Friday Flotsam


This is a tree in my back yard and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s even real. And it’s getting bigger and bigger and more and more vibrant each year! Which is . . . well, on par and quite expected for the whole time continuum thing.

Reminds me of an old Tig Notaro joke, when she gets an invitation to a five year old’s birthday party (or something like this) and the invite says, “Isn’t it crazy? She’s five!” And Tig, in her classic slow-paced-slight-nasal-but-velvet delivery, “It’s not crazy. It’s . . . normal. It would be crazy . . . if she stayed four.”

I’m not getting it right at ALL but it was hilarious, you guys.

Speaking of Tiggy (I call her Tiggy), who’s your favorite comedian? We’ve never talked about this before! How have we NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

When we went to Connecticut a couple of summers back (oh! to answer those who’ve been asking if we’re taking a coastal relocation this year – nope. thank goodness, right? we’d decided last fall that we’re pausing on travel for 2020 to remodel the house. and now we’re obviously pausing on the remodel to uh, not get the ‘Rona. next year!), we got really into stand-up. Every night once we put the kids down in their little bunk beds we’d binge on Netflix specials like whoa.

Here are my faves:

Jim Gaffigan (yes of course I watch him on CBS Sunday morning – he’s the perfect Andy Rooney replacement. No choice ever in the world would have been better.)

John Mulaney – the way he punctuates his delivery with those long legs flailing around like a soldier, omg. perfection.

Tig Notaro – forever and ever. and ever.

Ali Wong – oh dear. but so much yes. (mom you better skip her)

Natasha Leggero – that Netlflix special with her husband where they roast members of the crowd oooooooohmuguuuh. Painfully funny. And like, TRUE WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT? (mom skip her, too.)

I have so many more that I love, and OBVIOUSLY this list excludes classics like Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Ellen D., Steve Martin, etc.

Oh! And this list excludes my personal faves like the SNLers Wiig, Rudolph, etc.

I’m taking about stand-up mainly.

Tell me who you love!

Okay bye.

This whole Corona has been giving me weirdest, most bizarre dreams. Are you having crazy dreams, too? I think everyone is.

Like, the other night I dreamed that my car’s (okay fine, Ashlee, MINIVAN’s) brakes went out and the car drove itself (with me at the wheel) onto a HIGHWAY INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. And I had a head-on collision with a semi truck. And I saw the driver’s face right before we hit. He was brunette with big wide eyes and a trucker’s hat. Ha! My dreams are so cliche.

But in the dream I thought, “Okay I’m about to die right now. Unless I’m dreaming because I feel like this might be a dream. I guess we’ll see.” And my car went through his semi like Casper and I was . . . okay on the other side. Dark, right? I looked up what car wreck dreams mean and it was basically like, “You don’t have control.” Well no sh, Sherlock.

And then the NEXT night I dreamed that I went to my hair salon and it was PACKED. People all up on each other hugging, high fiving, shacking hands, no masks, no nuttin’, and I was like, “Well crap this is how I die.” Because the car wreck wasn’t dramatic enough.

But my hair stylist, WITHOUT ASKING cut all my hair off to my ears and dyed it bright blue. Like a teenage neon blueberry lightning bolt. Listen, I might be a smidge punk at heart but my hair stays classic NOW IT’S MURDER TIME, AMBER.

Tell me your dreams. I need to know what level of mental breakdown I’m currently hovering at. (<–you like that dangling preposition?)

We’ve been eating so many chips, you guys.

Chips have always been my ultimate vice. (besides wine) My absolute 100% die-hard favorite snack. It’s that salty crunch that soothes my soul innards and whispers, “You hear that crispy crunch in your mouth? That’s my love. You feel that savory explosion on your tongue? That’s my devotion. Also never dye your hair blue.”

I have favorites, of course. But I want to ask, who do you think would win in a fight?

Ruffles classic potato chip against a nacho cheese Dorito?

Salt and vinegar Kettle chip against a Cheeto?

Kettle jalapeno chip against a Cool Ranch Dorito?

Lays potato chip against a classic tortilla chip?

Ruffles SOUR CREAM AND ONION against a dang Pringle? (that one’s tricky.)

You’re like, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Oh we can. We can and we will. In my mouth in less than one minute.

Finishing Dear Edward this weekend! I’m really liking it. It’s SAD, but I need to know how this plane crashes. And if there’s some weird twist. Is there a twist? Or is it just sad? You can tell me.

After this I’ll take a tiny book break and catch up on Little Fires Everywhere. But right after THAT I’ll be starting Such a Fun Age, if you want to join me!

Here’s my last book club post, if you need a refresh on what we’re reading and what’s to come. I’m already crafting the list of five for the next round that will take us closer to summer. That Evelyn Hugo book, for sure. Maybe another Jennifer Weiner book? Oooooo another Hilderbrand! She’s so summery.

Thoughts on American Dirt? Should we? I hear it’s incredible, but I also want LIGHT FLUFF PIDDLY PUFF LIDDLY LUFF MUFF FLUFF. (<–it’s a thing.)

Weekend plans?

Hahahahahahahhahhaha!!! oh.

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26 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Marielle Harrington April 17, 2020 at 9:25 am #
    Classic tortilla chip with MAYBE a hint of lime every time! And an increase in dreams is apparently a real thing during a pandemic. You know allll those pandemics they've studied. ;)
  2. Nancy April 17, 2020 at 9:27 am #
    I love black bean chips; Beanitos to be exact. Started eating them during a phase where I felt I needed to be gluten/corn/whatever free but still eat them and love them! What is that little cake in the picture above? It looks divine! Is the recipe somewhere on your blog? And thanks for the stand up recs; I could definitely use some humor about now!!
  3. Bryan Trainor April 17, 2020 at 10:09 am #
    I love Kathleen Madigan. Her standup "In Other Words" is one of my absolute favorites! And travel plans include Hawaii (when it reopens, ugh) to have our isolated beach wedding and some R&R which is going to be very much needed after this whole S***show. Glad you guys are staying safe and sane (save the dreams).
  4. Lynn April 17, 2020 at 11:04 am #
    We just discovered Mike Birbiglia (late to the party). Also, Gary Gulman - look up his Trader Joes joke on youtube. He has (or had) an HBO stand-up show called The Great Depresh, which is funny/honest/adorable/real.
  5. Amanda M April 17, 2020 at 11:16 am #
    Oh my gosh. Favorite comedians for the week/month/as long as I’m stuck at home watching Netflix specials - Kevin Hart and Bert Kreischer. Both probably best suited for after bedtime, but I cry when I watch! Also - Nacho cheese dorito destroys a Ruffles chip. Cheeto beats kettle chips because, cheese. Kettle jalapeño v. cool ranch is hard. I’m gonna go with kettle, but by a cheap shot. Will rematch again soon. Classic tortilla beats out a Lays chip. You can put Lays with ranch dip, but you can pair a tortilla chip with salsa AND queso. Boom. Also, sour cream and onion trumps any flavor Pringles.
  6. Heather April 17, 2020 at 11:28 am #
    I was in the security line at the San Diego airport a couple of years ago and I hear over the loud speakers, "TIg Nataro please come to gate ____." I thought to myself that it had to be her because it's such an unusual name. Of course, since security takes forever for people like me without TSA pre-check by the time I got up to the gates I didn't see her anywhere. Then I started to doubt if I had actually heard her name, but I swear it was her name. I was so excited to maybe see her....I liked Dear Edward and it was sad, but I enjoyed the writing. American Dirt is good, but it is not light fluff, so maybe skip that one right now :)
  7. Susan M. April 17, 2020 at 12:08 pm #
    I am totally having weirdo dreams.....and I usually never ever remember my dreams, but I wake up in the morning and remember EVERY ridiculous detail !!! Oh and check out Sebastian funny!
  8. Anonymous April 17, 2020 at 1:13 pm #
    Ruffles classic potato chip against a nacho cheese Dorito? Ruffles Salt and vinegar Kettle chip against a Cheeto? S&V forever Kettle jalapeno chip against a Cool Ranch Dorito? This is a toughie! Imagine a jalapeno ranch Dorito! Lays potato chip against a classic tortilla chip? Depends on the dip accompaniment Ruffles SOUR CREAM AND ONION against a dang Pringle? SC&O I've been having CRAZY dreams as well. It's so annoying. Check out Iliza Schlesinger (NOT her variety show, it's terrible. Only her standup) and Katherine Ryan. They're great as well.
  9. Tobi April 17, 2020 at 2:12 pm #
    How apropos I was eating lunch while reading this and I have Cheetos on my plate! I love Cheetos! Also very close runner ups are old-school taco Doritos and pepperocini Kettle chips. I have a running list of stand-up to watch on Netflix, too, so thank you for the suggestions. Happy weekend! :)
  10. Emily April 17, 2020 at 3:26 pm #
    OK- so much to say. First- that tree is amazing. I just LOVE IT. Also, I am having all the weird dreams too. Of course at the moment i cannot remember a specific story, but I definitely have that same thought... "...unless this is a dream..." As for the chip wars I'm going Doritos, Cheeto, Doritos, Tortilla, and Pringles. All the OGs win. but man, i am with you- salty crunchy goodness soothes my soul!!! I need to do a stand-up marathon. We all need more laughing these days for sure. I do love some "Comedians in Cars getting Coffee" with Seinfeld. Finally- my 14yo did an ombre dye job last night of Tenacious Teal from Sephora (semi-permanent)!! It'll wash out, so WTH, right?! Happy weekend!
    • Bev Weidner April 18, 2020 at 8:07 am #
      Loooooove Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee - Jerry Seinfeld is tops for me. I can't believe I didn't include him in the post. SHAME, BEV. :)
  11. Tara April 17, 2020 at 3:30 pm #
    Dorito Salt & Vinegar Kettle Neither Tortilla chip Sour Cream & Onion Ruffle For suresies
  12. Christi April 17, 2020 at 4:22 pm #
    I have tremendously vibrant and realistic dreams and pretty much always remember them, much to my little sister's disdain. i started EVERY morning when we were teens with "OMG, my dream last night..." she hated it. And FYI - I actually have blue hair :)
    • Bev Weidner April 18, 2020 at 8:06 am #
      But see, I bet you look fabulous with blue hair! I'd look like an insano person. :)
  13. Jackie April 17, 2020 at 4:41 pm #
    Tom Papa Live in New York City - so good.
  14. Cody April 17, 2020 at 6:13 pm #
    First of all NOTHING beats Salt and vinegar kettle chips Second you should read: Whistlin' Dixie in a Nor'easter: A Novel (Dixie Series) Why no details on the pie?
    • Bev Weidner April 18, 2020 at 8:06 am #
      I'll check out that book, for sure! Oh - it was a little mini chocolate tart thingy we got at French Market a few weeks ago on our anni. :)
  15. Erin Winter April 17, 2020 at 6:20 pm #
    Dreams: The other night I dreamt that Kanye West and I put on this GINORMOUS musical/art piece thing at this huge estate, involving multiple sets and hundreds of cast and all the attendees where these avant gard socialites.... I woke up wondering how the F*** my brain come up with that whole extravaganza and dying to rewatch it!!! Chips: S&V Kettle and Cool Ranch Doritos forever! But, you know the really money crunch: Honey Mustard Pretzel pieces.....oh the angels sing!
  16. Lori April 17, 2020 at 8:24 pm #
    You have to check out Iliza Schlesinger on Nextflix. Elder Millennial and Unvelied are hilarious. She gets engaged when she's 35 and everything she says is spot on.
  17. Eatthisdud April 17, 2020 at 9:56 pm #
    Between that amazing photo and opening with a tig notaro joke, I couldn’t love you any more. Mitch Hedberg is my og comedian, but for sheer repeatable watches I’d go with Iliza Schlesinger and Gabriel Iglesias. That physical comedy with a side of sound effects has me rolling on the floor. “Do you wanna get tapas?” Gary Gulman was the first comedian I ever saw live. It was in a room of 500 freshman at an all women’s college, he’s a brave soul, and so on point. In the chip thunderdome battle royale..Ruffles all the way, it’s basically a cheese grater for the roof of your mouth. Maybe a kettle chip could stand up to all that sawing, but a dorito would just turn to delicious dust. That golden dust can then be used to make fried chicken in that air fryer you just bought because what else are you doing with your life right now?
    • Bev Weidner April 18, 2020 at 8:04 am #
      Miiiiiitch is a favorite of mine, too! "But I want a regular later, so yeah." :)
  18. Lori H April 18, 2020 at 8:25 am #
    Chips are my downfall as well, especially with some kind of dip (ohhhh). But the chip that will win every match-up IMO is a Kettle Jalapeno chip. Once my tongue tingles from the spiciness, I cannot stop. Which is why I am currently not buying them! Note: my husband went rogue the other day and bought a big bag of them. I have hidden them but they are sweetly singing in my!
  19. Annie M. April 18, 2020 at 10:22 am #
    First, popcorn has been our downfall during the quarantine season. We buy huuuuuge bags of Skinnytaste popcorn at Costco every 3 weeks, and hubby and I have popcorn and wine for “happy hour” anytime after 5ish pm at home. (Which is so weird cuz who cares what time it is when no one is watching?) Second, I LOVE TIG NOTARO. I binge watched her One Mississippi series. She’s hysterically funny in that deadpan style of comedy that I love. Third, we were falling over laughing at Ronnie Chieng’s stand up special (He’s a correspondent on The Daily Show) Fourth, I love Ricky Gervais, and Season 2 of After Life is dropping this month. You are in for a treat if you haven’t watched Season One. Fifth, our book club just read Washington Black. So so good. Some devastating parts, but overall a book of freedom. ThNks for your weekly Friday Flotsam columns. Such a great escape.
  20. Anonymous April 19, 2020 at 2:17 pm #
    Oooo what a great idea for the blog!! So I love Ali Wong but now I need to go check out a bunch of these others mentioned! Thanks for the idea!!
  21. Olivia H April 20, 2020 at 7:02 am #
    Its super trashy, but have you ever dipped a Lays Ketchup chip in sour cream? Its the best(worst)
    • Bev Weidner April 21, 2020 at 7:50 am #
      UM OMG I have to try this. You may have just altered my world.

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