Friday Flotsam


gremlins in a park



I have a question.

And I’m serious.

Super serious.

Here goes.

When you make a peanut butter sandwich, do you use one knife, or two? One for the peanut butter, and one for the jelly? Or do you use one knife for BOTH the peanut butter and the jelly? And if you use one knife, which jar do you contaminate? Because you have to TAINT A SOURCE. Which is more disgusting? A blob of peanut butter in a jelly jar? Or a wobble of jelly in a peanut butter jar?

IF YOU WERE AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE, what would you do? What are you able to live with? What actions would you take in order to face yourself in the mirror.

These are the things I think about at night and all the time.

feet on tile

Listen to this terrifying thing that happened the other night. Scared me to frickin’ death.

We had just crawled into bed at like, 8:15pm.

Just kidding, you guys! Hahahaha! It was 8:20.

I’m lying there, juuuust starting to drift off, when I hear this strange, distant alarm. It sort of sounded like a BELL almost. Like this chirpy sort of bell. But it was an actual TONE, which scared me, like an alarm does. And then it goes away. AND THEN IT COMES BACK. But louder! And more distinct. This alarm.

And I’m like, “WHAT IS THAT ALARM COMING FROM? Is that your phone, Aaron? Is someone trying to break in? OMG SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ROB US, AARON. Get up! GET UP. What is that sound? What is that ringing alarm? Can you hear that, Aaron? WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT SOUND? It’s coming from the walls, omg. Is it outside? Is someone in our back yard? WHO IS IN OUR BACK YARD? Go check, Aaron! This is serious!”

Aaron, “You mean that cricket?”

Me, “Oh. Ohhhhhh.”

the end.

cheeseboard with my girls

I want to ask you something.

And this is actually serious.


This week the kids are home with me. They start back at school right after Labor Day, but for now, they’re home. Which means they have to go with me to run my errands, right? SO, I dropped into a favorite store to check on something, and I took the kids. And let me interject right here and say, my kids are great. Well behaved (most of the time), polite (most of the time), not overly hyper (most of the time), not over-the-top obnoxious (most of the time).

Except this one tiny, particular moment. Because they are FOUR AND A HALF BLOODY YEARS OLD and life isn’t perfect.

For some strange reason, their inner soul fairies decided to dial up the hyper a few notches once we were in public, and you guys. I got THE STANK EYE from one of the blonde, millennial, jowl-less employees. Even after gathering Will and Nat for one of those cliche “settle down or else” pep talks. Homegirl didn’t say a WORD to me except, “Hmm mmm.” Lips pursed, eyes squinted, as she’s glaring down at them and burning a hole in the floor.

But this is the thing, I don’t have it in me to be confrontational. I do not. I’m way too nice and want to keep the peace, all the time. In every situation. Aaaaaall I could muster was, “Thanks. Sorry. We’ll be out of here in under five.”

“Hmm mmm.”


I wish I could have said, “Listen, youngin. Some day you’ll have kids, and you will sympathize with mom moments like these. And guess what, this wasn’t even that bad, sis. Just be nice to moms, okay? And also, who does your hair?”

Tell me, what’s your worst I’m-sorry-my-kids-are-kids-but-you-don’t-have-to-be-mean-to-me story?

Spill it.

retro pattern

I think I want to get into mock necks this fall.

gnome in trees

Long weekend plans?

We have zeroooooooo. AND IT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING EVAR. It’s going to be lamely hot today and tomorrow, so I’ll probably blow up the pool and get in it with my giant visor and a trough of rosé. I want to watch MOVIES. And get in BED EARLY. And READ. Not sure why I’m YELLING ALL THIS.

Tell me what movies I need to see! I’m so awful about new movies. But is there a good period piece or blockbuster that’s worth the eyeball viewage?

. . . You’re still disturbed by the words mock and neck, aren’t you?

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41 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. B August 31, 2018 at 9:05 am #
    I use one knife. Peanut butter first, wipe the knife clean on the second piece of bread, and then go in for the jelly. :)
    • Alison August 31, 2018 at 10:12 am #
      I’m the same but jelly first!!
      • Hannah August 31, 2018 at 2:13 pm #
        Same here! Jelly first!
    • Caryn August 31, 2018 at 10:17 am #
      Same here- PB first; clean on second slice; and jelly last. :)
  2. Brandy August 31, 2018 at 9:33 am #
    A knife for the peanut butter and a spoon for the jelly. I've never been successful in using a knife for something that just slides off. Asking the important questions. :D
  3. Stephanie August 31, 2018 at 9:48 am #
    Knife for PB. Spoon for Jelly. Spread the PB then the Jelly. Wipe knife with a napkin prior to slicing. It's a science.
  4. Amanda R August 31, 2018 at 10:08 am #
    Knife for the peanut butter and a spoon for the jelly. PB on one slice and jelly on the other. Also, I rarely wipe the PB knife prior to cutting the sandwich (except when I wipe it on the side of the PB jar or the edge of the bread after spreading the PB). I don't know how people can get jelly out with a knife...that's sorcery.
  5. Sarah August 31, 2018 at 10:11 am #
    I actually freeze globs of peanut butter, press them into slices between two sheets of parchment paper, and then once frozen, cut them into squares and place them on bread so as to avoid all of the above decisions. JUST KIDDING!! :) :)
    • Bev Weidner August 31, 2018 at 10:20 am #
      I'm surprised it took 7 comments to make this joke! :)
    • Denise August 31, 2018 at 4:50 pm #
    • Tara August 31, 2018 at 5:06 pm #
      Hahaha! Too funny!
  6. Denita August 31, 2018 at 11:09 am #
    I don't know Sarah, but she just made my day b/c that was hilarious.
  7. Tif August 31, 2018 at 11:21 am #
    I don't have a knife in the PBJ fight (ba-dum!), but I saw Crazy Rich Asians and loved it. Esp. the fashion. Books were better, as I find mostly in life, but I still loved it. And may see again this weekend.
  8. Carol Auger August 31, 2018 at 11:24 am #
    Knife for PB, Spoon for Jelly!
  9. Jenn August 31, 2018 at 11:36 am #
    One knife. Peanut Butter first, then wipe the knife clean on the other slice of bread, and then the jelly. :)
    • Anonymous August 31, 2018 at 11:57 am #
      Same! may need to hop on the spoon for Jelly train though!
  10. Mike August 31, 2018 at 12:00 pm #
    Minor variation: One knife, peanut butter first - ON BOTH SLICES - wipe last bit of peanut butter off knife using edge of 2nd slice; then jelly on one slice - ON TOP OF - the peanut butter. The bonus effect of the PB>JELLY<PB here is no ooze through of jelly to the outside of the bread. A peanut butter barrier of deliciousness. Handy when packing vs. eating immediately. (Hat tip to "Kurt" on the TV show "Blindspot" explaining it to "Jane Doe" as he made his own kid lunch.)
    • Kristin August 31, 2018 at 12:05 pm #
      Yes! This is the best way to do it. My son loved lots of raspberry jam on his pb&js, so pb on both bread slices was a must.
    • Turner September 1, 2018 at 5:28 am #
      Yes! This is THE WAY (Obviously...)
  11. Betty-Ellen Crum August 31, 2018 at 12:01 pm #
    I use a spoon for the peanut butter it holds what I need with one dip. Then another spoon for the jelly. So that I don't get peanut butter in the jelly jar. Believe me, this is so much easier and faster than using knives. Sometimes I use one spoon and wipe it on the other piece of bread before dipping into the jelly. Use the big spoon, not the teaspoon.
  12. Emily Maxwell August 31, 2018 at 12:02 pm #
    i just use a paper towel to clean my knife between applications. Sometimes you can manage to get all PB off on the side of the jar, though! I totally want to watch a movie this weekend too. I am thinking OCEANS 8. Who doesn't love Sandy Bullock!?
  13. Anonymous August 31, 2018 at 12:06 pm #
  14. Ashley August 31, 2018 at 1:38 pm #
    Ya know the phrase "I was such a good Mom before I had kids?" I remember giving moms the side eye when I was a wrinkle-free twenty year old and thinking "when I have kids, they will never..." Well! My four and a half year old lives to make me eat those words. I just want to go back and hug all the moms who had to leave a store with a screaming child, or whose child didn't listen to her "we're in a public place, please keep control of yourself" speech because whew... my kid is awesome but he keeps me humble.
    • Bev Weidner August 31, 2018 at 1:55 pm #
      Girl exaaactly! No kid is perfect. Every kid has a moment. And it's like, nothing was damaged or ruined in the store. JUST BE NICE. :)
  15. Anonymous August 31, 2018 at 4:28 pm #
    That judgey (nope, not a word) 20 something in the store needs to get over it. Even the easiest kids act up at some point. They're kids, it's what they do!!! I hope she gets on a long flight, like to Australia, and has to sit right next to a screaming baby or toddler for what will seem like eternity. And then, I hope she has babies of her own who raise hell in every store she ever enters, in church, in restaurants, and on planes. And may Karma make sure she gets the stank eye every freakin' time she tries to take those kids anywhere. Okay, I'm done now.
  16. Tara August 31, 2018 at 5:15 pm #
    Knife for the PB and spoon for the jelly. Also, Lizzie’s the only one eating PB&J over here. And, i’m the stingy mom that portion controls the jelly, to limit the no fear of double dipping or contamination in the jar. I would have given her the stink eye right back. Tired of people being judgy...especially about kids. You want my money, you best be sappy sweet....and offering to step in and help. We are doing nothing this weekend too. Relaxing at home...may do some baking with Lizzie. Taking on the Christopher Robin nothing’s the best kind of something. (Great movie...should take the kids)!
  17. Amy August 31, 2018 at 6:16 pm #
    I buy the squeezable jelly. So I spread the peanut butter, squeeze the jelly, and spread the jelly. The squeezable jelly costs more, but it is worth it to avoid using another knife, haha!
  18. Debbie D August 31, 2018 at 6:44 pm #
    I am of the two instruments variety. First--allergic to PB here so I use sunbutter instead (so freakin good!). I use a knife for that and then a spoon for the jelly/jam. No cross contamination that way and I don't have to see globs of anything in either my sunbutter or jam/jelly. Movies--Crazy Rich Asians was great. Incredibles 2 is great (so is Incredibles 1). Going to see a Spanish movie (subtitles here) called Ya Veremos this weekend. Looks good. Love movies from Mexico and am excited to see it. Will also be seeing Beautifully Broken this coming week AND--I hope you are reading this!!!---Have my tickets to see Sound of Music (back on the big screen--playing nationwide--on September 9th!!!! Should be aaaah GREAT! I went to school with one of the kids in the movie...
  19. Susan August 31, 2018 at 7:43 pm #
    I love how you had no idea that it was a cricket, Nature Girl !!!! And.....I would have said something ridiculous to that employee like "Oh my gosh, I never would have kidnapped these kids if I'd known that they sometimes misbehave."
  20. Kayle (The Cooking Actress) August 31, 2018 at 8:42 pm #
    -One knife and I get pb in the jelly, that's all I use jelly for anyway lol. (If I was at someone else's house maybe I'd wipe the knife off in between?) -Had my 1st kid judgment moment with my 8 month old at church last weekend, every time he'd let out a happy little squeal (adorable and not even terribly disruptive) this woman in front of us would turn and look/glare at him/us. Like EXCUSE ME....what do you want? He's 8 MONTHS OLD. I can't exactly reason with him, we try to shush him but ya know...8 months.
  21. Turner September 1, 2018 at 5:32 am #
    Mock necks = nope Give me a big turtleneck I can pull up all around my chin. Mock necks give me the willies. No idea why I’m so traumatized.
  22. Teresa September 1, 2018 at 10:58 am #
    1 knife... jelly first then wipe clean on second bread slice and add the peanut butter. 😊
  23. Nancy September 3, 2018 at 10:14 am #
    Don't worry about that sales girl. She has no clue. I remember when my son was one and we were in a restaurant and he started crying and wouldn't stop so I took him outside and my sister in law asked why. I said "no one wants to listen to a crying baby" and she was like "you listen to it all the time. They can listen to it for an hour!" I love her attitude but I'm like you and wanted to keep the peace. But I would let him wail at the top of his lungs when we were in the waiting room at the pediatrician and had been waiting WAY past the time of our appointment. Was that rude? Probably but I felt like wailing, too, at that point! One knife; contaminate the jelly! There's a band name for ya; Contaminate the Jelly :)
  24. Lisa September 4, 2018 at 9:27 am #
    The easiest way to avoid pb/jelly mishaps is to not use jelly at all. I have never and will never eat peanut butter and jelly at the same time. I don't get that combo and I already know I'm weird. That girl in the store will get hers when she has kids. Karma and all that. One time when my oldest was around 2 1/2 I had him and my 6 month old at the grocery store check out. Kid 1 says he has to pee. We're almost checked out so I ask if he can wait a minute. He says yes and then proceeded to pee right through the cart onto the floor. That was fun.
  25. rosemarie September 4, 2018 at 3:24 pm #
    Crazy Rich Asians was such awesome visual candy for my soul. If that even makes sense. I needed to go and relax and watch something pretty and it fit the bill.
  26. Jessica September 5, 2018 at 12:21 pm #
    I use one knife. I do peanut butter first, then wipe the knife really well on the second slice of bread. When I dip the knife into the jelly there is no blob of peanut butter to fall into the jelly.
  27. Abby Reisner September 25, 2018 at 3:45 pm #
    My month-late opinion is this: one knife for both, and i LIKE THE KNIFE in between. It's my knife, my peanut butter & MY jelly, and I will contaminate the HELL OUT OF THEM. If I were to make a pb&j at someone else's home I would use two knives (though really, a knife for PB and a spoon for J) because if I were to contaminate and kill someone who's allergic to peanuts that'd be unideal and I'd feel bad
    • Abby Reisner September 25, 2018 at 3:45 pm #
  28. Terri September 26, 2018 at 3:48 pm #
    Hey Bev, where did you get your shoes in the picture? I love them.

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