Friday Flotsam

FFFFFFFFFFrudub.

This is a tree in my back yard and I’m still trying to figure out how it’s even real. And it’s getting bigger and bigger and more and more vibrant each year! Which is . . . well, on par and quite expected for the whole time continuum thing.

Reminds me of an old Tig Notaro joke, when she gets an invitation to a five year old’s birthday party (or something like this) and the invite says, “Isn’t it crazy? She’s five!” And Tig, in her classic slow-paced-slight-nasal-but-velvet delivery, “It’s not crazy. It’s . . . normal. It would be crazy . . . if she stayed four.”

I’m not getting it right at ALL but it was hilarious, you guys.

Speaking of Tiggy (I call her Tiggy), who’s your favorite comedian? We’ve never talked about this before! How have we NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

When we went to Connecticut a couple of summers back (oh! to answer those who’ve been asking if we’re taking a coastal relocation this year – nope. thank goodness, right? we’d decided last fall that we’re pausing on travel for 2020 to remodel the house. and now we’re obviously pausing on the remodel to uh, not get the ‘Rona. next year!), we got really into stand-up. Every night once we put the kids down in their little bunk beds we’d binge on Netflix specials like whoa.

Here are my faves:

Jim Gaffigan (yes of course I watch him on CBS Sunday morning – he’s the perfect Andy Rooney replacement. No choice ever in the world would have been better.)

John Mulaney – the way he punctuates his delivery with those long legs flailing around like a soldier, omg. perfection.

Tig Notaro – forever and ever. and ever.

Ali Wong – oh dear. but so much yes. (mom you better skip her)

Natasha Leggero – that Netlflix special with her husband where they roast members of the crowd oooooooohmuguuuh. Painfully funny. And like, TRUE WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT? (mom skip her, too.)

I have so many more that I love, and OBVIOUSLY this list excludes classics like Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, Ellen D., Steve Martin, etc.

Oh! And this list excludes my personal faves like the SNLers Wiig, Rudolph, etc.

I’m taking about stand-up mainly.

Tell me who you love!

Okay bye.

This whole Corona has been giving me weirdest, most bizarre dreams. Are you having crazy dreams, too? I think everyone is.

Like, the other night I dreamed that my car’s (okay fine, Ashlee, MINIVAN’s) brakes went out and the car drove itself (with me at the wheel) onto a HIGHWAY INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. And I had a head-on collision with a semi truck. And I saw the driver’s face right before we hit. He was brunette with big wide eyes and a trucker’s hat. Ha! My dreams are so cliche.

But in the dream I thought, “Okay I’m about to die right now. Unless I’m dreaming because I feel like this might be a dream. I guess we’ll see.” And my car went through his semi like Casper and I was . . . okay on the other side. Dark, right? I looked up what car wreck dreams mean and it was basically like, “You don’t have control.” Well no sh, Sherlock.

And then the NEXT night I dreamed that I went to my hair salon and it was PACKED. People all up on each other hugging, high fiving, shacking hands, no masks, no nuttin’, and I was like, “Well crap this is how I die.” Because the car wreck wasn’t dramatic enough.

But my hair stylist, WITHOUT ASKING cut all my hair off to my ears and dyed it bright blue. Like a teenage neon blueberry lightning bolt. Listen, I might be a smidge punk at heart but my hair stays classic NOW IT’S MURDER TIME, AMBER.

Tell me your dreams. I need to know what level of mental breakdown I’m currently hovering at. (<–you like that dangling preposition?)

We’ve been eating so many chips, you guys.

Chips have always been my ultimate vice. (besides wine) My absolute 100% die-hard favorite snack. It’s that salty crunch that soothes my soul innards and whispers, “You hear that crispy crunch in your mouth? That’s my love. You feel that savory explosion on your tongue? That’s my devotion. Also never dye your hair blue.”

I have favorites, of course. But I want to ask, who do you think would win in a fight?

Ruffles classic potato chip against a nacho cheese Dorito?

Salt and vinegar Kettle chip against a Cheeto?

Kettle jalapeno chip against a Cool Ranch Dorito?

Lays potato chip against a classic tortilla chip?

Ruffles SOUR CREAM AND ONION against a dang Pringle? (that one’s tricky.)

You’re like, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Oh we can. We can and we will. In my mouth in less than one minute.

Finishing Dear Edward this weekend! I’m really liking it. It’s SAD, but I need to know how this plane crashes. And if there’s some weird twist. Is there a twist? Or is it just sad? You can tell me.

After this I’ll take a tiny book break and catch up on Little Fires Everywhere. But right after THAT I’ll be starting Such a Fun Age, if you want to join me!

Here’s my last book club post, if you need a refresh on what we’re reading and what’s to come. I’m already crafting the list of five for the next round that will take us closer to summer. That Evelyn Hugo book, for sure. Maybe another Jennifer Weiner book? Oooooo another Hilderbrand! She’s so summery.

Thoughts on American Dirt? Should we? I hear it’s incredible, but I also want LIGHT FLUFF PIDDLY PUFF LIDDLY LUFF MUFF FLUFF. (<–it’s a thing.)

Weekend plans?

Hahahahahahahhahhaha!!! oh.