Friday Flotsam


Guys, I feel sorry for Karens.

Not Karens Karens. They make me laugh/cringe. But real Karens. Actual Karens. Birth certificate Karens. Also, HOW DID THIS COME TO BE?

First of all, I know two girls named Karen. Not currently, but I knew them in high school. And I always wonder, are . . . they okay? Because this is not a time to be named Karen, I tell you what.

But really, how did this whole thing originate? Was it that Eight and Kate whatever girl’s hair cut that started it all? A HAIR CUT? Or was Kate a Karen? Did Kate ever ask to see the manager? And then whoever in TJ Maxx overheard and was like, “Oh no she did not. Well “Kate” is too classy a name. Let’s change it to Karen! Let the internet memes begin!”

Or do you think it was more like a When Harry Met Sally type of situation? (because everything to me is a When Harry Met Sally type of situation) A simple conversation over a ham sandwich at a diner table? “A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man, but humping and pumping is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. Do it to me ‘Sheldon’. You’re an animal ‘Sheldon’. Ride me big ‘Sheldon’. Doesn’t work.”

Was it like that, you think? I bet it was.

Aaron got really lucky with his name association. Really, to this day people still call him A-A-RON.

The other day I tempted fate and said to A-A-RON, “What could go wrong with a name like Beverly?”

A, “Don’t do it.”

Me, “It’s too classic! No one can make fun of a name like Beverly.”

A, “You’re messing with fire.”

Me, “Nawwww, hardly. The worst would be a crabby librarian meme. Maybe she’s British. I’m fine with that.”

A, “Aaaaand you’re screwed.”

Is your name Karen? Do you know any Karens? Not Karen Karens. Real Karens. How are you handling this? How are they handling this? I bet you’re a treat.

The other day we were perusing what’s new on Netflix, and you know how they’ll give you a “based on what you’ve watched” list?

HOW DARE YOU, NETFLIX, give me a list of nothing but Adam Sandler movies. Why would you treat me like this?

I swear I watch one Adam Sandler movie – ONE. And this is what you think of me? I mean, you’re not wrong.

I noticed something about myself a few years ago and keep forgetting to tell you.

You’re like, “perhaps it’s a sign.”

When I slice food with a knife, I twist my jaw sideways. But not every time! That’s the kicker. It’s only when I’m using a SERRATED knife. My bottom jaw juts to the left as I slice through a tomato. Or a piece of bread.

And I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Bev, I bet you look just like Barbra Streisand, when she hits a big note, ‘FLOWAAAAAAH’ and her bottom lip sways to the left so elegantly.”

No, no I do not look like that. But thank you.

Oh, you know what else? This is so gross. When I read, I liiiiiightly grind my teeth. Not like a harsh sleep grind. (A-A-RON needs a mouth guard for that. Ew.) It’s just this barely-there teeth swiffer buffing. Almost like I’m reading the words inside my mouth with movement but no sound. Swish swish swish, back and forth with every word.

I have no idea why I do this other than I need friends.

We still haven’t seen Hamilton.

AH KNOW, ah know.

To be honest, for the longest time I didn’t even know what it was! Which is horrifying to so many of you, I’m sure, based on my love for musicals and hip hop and the fact that those two words are in the same sentence.

Listen, I’ll order Disney + today and watch it tomorrow night, okay?

Are we going to be alright, you and me?

Wait, did you just throw your laptop into oncoming traffic?

Weekend plans?

I’m finishing The Lies that Bind today! I am loving it. LOVING IT. Just got to that part. Oh my gosh. Loving. And then after that I’ll read (then watch!) Normal People. Have you read/seen it? After THAT, I’ll post our next five books. Get ready. It’s a gud’un.

From this week, in case you missed it: A pantry-staple beef and veggie soup! You can’t hate it. And also the simplest most summery caprese naan pizzas. Eat both over the next few days, okay? Okay.

Well, I’m off to ignore mowing the lawns byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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12 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Nancy July 10, 2020 at 8:30 am #
    So glad to see Flotsam this morning! I do know a woman named Karen and when I saw her last weekend, I said "you know, you're name has gotten a bad reputation?" and she's like "I know. I don't get it" She wasn't upset or anything but the funny thing to me is she will call the manager if the situation warrants, which unfortunately it does half the time. I'm old school (meaning I'm old) and when I'm spending my money anywhere, I expect to get what I pay for. And since the world is run by mostly C students, the manager needs to be called a LOT. I don't condone what that woman did in Central Park; that was totally uncalled for. But when you are in a restaurant and everyone that came in after you is getting their food and you are still sitting there starving and the waiter tells you your flatbreads are coming out of the oven right now but the neighboring tables are getting deep fried food, you know something is amiss. So my Karen didn't ask to see the manager but sought her out and the truth came out at that time. One of the cooks had walked off the job in the middle of lunch hour and it was one of the busiest times of the year (Fall in the mountains) and they were getting their ass handed to them. So our waiter straight up lied to us. There should be a name for people like that! I guess we could stick with Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire but I digress. We got our meals comped and a gift certificate for 3 additional meals. I had to back up what I was trying to explain with an example so you didn't think I was being a Karen! And I could tell you other similar stories but I will spare you! Have a good weekend!
  2. Rebekah S July 10, 2020 at 8:40 am #
    I lightly tap my teeth like a typewriter when I write something. I also say a sentence, and then spell the last word in my brain. Oh! Fun question: when you think a thought, do you hear a voice in your brain? Apparently some people do, and some people don’t. I always hear my thoughts, and thought everyone did, but now I’m finding out that there are people who can think but nothing happens in their brain other than the thought itself. I don’t even understand how that works. Lol
  3. Heather July 10, 2020 at 10:39 am #
    My SIL, a middle-aged middle class white woman, is named Karen. We all joke around about it with her and she takes it all in good stride. There was an article that I saw a couple of weeks ago that said in 30 years the new "Karen" will be Danielle, which is hilarious because that is her daughter's name. I grind my teeth for sure when I sleep and like A-A-Ron I have to wear a mouthguard. I even cracked my crown by grinding my teeth through my mouthguard. I'm a serious grinder, but only when I'm sleeping and my jaw never hurts in the morning. I'm glad that you are loving the book (I had sent you an IG message about the negative reviews I had read on Goodreads about it).
    • Bev Weidner July 10, 2020 at 1:00 pm #
      OHHHH Heather, yes! I'll finish today, but I definitely don't think she's being flippant about 9/11. I'll share more on that once I'm done, but it's suuuuuch a crazy, juicy book. SO Giffin. I'm loving it! And - Danielle; hahahahah!
  4. Amanda July 10, 2020 at 10:40 am #
    I am a late thirty- something and I do not ever want to be slightly considered a Karen so I over compensate. Smile! Everything is wonderful! Thank you so much! 😂 some of these women though... I’m with you, I do feel badly for birth certificate Karens. You will love Hamilton! I watched it last Friday and still haven’t stopped thinking about it.
  5. erin marie July 10, 2020 at 1:17 pm #
    Wait. What’s happening with those bugs on that thing?? Lady bugs? What’s going on there? Is it kind of cool or terrifying?
  6. Lynn July 10, 2020 at 1:35 pm #
    I think before there was Karen there was Susan (like the wet blanket in accounting or whatever office department you want to perceive as less-fun). I still see plenty of memes with Susan. Seems Karen has evolved to be not just a wet blanket but maybe a little clueless (or willfully ignorant and/or racist...). Luckily the one Karen I know lives in the country training horses and probably isn't looking at memes of America with her name in them all day. Also is that pineapple-jalepeno-pepperoni pizza bc that is my favorite. Gah.
  7. Marcy Vander Ploeg July 10, 2020 at 1:46 pm #
    You cracked me up once again!! 🤣🤣
  8. Donna Johnson July 10, 2020 at 1:57 pm #
    If it makes you feel any better I knew nothing about Hamilton (aside from the hype) until the release on Disney+. Girl, you know I adore musicals and hip-hop/rap, too. You are going to LOVE it!! I’ve been watching and listening to it nonstop for the past week. Enjoy!! Prepare to break into song at totally random moments behind your face mask at the grocery stores. News flash, people can still hear you through it. Ha!
    • Andrea July 10, 2020 at 3:11 pm #
      I was just saying yesterday that if my name was Karen I would change my name. There’s no coming back from this. Have you heard about a proposed CAREN act!?
  9. Sarah July 10, 2020 at 2:00 pm #
    It's because "they've been Karen too much about other people's business". hahaha.
    • Nancy July 10, 2020 at 3:09 pm #
      That's funny :)

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