Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRUDERDAYDOODAH.

purty froth art

I brushed my teeth with sunscreen.

NOT ON PURPOSE, ya yahoo! Complete accident.

Both are white. Both are also in a white tube. Both also have the exact same labeling. The only difference is the cap. One is flip up, and the other is twist off. But in my late night lethargic manner (and by late night I mean 8:45pm), I failed to connect the dots at this pivotal, revolting fork in the road.

I was all bruuuuushing brushing, “Man, this toothpaste really lost its flavor. I’m getting like, zero mint here.”

A good entire minute later…

“Why is this not frothing up. Toothpaste should froth. This is like, dead toothpaste. WHY IS IT NO- waaaaaaaaaait.”

And then I discovered it. Exactly like that moment in Amélie where she secretly swaps in FOOT CREAM for the meany face curmudgeon’s toothpaste. Exactly like that! Except mine wasn’t foot cream. But the end result of horror was the same.

That’s my story. Bye.

flowers and loot

No one ever says “get into bed.” You can’t just say GET. People are collapsing into bed, climbing into bed, crawling into bed. No one ever just gets into bed anymore.

But it got me thinking, how can some people collapse, and others climb? Because collapsing implies a falling motion. Which okay, I can wrap my head around. You stand next to your bed, and you fall into it. You’re above the bed, and your body moves in a downward manner to achieve bed landing. Got it.

But CLIMBING? I’m sorry, what? That would have to mean you came at the bed from below. What were you like, on the floor?

YOU WERE ON THE FLOOR. Hold on, let me get a drink. I know there’s a story here. Go on, I’m listening.

WHY WERE YOU ON THE FLOOR?

Is everything okay at home? Do you need me to make some calls? Because I totally can. I know people. (I don’t know people.)

And let’s not even get started on crawling into bed. What is this, baby turtle camp?

. . . So really, why were you on the floor?

chips and sausage

At what point in a person’s life do they suddenly look nerdy dancing?

I seriously don’t understand how one moment, I can look super young and cute moving around to some hip music, and then the very next, develop jowls, under arm bat wings, and look completely ridiculous standing in the pantry swaying to my tunes and snapping along.

You’re like, first of all, never snap again.

What happened to my moves? Why do my legs bend like this and why do I look like I’m juggling at a hoedown?

You know what, I’ll stretch for a few minutes and try again. Roll the neck, roll the arms, loosen up. There we go. That feels good.

Now, dance.

NOPE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

It’s no longer dirty dancing, but NERDY DANCING. I could cry.

I look like a moron. I can no longer dance. Okay, I could never REALLY dance, but in my head I always looked super sauve. And now, I have nothing. No pantry swaying, no snapping along, no shoulder dips, nothing. I feel like it all just vanished in a matter of seconds and early 40s is TOO SOON FOR THIS.

This is depressing. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to climb into bed.

bar sittin'

You guys, my friend’s four-year old daughter has a dissolving tooth.

I’m sorry, but W T F IS THAT.

The other day she was all, “Yeah, Harriet went to the dentist and she has an extra baby tooth up there!”

Me, “What? No.”

“Yep, they call it a ghost tooth and it’s going to straight up dissolve.”

DISSOLVE?

Um, tooth is BONE, SIR. Not a little stitch just creepin’ around up there. How does that happen?! Where does it go?! Have you ever had a dissolving tooth before?

Do you want me to stop saying dissolving tooth over and over?

Listen, if you’re totally grossed out and need to crawl into bed, I get it.

oysters

Weekend plans?

I know you’re expecting the weekly weather report but YOU KNOW WHAT. I’m still totally giving it. And it’s the saddest. Today’s temps are great, but we’re getting storms all day. (which I love) BUT THEN, tomorrow it tanks and the chance for pancake snowflakes arrives and the freezing temps punch us in the face and I’m covering my garden and daffodils with a tarp. You can’t take me down, Mama Nay Nay! (my fist is in the air right now.)

Starting A Grown Up Kind of Pretty today! Wanna read with meh? Or would you rather just collapse into bed?

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20 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Tara March 29, 2019 at 8:32 am #
    When my husband was a child his mother would tell him to hop to bed. He started using that phrase with our children and I think it is the cutest thing ever so I started saying it as well.
  2. Mountaincat March 29, 2019 at 8:55 am #
    "Juggling at a hoedown!" That is hilarious! - And I'm climbing into bed because I'm on the floor. I fell attempting to dance most undoubtedly.
  3. Stacey March 29, 2019 at 8:59 am #
    Keep SNAPPING. Stop with the dissolving tooth...UGH...can't unread that 😳. More rose and thanks for making me smile.
  4. Simone March 29, 2019 at 10:33 am #
    Completely unrelated to anything in the post: would you consider doing a blog post of your current favorites for spring? (Talking clothes here) I follow you on Instagram and you are great at linking or telling us your stuff, but I'd love it in a blog post for easy access. Even if it is stuff you don't have but are eyeing. Also a tutorial on your new hairstyle because it is life.
    • Bev Weidner March 29, 2019 at 3:29 pm #
      That's not a bad idea! Let me think on how I can pull this off. Stay tuned!
  5. Autumn March 29, 2019 at 11:15 am #
    i just love you! LOL... I love the way you think and I literally had snot come outta my nose when I read about climbing & crawling into bed! hysterical... and then you tied is all together so well :) genius ;)
  6. Susan March 29, 2019 at 12:43 pm #
    Dissolving tooth?? NO! When I was in about third grade I did have a friend with an extra tooth that grew down from the roof of her mouth. I had nightmares about that -ish for years. I have always thought of myself as a pretty cool dancer but other peoples' wedding videos slapped me in the face with harsh reality. I'm not cool and sad to say, probably never was.
  7. K March 29, 2019 at 1:34 pm #
    I've got you on the toothpaste thing. I've tried to brush my teeth with my razor....twice. I cut my tongue the first time I did it. The second time I caught it before I started scrubbing. Ugh. ha ha.
    • Julie March 29, 2019 at 2:45 pm #
      Razor?! I'm sorry, but that is absolutely hilarious. I mean as long as you're ok.
    • Bev Weidner March 29, 2019 at 3:29 pm #
      I'm sorry WHAT? A RAZOR? I need to see how this went down. Are your toothbrush and razor close in shape and size and color? I'm so perplexed! (and laughing like, a lot.) ARE YOU OKAY?
  8. Mike March 29, 2019 at 2:10 pm #
    One might "climb" into the upper bunk bed?
  9. Nancy March 29, 2019 at 2:43 pm #
    When my son was young, he grew a 3rd front tooth! And that sucker did not dissolve and he had to have it pulled and I was more scared than he was because I knew the pain dentists inflict! But he did great and I had to look away because I knew.......I got the new book last night at the used bookstore; I was really looking for Where the Crawdads Sing but they didn't have it but i was standing right in front of A Grown Up Kind of Pretty so I'm reading along even though I'm sure I'll be lagging behind :)
    • Bev Weidner March 29, 2019 at 3:27 pm #
      Yaaaaay so glad you're reading with me! I'm one chapter in and COMPLETELY HOOKED.
  10. JC March 29, 2019 at 2:58 pm #
    My friend is short and just got a new bed/mattress-she has to catapult into bed as do I when I am having back issues. Otherwise I get into bed. You know the phrase-dance like no one is watching because in reality they aren't-go for it!!!
    • Melissa Saltsman March 29, 2019 at 4:35 pm #
      I'm very short. Our mattress topper hits me at the waist. I definitely climb into bed every night.
  11. Jane March 30, 2019 at 1:37 am #
    OMG!!! I recently started following you but I don't remember ever laughing over a post evahhhh in all my yeas of blogging. The toothpaste deal reminded me ion the time I thought I was using a Clorox spray on every counter of my house. It turned out to be my pet odor and stain remover. At least until recently when we bought a new mattress...16 inches high. You can get a nosebleed. So no---no falling in...you need a walking stick. Up until a wedding a wedding a few years ago I thought I was a pretty cool dancer. I did the bootie shake from the nineties, with the arms going up and down like we were chopping wood, and then my kids told me to stop embarrassing them. And you know what???? They don't even move. They sway back and forth like slinky snakes, pointing their fingers to some imaginary object on the ceiling. Oooooh! Hahahaha! Thanks for the laughs and making us think, Bev!!
  12. Lori H March 30, 2019 at 7:38 am #
    We have older British friends who used to make the trip over the pond to see us (too elderly now). On one visit, we are sitting at the breakfast table and the woman says to her husband, "the top is off my hemorrhoidal cream...did you brush your teeth with it??" Her husband merely replies matter-of-factly, "I thought my gums seems very taut this morning" lol. That is one of our favorite stories!
  13. Anonymous March 30, 2019 at 3:17 pm #
    Okay. I crawl into bed 😬. I’m so tired by the time I get done with the homework, dinner, clean up, bath, their bedtime routine, my bedtime routine...you know. (Oh and potty training is currently happening with the 👶🏼) I cant even sit. I just put one hand and one knee in front of the other and craaaawwwl into bed🤷🏻‍♀️ Your chicken & veggie bake is on the menu this week by the way!! 🙌
  14. Ari April 2, 2019 at 1:11 pm #
    I once thought I was using facial astringent (the old school blue kind) but it was nail polish remover 😬. At first I thought, wow, this astringent is pretty strong and smelly. It took me longer than I care to admit to realize it was nail polish remover. I like to think it was just a DIY chemical peel.

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