Friday Flotsam

Frrrrrrrrrrr i d a y e e e e e a a a a a h h h h!

You wanna know what gives me micro anxiety?

You’re like, “right out of the gate, huh?”

Grocery store dividers.

Or rather, grocery dividers. Those long thin black plastic bar thingies that you place between your groceries and their groceries. It’s usually covered in slime and snot and covid (as is the conveyor belt but that’s another story for another day), but it’s not in fact the grime that stresses me.

It’s when to grab it. WHEN to take ownership of the thing and let the shoppers know that is my territory now. Because you see, these things must be done deeeeelicately. (name that movie)

Perhaps the clueless shopper ahead of you has failed to grab the divider thingy and put it at the end of their groceries. What do you do, LEAN OVER their gatorade and frozen pizzas to grab it so you can start loading your own? Well that just seems impatient (me) and irritating (me) and grabby grabby (me me me). Or do you wait a so-called “appropriate” amount of time and let their groceries get halfway down the belt so you can finally make your entrance? If you do that though, the shoppers behind you will think you’re never going to make a move. And what does that say? That you’re more interested in the argument that Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani got into on a Manhattan street than loading your groceries because you’re holding up the line, man, get to movin’!

Really, why are those two always on the covers of the gossip magazines? Will they ever work it out?

It all sends a message. Like honking a car horn. Another micro anxiety. I cannot honk a horn, no matter what.

But I’ll lean over your frozen pizza in a nano so you watch out!

I have a confession to make.

I was this year old when I finally figured out what “hot take” means.

Hot takes! You know what they are, right? Like an unpopular opinion. It was lit-rally early spring when I had to ask my friend Ashlee what exactly she meant because I kept thinking it meant singing.

HAhahahahahahhAHAHAHAHA. AS IN SINGING A SONG AND IT BEING WELL SUNG or something. Sorry about all that ALL CAPS but if I were in front of you I would be leaning over scream laughing.

Like, “That take was good, but let’s try it again.” Bahahahahha!!

And see, none of my friends really sing, so it didn’t add up. And I’d been so perplexed for so long but didn’t want to be the ding dong and ask. Until I did. And I haven’t stopped laughing since.

Here’s a hot take: I’m OVER HOT TAKES.

How’s that for scandalous. (<–needs to get out more)

I was at this 2nd-grade boy tie-dye park party with Will yesterday and my friend Jen was sitting next to me. We were talking about pizza. Restaurants near us. Popular take-out in the area, ya know.

She said her daughter Olive takes the cheese off pizza and says, “I’m taking the skin off my pizza.”

SKIN. PIZZA. TAKING IT OFF.

And you will never unhear that again.

Bucket list!

Your summer bucket list, we need to discuss. And I’ll tell you something, for me it’s the tiny things that make summer so delicious. A lot of things happen spontaneously during these three months (which is another micro anxiety for a planner like me but also oddly gives me thrills), but I want to know what’s on your list.

An outdoor movie night? That’s on mine.

Camping? Not on mine.

Seeing the symphony in the park? Definitely on mine.

Making ice cream from scratch? Also on mine.

Pimento Cheese from scratch? SO ON MINE.

Sleepovers, random patio breakfasts with friends, swim play dates, book after book on my cozy patio nook, keeping our garden raised beds happy and luscious, yes yes yes. And yes.

We’ve also got a monarch caterpillar about to go into chrysalis, which is always on the kids’ lists.

Tell me what’s on yours but I promise I will not (100% will) steal any ideas whatsoever.

Weekend plans?

We’re seeing The War on Drugs Sunday night and I am dying. They’ve been a favorite band of mine for so long, and seeing them in a smallish outside venue will be a complete dream. If these *#$^ing thunderstorms cooperate, we’ll be all good. Other than that, an estate sale this morning (I’m on a cute ice bucket hunt for mom’s night I’m hosting later this month), the pool today, tacos out tonight, a new book to start tonight, a lawn to mow tomorrow, a farmer’s market to hit up, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it, I’m swamped! (name that movie)

From this week, in case you missed it: YOUR MIXTAPE. It’s all jazz, Gypsy jazz, old-timey feel good tunes. It’s all the music I played in Florida, so you’ll be excited. And these Mayo-Chicken and Blistered Scallion Tacos! Extremely simple to get going early, and they come together when you need them later in the day. You’ll need to get in both. Stat.

Shoot, that pimento cheese might be happening this weekend. Imagine it IN BAKED BREAD.

Wait, I’m on it. Patent pending.