Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRRRRRRhi!

Guys, I feel sorry for Karens.

Not Karens Karens. They make me laugh/cringe. But real Karens. Actual Karens. Birth certificate Karens. Also, HOW DID THIS COME TO BE?

First of all, I know two girls named Karen. Not currently, but I knew them in high school. And I always wonder, are . . . they okay? Because this is not a time to be named Karen, I tell you what.

But really, how did this whole thing originate? Was it that Eight and Kate whatever girl’s hair cut that started it all? A HAIR CUT? Or was Kate a Karen? Did Kate ever ask to see the manager? And then whoever in TJ Maxx overheard and was like, “Oh no she did not. Well “Kate” is too classy a name. Let’s change it to Karen! Let the internet memes begin!”

Or do you think it was more like a When Harry Met Sally type of situation? (because everything to me is a When Harry Met Sally type of situation) A simple conversation over a ham sandwich at a diner table? “A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon’s your man, but humping and pumping is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. Do it to me ‘Sheldon’. You’re an animal ‘Sheldon’. Ride me big ‘Sheldon’. Doesn’t work.”

Was it like that, you think? I bet it was.

Aaron got really lucky with his name association. Really, to this day people still call him A-A-RON.

The other day I tempted fate and said to A-A-RON, “What could go wrong with a name like Beverly?”

A, “Don’t do it.”

Me, “It’s too classic! No one can make fun of a name like Beverly.”

A, “You’re messing with fire.”

Me, “Nawwww, hardly. The worst would be a crabby librarian meme. Maybe she’s British. I’m fine with that.”

A, “Aaaaand you’re screwed.”

Is your name Karen? Do you know any Karens? Not Karen Karens. Real Karens. How are you handling this? How are they handling this? I bet you’re a treat.

The other day we were perusing what’s new on Netflix, and you know how they’ll give you a “based on what you’ve watched” list?

HOW DARE YOU, NETFLIX, give me a list of nothing but Adam Sandler movies. Why would you treat me like this?

I swear I watch one Adam Sandler movie – ONE. And this is what you think of me? I mean, you’re not wrong.

I noticed something about myself a few years ago and keep forgetting to tell you.

You’re like, “perhaps it’s a sign.”

When I slice food with a knife, I twist my jaw sideways. But not every time! That’s the kicker. It’s only when I’m using a SERRATED knife. My bottom jaw juts to the left as I slice through a tomato. Or a piece of bread.

And I know exactly what you’re thinking. “Bev, I bet you look just like Barbra Streisand, when she hits a big note, ‘FLOWAAAAAAH’ and her bottom lip sways to the left so elegantly.”

No, no I do not look like that. But thank you.

Oh, you know what else? This is so gross. When I read, I liiiiiightly grind my teeth. Not like a harsh sleep grind. (A-A-RON needs a mouth guard for that. Ew.) It’s just this barely-there teeth swiffer buffing. Almost like I’m reading the words inside my mouth with movement but no sound. Swish swish swish, back and forth with every word.

I have no idea why I do this other than I need friends.

We still haven’t seen Hamilton.

AH KNOW, ah know.

To be honest, for the longest time I didn’t even know what it was! Which is horrifying to so many of you, I’m sure, based on my love for musicals and hip hop and the fact that those two words are in the same sentence.

Listen, I’ll order Disney + today and watch it tomorrow night, okay?

Are we going to be alright, you and me?

Wait, did you just throw your laptop into oncoming traffic?

Weekend plans?

I’m finishing The Lies that Bind today! I am loving it. LOVING IT. Just got to that part. Oh my gosh. Loving. And then after that I’ll read (then watch!) Normal People. Have you read/seen it? After THAT, I’ll post our next five books. Get ready. It’s a gud’un.

From this week, in case you missed it: A pantry-staple beef and veggie soup! You can’t hate it. And also the simplest most summery caprese naan pizzas. Eat both over the next few days, okay? Okay.

Well, I’m off to ignore mowing the lawns byeeeeeeeeeeeee.