I brushed my teeth with sunscreen.
NOT ON PURPOSE, ya yahoo! Complete accident.
Both are white. Both are also in a white tube. Both also have the exact same labeling. The only difference is the cap. One is flip up, and the other is twist off. But in my late night lethargic manner (and by late night I mean 8:45pm), I failed to connect the dots at this pivotal, revolting fork in the road.
I was all bruuuuushing brushing, “Man, this toothpaste really lost its flavor. I’m getting like, zero mint here.”
A good entire minute later…
“Why is this not frothing up. Toothpaste should froth. This is like, dead toothpaste. WHY IS IT NO- waaaaaaaaaait.”
And then I discovered it. Exactly like that moment in Amélie where she secretly swaps in FOOT CREAM for the meany face curmudgeon’s toothpaste. Exactly like that! Except mine wasn’t foot cream. But the end result of horror was the same.
That’s my story. Bye.
No one ever says “get into bed.” You can’t just say GET. People are collapsing into bed, climbing into bed, crawling into bed. No one ever just gets into bed anymore.
But it got me thinking, how can some people collapse, and others climb? Because collapsing implies a falling motion. Which okay, I can wrap my head around. You stand next to your bed, and you fall into it. You’re above the bed, and your body moves in a downward manner to achieve bed landing. Got it.
But CLIMBING? I’m sorry, what? That would have to mean you came at the bed from below. What were you like, on the floor?
YOU WERE ON THE FLOOR. Hold on, let me get a drink. I know there’s a story here. Go on, I’m listening.
WHY WERE YOU ON THE FLOOR?
Is everything okay at home? Do you need me to make some calls? Because I totally can. I know people. (I don’t know people.)
And let’s not even get started on crawling into bed. What is this, baby turtle camp?
. . . So really, why were you on the floor?
At what point in a person’s life do they suddenly look nerdy dancing?
I seriously don’t understand how one moment, I can look super young and cute moving around to some hip music, and then the very next, develop jowls, under arm bat wings, and look completely ridiculous standing in the pantry swaying to my tunes and snapping along.
You’re like, first of all, never snap again.
What happened to my moves? Why do my legs bend like this and why do I look like I’m juggling at a hoedown?
You know what, I’ll stretch for a few minutes and try again. Roll the neck, roll the arms, loosen up. There we go. That feels good.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
It’s no longer dirty dancing, but NERDY DANCING. I could cry.
I look like a moron. I can no longer dance. Okay, I could never REALLY dance, but in my head I always looked super sauve. And now, I have nothing. No pantry swaying, no snapping along, no shoulder dips, nothing. I feel like it all just vanished in a matter of seconds and early 40s is TOO SOON FOR THIS.
This is depressing. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to climb into bed.
You guys, my friend’s four-year old daughter has a dissolving tooth.
I’m sorry, but W T F IS THAT.
The other day she was all, “Yeah, Harriet went to the dentist and she has an extra baby tooth up there!”
Me, “What? No.”
“Yep, they call it a ghost tooth and it’s going to straight up dissolve.”
Um, tooth is BONE, SIR. Not a little stitch just creepin’ around up there. How does that happen?! Where does it go?! Have you ever had a dissolving tooth before?
Do you want me to stop saying dissolving tooth over and over?
Listen, if you’re totally grossed out and need to crawl into bed, I get it.
I know you’re expecting the weekly weather report but YOU KNOW WHAT. I’m still totally giving it. And it’s the saddest. Today’s temps are great, but we’re getting storms all day. (which I love) BUT THEN, tomorrow it tanks and the chance for pancake snowflakes arrives and the freezing temps punch us in the face and I’m covering my garden and daffodils with a tarp. You can’t take me down, Mama Nay Nay! (my fist is in the air right now.)
Starting A Grown Up Kind of Pretty today! Wanna read with meh? Or would you rather just collapse into bed?