Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 1

I say edition 1 because I like the idea of terrifying you silly that there’s a chance of 19 hundred and 87 billion more editions to come by January. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

So, I’ve been doing this whole pregotron thing for 15 weeks and 3 days. And I have to say, this shiz is weird. Of course I’m happy and blissful and grateful and blah blah, but uhhh, nature? Why you gotta be so cray?

1) Just to get this out of the way, many people get confused when it comes to the science of in vitro. I get asked a lot, “So, are these YOUR babies? Are they Aaron’s? Are you carrying someone else’s babies? Is someone else carrying yours? Are they in your stomach right now? Are they in your kneecaps? HOW DOES IT WOOOOORK.” So I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. You guys, don’t let Aaron tell you these are his babies. These kids belong to me and George Clooney and that’s my final answer.

2) Wine: Okay, up until about a week ago, I hadn’t missed it at all. The smell of it? Disgusting. The thought of drinking it? I’d rather lower myself into a saltwater eel tank. But then Jessica came to visit last week and we all went to dinner. Aaron ordered a bottle of wine for them to split, which was great! I had my water. I had my happiness. But then he poured her a glass, and then himself a glass, and I sat there, watching as they swirled the glasses and sniffed the open rims, commenting on the richness of this and the oakyness of that, UGH. Without thinking, I grabbed Aaron’s glass and stuck my tongue down in it. Just stuck it on in. I didn’t drink the wine, oh no. I just let my tongue hang out IN the wine for a good two minutes as I moaned and groaned and my eyes rolled around in ecstasy. I know what you’re thinking and yes, it was definitely an, “I’ll have what she’s having” moment. I retrieved my tongue from the glass about 20 minutes later and life was beautiful again.

3) Cowlicks: Okay, right around week 5 I randomly grew a cowlick on the BACK of my head. Not the front. Thuuuuu back. But I wouldn’t even call this thing a cowlick. It’s more like I stuck my head over a tank at Sea World and let Shamu jump out of her (his?) tank and lick the back of my head into a landing strip. It’s a darling look on me.

4) Could we talk about belly molds for a second? Because I have a true factual story of my life to tell you. The other day Aaron and I were meandering through a posh maternity store when he discovered a box kit on making your own belly molds. He held it up to me and laughed, and of course I ew ewed all over it. No WAY are we doing that, duder. A few days pass, and out of nowhere, Aaron says to me, “So I’m thinking about making my OWN belly mold kit for us to play with.” Me, “Say what?” Him, “Yeah. I’m thinking it would be pretty cool to make a few different molds at different stages of your belly growth, and put them out, like chip bowls!” Me, “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Him, “Yeah, like art. Conversation pieces.” Me, “I’m about to conversation piece my fist in your face.”

George Clooney would never do this to me, you guys.

5) Ummmmm, real quick, have you seen this hilarious Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter? HYS-TER-ICAL. I’m not even going to tell you how much time a day I spend day-dreaming my lil’ tots in these clothes. And the imaginary daughter’s name is Quinoa. QUINOA. It’s amazing. Just go. Read all the captions. You’ll die. Then come back and tell me your favorite.

6) Balance, Hiccups and General Clumsiness: It’s gotten soooooo baaaad, you guuuuuuys. I used to walk with this wondrous, elegant gait, just like Charlize Theron. You couldn’t take your eyes off me. Now I bump into doorways, trip over air, and knock my elbows into everything ever. Oh, I still walk like Charlize Theron . . . IN MONSTER.

As far as hiccups go, it’s really weird. They’re not a strand of hiccups, like after a few beers. They are random Hulk Hogan hiccups from the depths of my stomach pit, and they sound like my diaphragm is trying to shove a white flag of surrender up through my esophagus. Another darling look on me.

7) Mouthwash: THIS one is strange. I’ve always liked mouthwash. Who doesn’t? That tingle? The blast of mint? Plus it gives you a chance to pretend you’re in a mouthwash commercial. But lately, I havetohavetohaveto mouthwash like 15 thousand times a day. Or else I get sword fighty. I have no idea what it is, but as soon as I’m done eating, I need the food taste OUT and the minty freshness IN. And gum won’t do. It has to be mouthwash. OHMYGAWD is this what being high maintenance is? Because I like it.

8) Chocolate Milkshakes: Call me cliché Kay, but I’m absolutely OBSESSED with all of the chocolate milkshakes. Is it the need for extra calcium? Or chocolate? Or both? I don’t care what it is, just as long as it’s falling down my throat multiple hours a day while I look at my favorite Pinterest board while hiccuping and bumping into the table with a bottle of mouthwash and my pretty stylish Shamu-lick.

Let’s just hold each other in our prayers as we await and see what weeks 16 through 20 have in store for me.

Ay yi yi.