Friday Flotsam

FLOTSAMMMM. I mean FRIDAYYYY.

Guess WHAT. I finally finished The Girl on the Train! That’s right, folks. Five hundred kazillion years after starting it, I’m done. And ommmmmgah. So fantastic. So brilliant. So Gone Girl. I have to say, and I’m not bragging (except that I’m completely bragging), I knew who it was all along. Well, I knew at the 68% mark, so my Kindle Fire confirmed. And that’s basically the halfway mark. Which is pretty much the beginning. So see, I knew all along!

What did you think of the ending? Did you know who it was? Could you see it coming? Are they making this a movie? Because I’m happy to assist you, Hollywood in the casting of this film. I could maybe see Ashton Kutcher as Scott. The non-goofy Ashton, that is. Maybe Ryan Reynolds as Tom? Or wait no! This takes place in England. I’ll get back to you, Hollywood. Stop breathing down my neck already.

What should I read next!? I need to consult my little list you guys made me a few months ago. Or if anything new is out that I must know about, hit meeeeh.

But not too hard. I’m fragile. Frah-gee-lay.

Okay I need some advice. What do you recommend for super effective arm exercises? Something that doesn’t take up more than ten minutes a day. Something that doesn’t bring tears to the eyes, curses to the lips or changes to the living will. Something that tones muscle and erases fat and makes one look like a Greek Goddess chiseled from a slab of marble. But not too Hulk Hogany or bodybuildingy. We don’t want anyone barfing.

You see, a photo was taken with a sleeveless shirt involved, and worlds were shattered. Lives devastated. Self images crushed.

I’m not asking for me though! A . . . a friend wants to know.

I was sleeping in a hotel room in Kentucky a few nights ago, and there were two tarantulas on my walls. No seriously, there were two enormous, hairy, terrifying tarantulas just hanging out on the walls. One in one corner, and the other above my head, towards the ceiling. I noticed them because I forgot to close those insanely-heavy window shades (you know the ones with the giant wands that you break a sweat pulling closed and you end up grunting and crying and giving up on life. this has nothing to do with the needed arm exercises. at all.) before getting in bed, so there was a stream of flickering city lights pouring into my room.

I didn’t notice the tarantulas at first. No no, I noticed them when I woke up at 1:40am because you see my room was also haunted. The air conditioning wasn’t cooperating and kept roaring up like a freight train lawn mower engine dragon beast, only to cut off a few milliseconds later. I was hot, man! And then I spotted the tarantulas on the walls and it was over. Pissed-off air conditioning ghosts and two oddly still tarantulas. This is how it all ends for me. Done.

Then I realized the next morning the tarantulas were actually sprinkler heads. Ha ah hah ah ah ah!!!

Hah ah aahhaha!

Ha ha ha.

Oh.

Did you watch the final David Letterman? We watched it last night since a) I was on a plane during that time and b) had I not been on a plane, I’d have been in bed at 7:30pm like a 95 year old.

What did you think? Were you always a Dave lovah? I’ve always loved the show. Didn’t watch it very often (see b above), but when I did, I laughed my face off. It’s the end of an era! I’m gonna miss that gap-toothed smile. Actually, Natalie will most likely look exactly like him, so I think I’m set.

Memorial Day plans? Long weekend, baaaaby. My in-laws are popping in for a quick visit to see the babies. (I almost typed pooping) We may head to the pool if it’s warm enough. I’m headed BACK to Ikea today (I feel like I go three hundred times a week) to get a patio lounge chair. We’re hanging new patio string lights tonight! Stacking wood for the chiminea. Loading up on coals for the grill. Giving your new arm workouts a go. I mean, my friend is! Not me. Definitely not me.

Enjoy your long weekend! Tell me every single one of your plans. I’m quite serious.

And also, if you can guess what any of today’s Flotsam photos are, you win at life.