salad lettuce cups make total sense in December? Starting now, they do. Look, man, when the tidal wave of your soul current comes together with the nor’easter of your blood stream and it passes through the moon beam of your heart strings thus producing an internal hurricane of bloody frickin’ fervor […]
I want to tell you this was all about Superbowl planning, buuuuut it was just a Wednesday. Is it too early to even be thinking about Superbowl Sunday? It’s way too early, right? Waaay too early. Actually, let’s take a poll! (I almost typed pole. Ew. Let’s not take a pole, okay girls? Stay in […]
I have a few questions for you today. This is some serious stuff too. So sit down. You’re actually probably already sitting down, I realize, unless you’re in line at the DMV reading this on your phone, which in that case, ew. But if you’re in line at the post office with a bunch of […]
Taaaaayell me you’ve heard of poppy seed chicken. Oh my gosh, my mom made it 45 billion umpteen bo bumpteen trillion times growing up, and just the name alone totally reminds me of weeknight homework, 30 minutes of Nintendo and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It also reminds me of the local jail but I’m […]
So the other night I went to a little karaoke shindig for a good friend’s birthday. And as I’m sure you can imagine, it was like an acid trip for me. Constantly on stage with the mic firmly planted in my competitive grip, and my ’90s dramatic ballad ready to spill out of my body […]
This is a warning. The ingredients you are about to read may cause the following side effects: extreme weeping, sudden heart palpitations, tongue shock, blurry vision, then completely going blind, loss of hearing, dizziness, loss of consciousness, regained consciousness, only to be struck with an intense desire to climb onto your rooftop and sing to […]
