I have to have a colonoscopy. (oh, you needed a warning?)
A colonoscopy. A butt hose. I have to do that thing.
Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t the call I’d expected yesterday morning from my doctor after waiting a couple of weeks for the poop-in-the-bucket results.
(my mom is having a legit heart attack right now.)
I knew this was coming. I’ve known for a year. Ladies, when you turn 44 your doctor will gingerly remind you that a year from now you can either get a colonoscopy or poop in a bucket and mail it off. And which one would you rather do? – she’ll ask.
Well the obvious answer is, bucket poop.
(like, my mom is quite near a solid faint at this moment.)
So I turned 45, giggled uncomfortably with my doctor, made a few butt puns, and the kit was ordered.
The task was . . . ahem, performed. (the box sat on my front porch though for THE ENTIRE DAY. I texted my neighbor girlfriends – “there’s still a turd on my front porch in case any of you needed this information right now.”)
And the results came back. Positive. Positive for what? I dunno, markers or something? All I know is that I pooped in a freaking bucket and STILL have to get the rectum pipe.
It’s not for a while. A few months, so I have plenty of time to let my anxiety fester. Yay?
Have you had a colonoscopy? I hear the worst part is the prep. The day before. You drink something gross and sh*t your entire brains out. And you can’t eat, is that seriously right? No food? What about water? Will I survive?
Tell me about your anal siphon experience.
Also we’re obviously starting a metal band called Anal Sipho- no?
Did you have a pager?
(mom, you can breathe again.)
Did any of you have a pager growing up? This is something I REALLY need to know because I never did. And none of my friends did! Reminder, I’m 45 (and pooped in a bucket) so my formative years were THE ENTIRE ’90s. I “graduated” junior high in ’91, high school in ’94, college in ’98. None of us had pagers! Who even had a pager? I thought they were mostly reserved for drug leaders and men who wore crushed velvet and patent leather. Is that not right?
I only ask because Kacey Musgraves has a new song called Simple Times, and in it her lyrics are like “I won’t be waiting by the phone so you can hit me on the pager.”
DID SHE HAVE A PAGER, YOU GUYS?
I can’t picture Kacey Musgraves glancing down to . . . a pager hahahahah! I’m honestly laughing out loud. How old is she? Weren’t pagers between our ages? I have no idea.
Did you have one? And how old are you? And tell me how you’d use it. Were you on call at the hospital because I feel like that’s legit the only excuse for having a pager. WHO HAS A PAGER?
That album is super amazing, by the way. One of my favorites will be on my October mixtape next week so you just saddle up, pigeon.
(did you really have a pager??)
Speaking of October, tonight we’re kicking off our traditional Halloweidner month with a scary movie marathoooooon hooohohohhHAHAHAHAHAH! (just lean in)
This is the plan, and I need your input.
Pajamas by 6pm.
Ghostbusters first with the kids. (they’ve seen it a lot, ain’t scared at all.)
Then after they’re in bed, The Woman in the Window and dark chocolate nibbles for us! Remember when we read it a couple of years ago? I can’t WAIT for this. I think Amy Adams is brilliant, and perfect for this role. Did you agree? What did you think? Tell me immediately.
My main question is, what spooky movies are you watching this month? We’ve got the classics on the list of course, but what new releases should we NOT MISS OR ELSE? And what are you watching tonight to kick off the month? I’m overthinking this, I know.
But tell me.
How again have they not found Brian Laundrie yet?
Not. A. Thing! Besides mowing, edging, reading, grabbing a pumpkin or 40, perhaps a pantry deep clean, a shoe reorg, a jeans drawer straightening, a revisit to my gallery wall, a cozy blanket hunt, some laundry, groceries, a run or two, a cappuccino at French Market, and some planning for the haunted house we’re hosting on Halloween (hold me).
So yeah, nothing!
From this week, in case you missed it::: Bistro Pizza with Broccoli and Canadian Bacon. It’s fashionable and fun! Get in that. And then Slow Cooker Salsa Verde Chicken Burritos. Ummmm, so flavorful and super simple. Ya need it immediately.
It was a plastic bucket, but really we don’t have to talk about this anymore.