Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 1

I say edition 1 because I like the idea of terrifying you silly that there’s a chance of 19 hundred and 87 billion more editions to come by January. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

So, I’ve been doing this whole pregotron thing for 15 weeks and 3 days. And I have to say, this shiz is weird. Of course I’m happy and blissful and grateful and blah blah, but uhhh, nature? Why you gotta be so cray?

-2

1) Just to get this out of the way, many people get confused when it comes to the science of in vitro. I get asked a lot, “So, are these YOUR babies? Are they Aaron’s? Are you carrying someone else’s babies? Is someone else carrying yours? Are they in your stomach right now? Are they in your kneecaps? HOW DOES IT WOOOOORK.” So I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. You guys, don’t let Aaron tell you these are his babies. These kids belong to me and George Clooney and that’s my final answer.

2) Wine: Okay, up until about a week ago, I hadn’t missed it at all. The smell of it? Disgusting. The thought of drinking it? I’d rather lower myself into a saltwater eel tank. But then Jessica came to visit last week and we all went to dinner. Aaron ordered a bottle of wine for them to split, which was great! I had my water. I had my happiness. But then he poured her a glass, and then himself a glass, and I sat there, watching as they swirled the glasses and sniffed the open rims, commenting on the richness of this and the oakyness of that, UGH. Without thinking, I grabbed Aaron’s glass and stuck my tongue down in it. Just stuck it on in. I didn’t drink the wine, oh no. I just let my tongue hang out IN the wine for a good two minutes as I moaned and groaned and my eyes rolled around in ecstasy. I know what you’re thinking and yes, it was definitely an, “I’ll have what she’s having” moment. I retrieved my tongue from the glass about 20 minutes later and life was beautiful again.

3) Cowlicks: Okay, right around week 5 I randomly grew a cowlick on the BACK of my head. Not the front. Thuuuuu back. But I wouldn’t even call this thing a cowlick. It’s more like I stuck my head over a tank at Sea World and let Shamu jump out of her (his?) tank and lick the back of my head into a landing strip. It’s a darling look on me.

-3

4) Could we talk about belly molds for a second? Because I have a true factual story of my life to tell you. The other day Aaron and I were meandering through a posh maternity store when he discovered a box kit on making your own belly molds. He held it up to me and laughed, and of course I ew ewed all over it. No WAY are we doing that, duder. A few days pass, and out of nowhere, Aaron says to me, “So I’m thinking about making my OWN belly mold kit for us to play with.” Me, “Say what?” Him, “Yeah. I’m thinking it would be pretty cool to make a few different molds at different stages of your belly growth, and put them out, like chip bowls!” Me, “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Him, “Yeah, like art. Conversation pieces.” Me, “I’m about to conversation piece my fist in your face.”

George Clooney would never do this to me, you guys.

5) Ummmmm, real quick, have you seen this hilarious Pinterest board, My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter? HYS-TER-ICAL. I’m not even going to tell you how much time a day I spend day-dreaming my lil’ tots in these clothes. And the imaginary daughter’s name is Quinoa. QUINOA. It’s amazing. Just go. Read all the captions. You’ll die. Then come back and tell me your favorite.

6) Balance, Hiccups and General Clumsiness: It’s gotten soooooo baaaad, you guuuuuuys. I used to walk with this wondrous, elegant gait, just like Charlize Theron. You couldn’t take your eyes off me. Now I bump into doorways, trip over air, and knock my elbows into everything ever. Oh, I still walk like Charlize Theron . . . IN MONSTER.

As far as hiccups go, it’s really weird. They’re not a strand of hiccups, like after a few beers. They are random Hulk Hogan hiccups from the depths of my stomach pit, and they sound like my diaphragm is trying to shove a white flag of surrender up through my esophagus. Another darling look on me.

-5

7) Mouthwash: THIS one is strange. I’ve always liked mouthwash. Who doesn’t? That tingle? The blast of mint? Plus it gives you a chance to pretend you’re in a mouthwash commercial. But lately, I havetohavetohaveto mouthwash like 15 thousand times a day. Or else I get sword fighty. I have no idea what it is, but as soon as I’m done eating, I need the food taste OUT and the minty freshness IN. And gum won’t do. It has to be mouthwash. OHMYGAWD is this what being high maintenance is? Because I like it.

8) Chocolate Milkshakes: Call me cliché Kay, but I’m absolutely OBSESSED with all of the chocolate milkshakes. Is it the need for extra calcium? Or chocolate? Or both? I don’t care what it is, just as long as it’s falling down my throat multiple hours a day while I look at my favorite Pinterest board while hiccuping and bumping into the table with a bottle of mouthwash and my pretty stylish Shamu-lick.

-4

Let’s just hold each other in our prayers as we await and see what weeks 16 through 20 have in store for me.

Ay yi yi.

56 Responses to Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 1

  1. Amy @Very Culinary August 7, 2013 at 9:12 am #
    Bwahahahaha. Those perfectly dressed children, with their perfect smooth skin and accessories. I'm lucky if my kids have matching socks (ok, that's not true - I'm OCD over here - my kids are gonna have matching socks, dammit. But....)
  2. Raechel August 7, 2013 at 9:14 am #
    You are hilarious. I could read one of these every day lol! Now I am off to read Quinoa's pinterest page lol Oh and your (or Aaron's?) Orecchiette pasta with tomatoes and corn in on the menu for tomorrow :D I showed it to my boyfriend the day it was posted and he has been threatening me to make it haha. I can't wait :)
  3. Jaclyn August 7, 2013 at 9:15 am #
    All of this made me laugh so hard. As a newlywed (1yr anniversary this weekend!), pregnancy is likely in my somewhat near future. So honestly you freaked me out slightly with some of this! But, I hope I have the same sense of humor as you do. The chip bowls out of your belly? Is your husband insane?! You're right...George Clooney would NEVER do that to you. George is the epitome of a perfect man.
  4. Robyn Stone | Add a Pinch August 7, 2013 at 9:18 am #
    I'm laughing my rear off!!! You are cracking me up! Can't wait to read all of your posts throughout this wonderful journey with you!!!
  5. Megan {Country Cleaver} August 7, 2013 at 9:19 am #
    No need to baby-proof your house, you have to Bev-proof it!! I fear the day I get knocked up and end up clumsier than I am now... I'm always bruised from one door jam or one coffee table.
  6. katriel August 7, 2013 at 9:29 am #
    "One time when Quinoa and I got separated in a busy train station, she thankfully remembered our safety training: stay in one place, look spectacular, and don't talk to poor people."
    • Bev Weidner August 7, 2013 at 9:29 am #
      Yessss, hahahahhaha!!
      • katriel August 7, 2013 at 5:58 pm #
        I hadn't seen this before, and died a little bit looking through. Definitely a good use of time at work today :)
  7. claire @ the realistic nutritionist August 7, 2013 at 9:32 am #
    I hope you name your child Quinoa. and hashtag. and possibly Barley Wheat Bran. hahahah :)
  8. Cindy Martin August 7, 2013 at 9:34 am #
    Hilarious, Bev! Do you know the gender of the babes?
  9. Cassie Parker August 7, 2013 at 9:34 am #
    I, too, was stricken with the chocolate milkshakes. they made everything better. and then gave me heartburn like i'd eaten 67 chili dogs. i'd like to say clumsiness ends, but for me, it got worse (cue dropping 5 oz of breastmilk on the kitchen floor...and find me laying next to it, sobbing). love reading about your pregnancy!
  10. Alla August 7, 2013 at 9:36 am #
    CONGRATS! i'm 36 weeks :) (second child - both ivf) And about the wine anxiety- just pour yourself a glass!!!! Swirl it, smell it, set it down, pick it back up, swirl, smell. I'm telling you it's almost like the real thing! And if you were to listen to my French boss... drink ze red wine! it iz very helsy for ze pregnant womenz!
  11. Katha August 7, 2013 at 9:46 am #
    I was (still am actually) in hysterics over "Günter and his ill-fitting Burberry sweaters". Especially because every second man over 60 here in Germany is called Günter ;-)
  12. Julie August 7, 2013 at 9:46 am #
    You're so funny! Love reading your blog.
  13. Averie @ Averie Cooks August 7, 2013 at 9:52 am #
    I love this post and all your thoughts. And you are one beautiful pregnant lady :) I definitely did not look so cool-as-a-cumcumber when I was pregnant during the summer months. aka, more like a hot mess :)
  14. Heather August 7, 2013 at 9:52 am #
    Oh honey. The weirdness just keeps happening - it's so cool. And totally bizarre. And then the babies will be here and you'll be all, "I don't remember what THAT felt like!" Except for the things that were totally gross (for me it was a particular flavor of Orbit gum) and they'll still be kinda gross. That gum? I cried for days about that gum when I was preggo because it was so gross, and I STILL can't chew it without getting all watery-mouth. Ugh!
  15. johanna / maxandmoses.blogspot.com August 7, 2013 at 9:54 am #
    This was hilarious - and sooooo true! My son is now six weeks old and I have to say that I did NOT enjoy pregnancy. Not at all. Clumsiness and bumping into things? Yeah, I got stuck between our bed and a drawer. The gap used to be wide enough. Hiccups? I had MAJOR heartburn for the last, I don't know, ten weeks? I also had such pain in my pelvic joints that I could hardly walk. It also woke me at night. Which I didn't mind so much since I had to get up to go to the toilet anyways. Having the baby is great, lovely and amazing. But I just don't understand how some say they miss being pregnant. Also there was the problem of not being allowed to drink wine. Although I did. About three tablespoonfuls during the whole pregnancy. The baby is fine.
  16. Kristen August 7, 2013 at 9:55 am #
    You are so funny - and you and George make cute kids... I can already tell in those sono pics!
  17. Tieghan August 7, 2013 at 9:56 am #
    Smiling from ear to ear after reading this. I really think you should consider writing a book about your pregnancy. Your words are so funny and totally brightened my morning!
  18. courtney August 7, 2013 at 9:59 am #
    I love ya woman...man if I had a blog each time I was pregnant...one of them would have said hamburgers for 6 months and tje other would have said eating funyons again..and again..and again...what fun is charting and seeing how your peaks and valleys go....can'twait to read when your belly is so full that it give you heartburn to breathe air...my whoremones were crazy!! Aww the fun of it all!! Definitely keep up the blog..we all obviously love it!! Xoxo
  19. Cookbook Queen August 7, 2013 at 10:08 am #
    You cutie butt!! I agree, pregnancy is so weird. And I missed wine like my long lost child. I craved chocolate milk like crazy up until the end of my second trimester. I know this doesn't sound so odd, unless you know me, and even WATCHING someone drink milk makes me want to blow chunks. So when we'd make emergency convenience store pit stops and I'd chug a Nesquik in the middle of the parking lot, my family just stood there, staring. It was a little awkward...
  20. cindy August 7, 2013 at 10:18 am #
    two of my bff's are pregnant right now, and I don't even get enough updates...love this and keep the posts coming!
  21. jenny August 7, 2013 at 10:33 am #
    i love you!! you crack me up...love the preggo posts! soooo funny!!
  22. Stuart August 7, 2013 at 11:02 am #
    The weirdness doesn't ever really stop. You will find yourself loving things you hated (mine was deviled eggs) and you hate things you loved (tomatoes). You just never know how it's going to hit you. But just start to research a lot and don't let people tell you horror birth stories, because they will. Tell them to shut up. I will pass along one thing that scared me after Holland (my 18m little girl) was born. Give it a few weeks and your hair starts to fall out. Nobody warned me and it scared the hell outta me. I guess from lack of pregnancy hormones and the extra vitamins you take , it all stops and then the hair goes... Your beautiful and I do very much hope to see some wild craving recipes pop up!
    • Stuart August 7, 2013 at 11:03 am #
      Oh and it's okay to have a glass of red wine every now and then!
  23. shelly (cookies and cups) August 7, 2013 at 11:56 am #
    Love this! I was obsessed with Count Chocula with my first kiddo. Like couldn't live without it. And since it's only available around Halloween I was buying Count Chocula off the black market. True Story.
  24. Stacey I August 7, 2013 at 12:06 pm #
    You are too funny :) I was the most un-graceful-pregnant-person-ever... Loving these updates!! Keep 'em coming please!!
  25. Gina @ So Lets Hang Out August 7, 2013 at 12:28 pm #
    This is amazing. I love the real talk. Also... CHIP BOWLS?!?! Bahahahaha! What?! If nothing else, that hubby of yours is creative. I can only imagine putting out some Doritos for a party in my "6 Month Belly Bowl". Maybe a little dip in the "2 Month Belly Bowl"? Perf. Go on... snack away. Fantastic. Not uncomfortable at all.
  26. Erin L August 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm #
    AHHH! Thank you so much for mentioning the mouthwash thing!! I have always brushed my teeth about 4 times a day, but now (at 3 months pregnant) I have to brush them the minute after I swallow something!! I totally get it! The taste of food left in my mouth is completely nauseating. I have toothbrushes & toothpaste stashed in every bathroom in the house. Thank you so much for making me feel validated! (Also, before the pregnancy I had been dairy free for over a decade-- now the only things that makes me feel better are vanilla yogurt, & chocolate malts. It's ridiculous.) By the way you look way too pulled together for someone who is preggers with TWINS!
  27. Nancy P.@thebittersideofsweet August 7, 2013 at 2:08 pm #
    When I was in Italy and I refused wine because I was pregnant they looked at me with blank stares and wondering what language I was speaking. I proceeded to see their point and took a small sip. After that I didn't feel too bad for taking a sip or two off my husbands glass but it didn't happen often because giult sets in. So there you go use wine as your mouthwash and your good to go!! LOL just kidding!
  28. Becky @ Olives n Wine August 7, 2013 at 2:37 pm #
    O to the M to the G. I've never been preggo but you have me rolling around laughing in the office. Yeah, I read blogs at the office - oops. My bad. Anyways - I hope I'm as cute as you when I'm eventually PG and that I also have gargantuan hiccups and let my tongue hang out in wine glasses because I'm just that cool ;)
  29. Des August 7, 2013 at 3:03 pm #
    HAHA You crack me up on a regular basis. Always love coming to read your posts :) And umm that Pinterest board = Amazing.
  30. Stephanie @ Girl Versus Dough August 7, 2013 at 3:13 pm #
    You are my favorite. Also, you and George are going to have alpha babies, fo realz.
  31. Laurie {SimplyScratch} August 7, 2013 at 3:28 pm #
    You are so stinkin' beautiful BEV! Such a great post xxo! ;)
  32. Katie August 7, 2013 at 3:39 pm #
    Oh I can't wait to see your babies! I'm just sitting here trying to picture a mash of genes between you and George (or Aaron). Both beautiful. Also, I'm keen on drinking pickle juice these days. Just straight up drink the juice. Talk about a cliche.
  33. Natalie @ Cooking for My Kids August 7, 2013 at 4:10 pm #
    Oh, Bev! These pregnancy posts are my absolute favorites....and you know how much I LOVE your food posts, so that is saying A LOT. I cannot wait to see your beautiful babies!
  34. Dionna @ Le Fork August 7, 2013 at 4:55 pm #
    "It was when Quinoa demanded a miniature deer at her Pre-K portrait session that I truly began to understand her gift"
  35. sara forte August 7, 2013 at 8:00 pm #
    you are my most favorite. What lucky babies to have you as a mom and what a blessing you must be to George. Love reading these thoughts, so crazy how it does different things to different people, keep them coming!
  36. Stefanie @ Sarcastic Cooking August 8, 2013 at 9:58 am #
    Ok. I can relate to a lot of this, well aside from the whole Clooney factor. I am due in December, just with a little singleton, a baby boy. It is my first experience with all this stuff, so like you I am feeling so happy and blessed, but also miss some wine with friends. I am on the other end of the pregnancy stereotype though, pickles. All I want are pickles. Yup, I am a cliche. Also I have turned super clumsy and super forgetful. Never have I ever been either of those things before. Also, belly hair. It is a thing and I am not a fan.
  37. Lindsay August 8, 2013 at 1:36 pm #
    "Quinoa's friend Eleven puts the bad in badminton. Boy is smacking down shuttlecocks and taking names."
  38. Tracey @ Cooking with Love August 10, 2013 at 7:48 pm #
    You're so freakin hilarious Bev!! :)
  39. Tracey @ Cooking with Love August 10, 2013 at 7:49 pm #
    You're soooo hilarious Bev!! :)
  40. DessertForTwo August 11, 2013 at 6:29 pm #
    I hope there really are 19 billion updates like this. I love you so much! I'm so glad you have a cowlick now. Truly. xo
  41. Jenny August 12, 2013 at 8:53 pm #
    You're so funny.......this is totally classic Bev mentality to the core!!! Thanks for making me laugh and I can catch up on all your pregnancy details, hiccups and swooshing and all!
  42. Carrie @bakeaholicmama August 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm #
    I really really hope you do a ton of these posts. I am not sure anyone has anyone made the unpleasantness of pregnancy so funny. And seriously... the mouth wash. I had to chew gum/ brush my teeth/mouthwash after every oz of food with my last pregnancy. The lingering taste of anything but peppermint turned my stomach.
  43. nursing assistant certificate August 22, 2014 at 3:51 am #
    It is possible to find CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) courses online, but it is important to know that some of these so called CNA courses offered online can be pretty misleading. I have attended training sessions in (insert name of some training you have done in recent years), and am very interested in continuing to develop my skills in this area. It is possible for you to to work quite a lot of shifts which is able to embody 8 or 12 hours shifts that can greater than seemingly embrace weekends.
  44. Briana January 7, 2016 at 6:20 pm #
    Bev, I just found out I'm pregnant with twins from ivf and re reading your knocked up series just cracked me up! Your hilarious! I'm scared to death and at a little over 8 weeks I'm getting sick! Ugh help!! Did you get sick?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Celebration Pizza | the short stack - August 8, 2013 […] I’m thrilled for her. And she’s using her blog to educate the interwebs about IVF. She’s dispelling myths. She’s a rockstar like that. I think we are kindred sisters. I’m probably blocked from […]
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  3. Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 2 | Bev Cooks - September 5, 2013 […] Edition 1, in case ya missed it. And I’m sorry in advance. […]
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  6. 4-Ingredient Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies | Gimme Some Oven - December 13, 2013 […] has candidly and bravely shared on her blog about how she and her husband struggled for years with infertility. But I’m ridiculously grateful that her story has had a happy ending, and that she and Aaron […]
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