Friday Flotsam


Let me see if I understand this correctly.

A cicada egg baby is born like, on the ground? Is that it? Then it climbs down into the ground through a tiny dirty hole and stays there for seventeen entire years. Long enough to watch every season of Grey’s Anatomy. THEN, they crawl back out of the ground (same way? same dirt hole? do they remember? is it always around a tree? or no?) And climb out in that crispy brown alien shell. Then they all follow each other in a soldier march and climb up into all the trees across the land.

THEN, a day or so later they hatch out of the crispy brown alien shells, turn into psycho killer hummingbirds, scream at the world at full throat volume for about a week. Then drop dead. Just out of nowhere. Dead. Kaput. Bucket: kicked.


What is the point?

What is the actual point of cicadas? Do they hunt other bugs? And why again can’t this be what happens with mosquitos?


I’m serious.

Speaking of, I have a feeeyashion question for you.

Gap jeans: on a scale from don’t bother to irrationally obsessed, where do you fall?

I haven’t purchased a pair of Gap jeans since honestly 9th grade. SERIOUSLY. And I always hated the way they fit in the front. Too bulky. Like too much denim. BUT – that was 1989 and surely things have changed.

Have they?

Are Gap jeans any good? Because every year once September arrives I always start daydreaming about my jeans game (Ash, I can sense you smiling behind that eye roll) and I need your input in a desperate way.

Because I’m thinking I need to actually GO IN THE STORE like we did in the ’90s. No online biz. I need to try on eight hundred fifty pairs to see what works and if it works and how it works or if I need to burn the whole idea down.

Yes yes, I have Everlane and Madewell, but sell me on Gap. Are the cuts stylish and cute? Is it worth it to do some denim digging? Or pass?

(Speaking of Ash, my friend Ashlee didn’t know what a hummingbird was until two weeks ago. I’m just going to leave that right there for you all to digest.)

Speaking of, can anyone recommend a good exercise for haunches?

Like, butt haunches. Meaty haunches. SHELF BUTT. WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT. Because 45 hit and my butt turned into a cardboard box filled with bubble wrap. A paraIlelogram. SpongeBev Square Pants.

I run all the time. I do leg lifts. WHATTHEHELLISHAPPENING.

You know what I’m talking about, right? That meat (I’m sorry I keep saying meat) that sits right at the top of your tailbone. That’s a haunch, right? It’s above your butt. But it’s not your waist. Is this making sense? And it’s a pair of them. On either side. Out to get you.

Is running making them worse? Surely not.

We can talk about something else.

Yesterday at pickup I said to my friend Heather, “I’m kind of excited for Christmas.” And then I asked her to punch me square in the face.

The end.

Weekend plans?

We have Fayetteville family visiting later! So I’m making deviled eggs and this gorgeous thing. And of course some French Market cheeses and a few extras. And a Sancerre, duh.

From this week, in case ya missed it!::: Sun Slants and Long Pants – your monthly mixtape! Please get your ears in this because you will be changed. I mean it. And then a very simple but delicious Wine-Braised Fish with Tomatoes and Squash. Unreal. And so posh!

(No, I’m serious. She thought it was a big bug. Said she’d “never seen one before.” How has one not ever seen a hummingbird? A HUMMINGBIRD. Look, I’m just as perplexed.)

So yuz or nerp on the Gap?

, , ,

11 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Kelsey September 3, 2021 at 9:03 am #
    Gap jeans—worth the hype, at least in 2021. The sky high straight are basically a perfect 501 dupe but with a *little* bit of stretch and they’re so flattering and comfortable. Good for a mid-pandemic, my-old-jeans-don’t-quite-fit-right-now bod.
  2. Kelsey September 3, 2021 at 9:07 am #
    Gap jeans--worth the hype in 2021. The sky high straight legs are basically a perfect 501 dupe with just the *teeniest* bit of stretch. So flattering and comfortable. Perfect for a mid-pandemic, my-old-jeans-don't-quite-fit-right-now bod.
  3. Courtney September 3, 2021 at 9:13 am #
    I wore a lot of gap jeans in my 20s and I think I have one pair hanging around. They are good quality and I always liked that they had shorter lengths for my shorter legs. I would go do a try on session! For your butt you got to do squats and lunges. It’s the only way. Haha
  4. Jewel September 3, 2021 at 9:44 am #
    Bev, I'm dying as I read how you describe things. I hear your voice and it's right here as if you're speaking in my head....can't comment on gap jeans orrr any jeans for that matter. I need the advice too....your haunch, girl, I've been doing an exercise called Evlo. She focus on muscle building, it's been so good and she works the glutes real good. . . And the cicadas?! Waaaa? I had no idea. Makes me want to go read more about that! I did write a little diddy (not publicly--just in my journal) about cicadas the other day about my perspective on them as a child and now as an adult. They are strange creatures, yet there's something kinda lovely and weird and terrifying all at the same time. They are fascinating.
  5. Natalie September 3, 2021 at 10:06 am #
    I’m curious about GAP jeans because I wore them exclusively until about 2010 when I realized that other kinds of jeans didn’t lose their shape after wearing them for a while. Gap jeans are (were?) notorious for growing 2 sizes after wearing them for a few hours. Freshly washed? Perfect. Please tell me this has changed.
  6. Denise September 3, 2021 at 11:55 am #
    Heck ya on the Gap jeans. I’m 5’11” and SO OVER the cropped jean trend, which lets be honest look like capris on me. Gap makes tall jeans and I recently bought a pair of 501 esque jeans there that go all the way to the floor. A miracle from heaven. The style I’ve fallen for is SKY HIGH STRAIGHT! They have some eco lingo in their Jean line too, which is nice. The price point is decent, they always have sales. Let your hair down Bev, embrace your 90s self!
  7. Lacy September 3, 2021 at 1:43 pm #
    The thought of GAP jeans AND going into the GAP sounds awful to me, but you knew that, right? Do squats and lunges. Do three sets of each of 15 regularly. You'll notice a difference. Promise. You once said my bum was shapely. Denson out.
    • Bev Weidner September 4, 2021 at 8:24 am #
      I knew you'd have the answers, Lace! Squats it is. (remember our squat session during the thunderstorm downtown?)
  8. Brianna September 3, 2021 at 2:24 pm #
    Ok hahaha I’m dying, you’re funny. I can’t answer your jean dilemma bc I’ve been wearing stretchy pants for too many years now but I can speak to some of your cicada questions because we haven’t gotten that far yet (my kids are obsessed) and all the books at the library don’t mention what their purpose is but I do at least know that the female (shortly after coming out of her exoskeleton) mates, and lays her eggs in cracks /crevices in the tree tops and then they actually hatch in the tree and fall down to the earth as little babes and then dig under the ground from 1-3 to 17 years depending on the species, then out the crawl and up they climb. They are usually found near trees bc if you look at their mouth parts, it’s a long tube-like structure and they use it to suck the juices from the trees roots which is their primary food source!
  9. Kristen September 3, 2021 at 5:57 pm #
    Gap is my go-to for jeans (along with Madewell and ABLE). They fit me really well and I get compliments on them. Worth the try-on time!
  10. Alesa September 4, 2021 at 7:52 am #
    Yes to gap jeans having too much fabric on the front. I would try them on and it looked like I stuffed the front of my pants with plastic grocery bags. I haven't tried them in years... Could be worth a shot. I've actually been having luck with the old navy boyfriend jean. I am short (5'3") and the regular hit at the ankle. Since they are so cheap, I have a pair that I just chopped the hem off so it now has a raw hem which I like right now. And, the boyfriend jean doesn't have a ton of stretch so they keep their shape. I am over spending a ton on jeans because in the end as long as they fit, I don't care about brands or cost.

Leave a Reply