Friday Flotsam

FrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRROCTOber!

I have to have a colonoscopy. (oh, you needed a warning?)

A colonoscopy. A butt hose. I have to do that thing.

Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t the call I’d expected yesterday morning from my doctor after waiting a couple of weeks for the poop-in-the-bucket results.

(my mom is having a legit heart attack right now.)

I knew this was coming. I’ve known for a year. Ladies, when you turn 44 your doctor will gingerly remind you that a year from now you can either get a colonoscopy or poop in a bucket and mail it off. And which one would you rather do? – she’ll ask.

Well the obvious answer is, bucket poop.

(like, my mom is quite near a solid faint at this moment.)

So I turned 45, giggled uncomfortably with my doctor, made a few butt puns, and the kit was ordered.

The task was . . . ahem, performed. (the box sat on my front porch though for THE ENTIRE DAY. I texted my neighbor girlfriends – “there’s still a turd on my front porch in case any of you needed this information right now.”)

And the results came back. Positive. Positive for what? I dunno, markers or something? All I know is that I pooped in a freaking bucket and STILL have to get the rectum pipe.

It’s not for a while. A few months, so I have plenty of time to let my anxiety fester. Yay?

Have you had a colonoscopy? I hear the worst part is the prep. The day before. You drink something gross and sh*t your entire brains out. And you can’t eat, is that seriously right? No food? What about water? Will I survive?

Tell me about your anal siphon experience.

Also we’re obviously starting a metal band called Anal Sipho- no?

Oh.

Okay.

Did you have a pager?

(mom, you can breathe again.)

Did any of you have a pager growing up? This is something I REALLY need to know because I never did. And none of my friends did! Reminder, I’m 45 (and pooped in a bucket) so my formative years were THE ENTIRE ’90s. I “graduated” junior high in ’91, high school in ’94, college in ’98. None of us had pagers! Who even had a pager? I thought they were mostly reserved for drug leaders and men who wore crushed velvet and patent leather. Is that not right?

I only ask because Kacey Musgraves has a new song called Simple Times, and in it her lyrics are like “I won’t be waiting by the phone so you can hit me on the pager.”

DID SHE HAVE A PAGER, YOU GUYS?

A PAGER?

I can’t picture Kacey Musgraves glancing down to . . . a pager hahahahah! I’m honestly laughing out loud. How old is she? Weren’t pagers between our ages? I have no idea.

Did you have one? And how old are you? And tell me how you’d use it. Were you on call at the hospital because I feel like that’s legit the only excuse for having a pager. WHO HAS A PAGER?

That album is super amazing, by the way. One of my favorites will be on my October mixtape next week so you just saddle up, pigeon.

(did you really have a pager??)

Speaking of October, tonight we’re kicking off our traditional Halloweidner month with a scary movie marathoooooon hooohohohhHAHAHAHAHAH! (just lean in)

This is the plan, and I need your input.

Pizza takeout.

Pajamas by 6pm.

Sauv blanc.

Ghostbusters first with the kids. (they’ve seen it a lot, ain’t scared at all.)

Then after they’re in bed, The Woman in the Window and dark chocolate nibbles for us! Remember when we read it a couple of years ago? I can’t WAIT for this. I think Amy Adams is brilliant, and perfect for this role. Did you agree? What did you think? Tell me immediately.

My main question is, what spooky movies are you watching this month? We’ve got the classics on the list of course, but what new releases should we NOT MISS OR ELSE? And what are you watching tonight to kick off the month? I’m overthinking this, I know.

Never mind.

But tell me.

How again have they not found Brian Laundrie yet?

Weekend plans?

Not. A. Thing! Besides mowing, edging, reading, grabbing a pumpkin or 40, perhaps a pantry deep clean, a shoe reorg, a jeans drawer straightening, a revisit to my gallery wall, a cozy blanket hunt, some laundry, groceries, a run or two, a cappuccino at French Market, and some planning for the haunted house we’re hosting on Halloween (hold me).

So yeah, nothing!

From this week, in case you missed it::: Bistro Pizza with Broccoli and Canadian Bacon. It’s fashionable and fun! Get in that. And then Slow Cooker Salsa Verde Chicken Burritos. Ummmm, so flavorful and super simple. Ya need it immediately.

It was a plastic bucket, but really we don’t have to talk about this anymore.

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21 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Kristin October 1, 2021 at 8:00 am #
    The prep is definitely the worst part. The, "What? You're done already? That was the best sleep I've had in years. Now I understand Michael Jackson and his sleep "doctor"" is the best part. Oh, and if you are getting ready and you hear them telling people near you to pass some gas after their procedure, just ignore the fact that they will probably be telling you to do that too because, if they did, I don't remember, and hopefully you won't either. Good luck! No pager, but I am ten years older than you. Planning to march for women's reproductive choice on Saturday from the Crossroads to the City Market, and hoping the line at the City Market Coffee Shop isn't insane when we get there, because my fam is addicted to their Chai shakes and I love their lattes.
  2. Diane October 1, 2021 at 9:38 am #
    I did not have a pager...graduated in 92. I’m 47 and have not had my first colonoscopy. My OB/GYN has not suggested it yet. I don’t have a regular doctor, I should. I get mammograms regularly now though. 🙌🏼 Our dog had knee surgery (again), so we’ll be home working on his physical therapy this weekend. Oh and maybe trying a new restaurant that is “Mexi-Cue”. Sausage of the month is ghost pepper frito pie. ❤️
  3. Sarah October 1, 2021 at 9:42 am #
    Yes I had a pager, make that two! 😂 A blue one that was lost and a teal one that was stolen. I’m 39, graduated in ‘00… and yes I did the numbers that turned into hello(07734, four looked like a h back then and you had to turn it upside down) and also boobs(58008, again the numbers looked different, not that I’m excusing the absurdity!).
  4. Sarah October 1, 2021 at 9:47 am #
    Prep is a pain. It wasn't super long without food, which I too was worried about, but you do drink a ton of gross stuff that makes you poop out your insides. Colonoscopy itself was not bad. I am 41 and definitely had a pager. It was blue transparent lol. We used to type each other important messages in numeric form like where to meet to hang out. I felt really cool when I got it and it let me (sort-of) communicate with my bestie who was long distance from me (remember when ld phone calls were a thing?)
  5. Kristin October 1, 2021 at 10:10 am #
    Oh, oh! Forgot to say that I made your tomato risotto with roasted corn last night, and it is DELICIOUS!! Thank you!
  6. Dayna Payne October 1, 2021 at 10:22 am #
    I'm 69 and have had several since I have the big colon C in my family. Oh joy of joys, right?!? The prep is definitely the worst part....the sleep after is the best part. No wait, I guess the best part for me is getting a "clean" bill of health. I have to have one every 5 years!!!. Here's some advice...take a pillow and magazines to the toilet because you are gonna want to camp out in there once the "action" starts. I always schedule mine for first thing in the am, so consequently I am up all night having a "blast" in the bathroom. The other thing is, and I know this is gross, but get some Balenol for your butt, cause after "wiping/dapping" your butt so MANY times, you are going to want something cool and soothing, trust me on this. Good luck and I hope everything comes out "clean" for you. Signed a Nana in KC
  7. Heather October 1, 2021 at 10:22 am #
    I had to have a colonoscopy at 40 and I will need to get one every 5 years because of a history in my family. The prep was the worst part, but everyone talked about how horrible it was, but it ended up not being as bad as I expected. There were two preps that were offered to me and I went with the one that was supposedly not as bad (I wish that I could remember what it was). Also, my insurance didn't cover the prep and it was $100 out of pocket and the nice pharmacist said that I would be literally flushing down the toilet $100 and that usually the offices get samples and told me to check to see if they had any that I could have and sure enough they did, so I got it for free. Yes, no eating. I could have broth and fruit juices (had to be a certain color) up to a certain point. I could have jolly ranchers, suckers, and gummy bears (I can't remember what else was on the okay list). I just stayed in bed near my bathroom for easy access. The procedure was super easy (they put me under) and I woke up feeling like I had taken a nice nap and not that something was up my poop hole :)! Good luck with yours and I hope everything comes out normal!
  8. Tobi October 1, 2021 at 12:18 pm #
    The prep tastes terrible but I added ice and it helped. Fasting was pretty difficult, too, but I heated up cups of clear broth and drank that every so often and it made it tolerable. That, combined with the “purge”, I felt like I lost more than a few pounds - bonus! Good luck!
  9. Katy K October 1, 2021 at 12:33 pm #
    Yes, I had a pager, but in 2001 (it was a text pager), I was 30. I was pregnant and my husband wanted me to be able to communicate with him wherever I was. We didn't want the expense of a cell phone. Honestly, it was kind of annoying... Finally got cell phones in 2003. I'm always a late adopter for tech stuff! I had my first colonoscopy last spring. You have heard correctly, the prep is the worst part. It certainly wasn't any fun, but it wasn't that horrible, either. The actual procedure was great because I was out for it! I did go to bed when I got home, slept for 3 hours, then had dinner. Everything was back to normal after that. Much like a mammogram, the unknown is scarier than the actual procedure.
  10. Cass October 1, 2021 at 12:41 pm #
    The no eating was the worst for me. I was cold all day I guess from starving? I drank broth for dinner and it was heavenly if that tells you anything! By the morning of the procedure I felt so drained- the starving plus shitting your brains out is not a good combo. I threatened my husband with divorce if he did not have a QT diet doctor pepper in the car when he picked me up. Procedure itself was nothing.
  11. Bianca October 1, 2021 at 12:56 pm #
    Gosh I love your Friday Flotsam, NEVER EVER stop!! Sorry I yelled. I'm 36 so I have no clue on the big C but good luck! And yeah, how in 2021 Brian Laundrie is still "missing" is a real head scratcher. He's dead and tucked away somewhere under a tree stump... that's the only reasonable explanation. The kiddos love Hocus Pocus of course, hubby loves Halloween, but I honestly cannot do it - never have been able to handle that psychopathic trip. What We Do in the Shadows is hilarious. Young Frankenstein, Beetlejuice, The Addams Family... all classics!
  12. Julie Pearson October 1, 2021 at 1:25 pm #
    Okay. Here goes. I have Chron’s Disease so I am practically a professional pooper. A super duper pooper one might say. The worst part is definitely the prep, it’s disgusting. It seems only the most delicious food is prepared on the day I can’t have anything to eat. You most definitely crap your brains out and at some point will think you’ve passed and internal organ, but you didn’t (I hope!) My only advise is to tell the doctor you want to be knocked out. Most doctors do, but I make the anesthesiologist swear an oath that I won’t remember a thing. At that point they decide they don’t want the crazy lady conscience any more and the next thing I remember, I’m in the recovery room. I try to think of it as a really powerful juice cleanse that lasts for one day and ends with really good drugs.
  13. Melissa October 1, 2021 at 5:32 pm #
    I’m 48 and did not have a pager but my husband did ! I only remember him using it when I was pregnant though so I felt that was legitimate 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have not had to poop in a box yet but my physical is in 2 weeks and I fear My doctor will have that conversation with me now! Have a great weekend ! Thanks for always making me laugh!
  14. Jenn P October 2, 2021 at 9:39 am #
    As someone who has to have a colonoscopy every six months, I've learned a few things. 1. Get the first or second appointment of the day. That way your "fast" is through the night and you don't notice it. 2. Do a half assed juice cleanse for the 2 days before you start the prep (but no beet juice). By half assed, I mean eat a light dinner, with easily digestible foods (no kale, or roughage). That'll clean you out a bit before you start, at which point the actual cleaning out is a lot less stressful. When you start your prep, put on some comfy sweats, grab a book, and just do it. Designated a bathroom for yourself - cuz when it starts, it STARTS, and you don't want to be fighting a kid for potty time - and you'll be fine. The worst part is the taste of the prep, depending on what kind you have. But once that part is over, the actual procedure is fine. I didn't have a pager, but wanted one desperately. My best friend and my boyfriend both had one, but my parents (one of whom was a doctor and really didn't see the magic of a pager since he had one for work) figured I already had my own line and a pager was unnecessary.
  15. Janine October 2, 2021 at 10:23 am #
    oh my dear. you have to read Dave Barry on prepping for and having a colonoscopy: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all. 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    • Bev Weidner October 3, 2021 at 7:09 am #
      I AM DYING! I love Dave Barry (and have for decades) so much, I have no idea how I missed this piece! Thank you so much for pasting it in here. You've made my entire month. :)
    • Kristin October 3, 2021 at 11:27 am #
      I laugh myself silly every time I read this!! Probably his best ever!
  16. Erin October 3, 2021 at 12:03 pm #
    Your exact same age and I totally had a pager. It was pink. I think my (older) boyfriend who may have dabbled in procuring people a certain green leafy thing that makes them feel feelings of joy procured it for me. Of course I thought I was cool until you are going about your day and someone is "blowing up" your pager and you have to find a pay phone (!) and then quarters just to call them and have them say 'where you at? what are you doing?'..... Oh you are taking me back. 45 and no colonoscopy nor mammograms yet. Admittedly, I am not a big doctor visit kind of person, but reading this is inspiring me to maybe get all the tests over the next year of so.
  17. pathom October 4, 2021 at 8:15 am #
    My two most recent colonoscopies were "conscious sedation" and I actually found it kind of fascinating. You can't feel a thing but I could see the monitor and how often does a person actually get to see the inside of themselves? Prep is annoying, but not the worst thing in the world. Bottom line (see what I did there?): Not as big of a deal as many people think.
  18. Nancy October 5, 2021 at 9:28 am #
    Everyone else has done a wonderful job of describing the joys of a colonoscopy so all I will say is BE SURE YOUR INSURANCE APPROVES IT. I was going to have one at age 49 and went for the initial visit and thankfully, the woman in the insurance department noticed my age and said we need to be sure they approve it for someone under 50 and my insurance company would not approve payment until I turned 50. So not only did she save me thousands out of pocket but I got to wait another year before the fun began. I really should be having one about now but I've had several and TBH, it's the LAST thing I want to do. The prep sucks. Pure & simple, it SUCKS! Wishing you the best!
    • Bev Weidner October 5, 2021 at 9:31 am #
      Oh, girl - insurance was step one! I'm all over that, trust me. ;)

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