Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRR a h d a h!

Okay be honest, who here buys those trash bucket grocery store romance novels?

You know, the ones where the ladies are ALWAYS in some velvet Victorian dress draping dramatically off her shoulders revealing lacy cleavage as she leans into shirtless Fabio clones holding a spear or boat rope?

And why are they sold in grocery stores? Why the grocery store tie? Is it becomes moms mostly do the shopping and they’re cheap? The books, not the moms.

I remember being a kid and spotting them in SKAGGS in Hobbs and my mom was always like, “Don’t look at those.” But I looked. I had to. They were across from the greeting cards and I was always sneaking glances. Guys that is about as rebellious as I ever got. You’re welcome, MOM.

These books. Are they . . . any good? Bad good? Good bad? So bad they’re good then bad again? What’s the writing actually like? Do you have a secret stash in the back of your closet ready for when your kids go back to in-person school?

I think we might need to find out about these books.

You go first.

Will doesn’t say the word “tonight.” He says, “this night.”

“Mom, I’m going to write a book this night.”

“Can we have a Snuggle Family Movie Night this night?”

“What’s for dinner this night?”

I WILL MOURN THE DAY HE FIGURES IT OUT.

Also if he starts using the word “fortnight” I’m done.

Natalie is my feeler. She ties everything that happens or has happened to the feeling she has whilst having it.

“I remember the feeling of Christmas,” she said the other morning. “Like the feeling of putting the ornaments on the tree. I can feel it.”

“I know the feeling of riding a bicycle. The way my feet feel on the pedals and the wind on me. I can feel that.”

“I remember the feeling of Kindergarten. Like the classroom and the way Mrs. Krause looked at me. I feel her eyes. I feel them.” I go, “You mean like a ghost?,” and she left the room.

These are things I just felt like telling you this day.

Speaking of, do you have any weird superstitions?

I’m not even that superstitious, but holy faces I cannot say Bloody Mary three times in the night when I’m washing my hands after peeing. CANNOT WILL NOT DEW EET. She will come out of that mirror and murder me dead.

Do you have anything irrational from childhood that stuck in your adult life? Stepping on a crack, break your mama’s back? Walking under a ladder? Break a mirror and get 13 years bad luck? What’s the one about the black cat? How close can you get to one? I can’t remember. I’m viciously allergic so I avoid those hellish creatures anyway.

You guys I’ve NEVER EVEN SEEN A hold on I have to Google the spelling, hold on –

OUIJA BOARD in person. I’ve never seen one. I can’t look at it. I can barely talk about it. Do you have one? Do you have any stories tied to one? Don’t tell me. Tell me. Well now I clearly have to know.

Oh dear.

POLL:

And this one’s weird. But I’m dying to know:

Would you rather renovate your house, or get a jowl lift?

Go.

(mom I’m not getting a jowl lift, simmer down.)

Weekend plans?

NAWTA THANG here. Yard work, reading, organizing my brass picture frames, maybe thrifting brass mirrors for the living room, a walk to the Village for a cappuccino, early bedtimes, a couple of runs, some banana pumpkin pancakes (oh I’ll get you the recipe, pigeon), and outside patio lounging. So yeah like I said, nothin’!

From this week, in case you happened to miss it: Cardamom and Green Apple Puff Pastries! Breakfast this weekend, duh. And Linguine with Roasted Tomatoes and Asparagus! Vegetarian, rustic, Sunday dinner perfection.

Okay I’m braced for WEEGEE stories. Go.

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8 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Wren September 18, 2020 at 7:55 am #
    RE: The Grocery Store Romance Novels My experience is that they are so bad, they're good. I don't buy them there but I inherited a LOT of these from my grandmother (as well as a vinyl collection that was also apparently once sold in grocery stores). My suspicion is that the grocery store angle was a sneaky way for women to buy those before it was openly more acceptable, or to use grocery money to purchase these things if they don't have their own job. I like to read them when things are crazy because the plots are predictable and nothing too stressful happens.
  2. Nancy September 18, 2020 at 9:38 am #
    I have never read the grocery store novels but have been binging some Netflix' series that probably equate to these books. As Wren (above) said the plots are predictable and that's what I need right now! Mindless fluff if you will :). I had a Ouija board when I was 13, 14 somewhere around that age and one night me, my BF & my sister tried to contact Janis Joplin. It was so ridiculous us sitting there with our eyes closed, fingers lightly resting on the little arrow thingy and my sister goes, "Janis, we want to hear your songs again" and for whatever reason, the three of us totally cracked up and couldn't stop laughing. So not scary at all and a funny memory. As an adult now, I have no desire to contact the dead or to know the future! Ha! Happy Friday!
  3. Jenn P September 18, 2020 at 9:56 am #
    My best friend's son used to say "yester-night" instead of last night. He also used to say "I can't know" instead of "I don't know" which turns out is a pretty useful phrase as a grown up. I also WILL NOT say Bloody Mary three times or even look in a mirror if it's dark in the bathroom. WIll NOT do it.
    • Jackie September 18, 2020 at 1:53 pm #
      Ditto. Can't even look in the mirror.
      • Susie September 19, 2020 at 2:54 pm #
        Never heard of the Bloody Mary mirror deal. And can’t unknow it now.
  4. Diane September 18, 2020 at 11:18 am #
    My Mom and I used to read those romance novels like they were going to disappear right away - The Flame and The Flower is one I recall. Pretty racy stuff but very romantic. Haven't read one in years! I've use "a hold on" all my life - guess it's a Southern thing. :) Ouija Boards give me the heebie jeebies - 'nuff said. I would much rather renovate my house than get a jowl lift! As for black cats, I have 3 solid black kitties and 5 black and white Tuxedo kitties, and they've brought my nothing but love and joy - scaredy cats here!
    • Anonymous September 18, 2020 at 11:19 am #
      No scaredy cats :)
  5. Tobi September 18, 2020 at 11:50 am #
    OMG you mentioned Skaggs!! I remember them from when I was a youngster in Phoenix AZ. I had a Ouija board when I was a kid and some pretty bizarre stuff happened with it. The planchette really did move on its own, and my friends and I would ask all sorts of questions. If we got too silly, the planchette would start tracking around in a circle faster and faster, and one time it was going so fast it fell off the board. It freaked my stepdad out so he threw it away, and I worried the "spirits" would get mad and come get me. They haven't yet, HAHA! Aaaand, my house is still fairly new so I'm down for a jowl lift!

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