Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRRRRoh ho hooooooo! (didn’t work.)

As if I can follow up with yesterday’s blog post. But I’ll try!

Let’s see. What’s your favorite gum?

Just kidding.

Actually I’m not. What IS your favorite gum, now that I’m thinking about it?

One of my favorite Family Guy scenes is when Peter puts a stick of Fruit Striped gum in his mouth and goes, “Hmmm!” and then half a beat later, “aww.” It is hilarious, you can feel the entire body of invisible viewers go, “YES OMG EXACTLY!!!!” Here I’ll just link it since you think I’ve gone straight mad.

But like, are you an Extra fan, a Trident gal, a Juicy Fruit lover (<–there’s no possible way), an Eclipse supporter, an Orbit devotee? When I was young I was DIE-HARD EXTRA GREEN. And I’d say it like one word – Extragreen. Like cheese on bread as a snack toasted in a toaster oven. Cheeseonbread. Extragreen. JohnStamos. Extragreen.

Then yesterday Aaron gave the kids Trident ORANGE and I remembered just how sweet life can be. I guess technically it’s Tropical Twist, but whatever it is it can live in my face for free.

I’m mainly a MINT gal. Except last month I bought this fancy organic gum in New York that looked like rabbit turds, and they can rot in hell for all I care. Just awful. Tasted like gravel and had no chew, man.

Speaking of chew, my parents NEVER let us chew that one bubble gum that looked like BASEBALL CHEW OR WHATEVER?? What was it. Hold on, I’m looking it up.

BIG LEAGUE CHEW, HAHAHAHA! I remember it was like, shredded up into strands, right? Bright pink. My friends could chew it and pretend they had actual tobacco chew in their mouths but my mom was like, “That is tacky tacky tacky!”

We also couldn’t chew CIGARETTE GUM. That was bottom-of-the-barrel level of class according to my mom. “It teaches awful habits!”

“But please, Mom? All my friends are chewing it. Even the cheerleaders at my elementary school!” (yes we had cheerleaders in elementary school in the ’80s. didn’t you? oh.)

“Never never NEVER! I need to lie down, you’ve given me a headache. Where’s my head tie?” (yes my mom wore a burnt rust polyester tie around her head in the ’80s when she had a headache. didn’t you? oh.)

So yeah, what’s your favorite gum?

You know what would be a good idea? Coffee gum. (yes I’m still on the gum thing.)

So instead of saying, “Sorry I have coffee breath,” you don’t even have to apologize for it! Others will say, “Ooooo I love your coffee breath. Is that that new coffee gum? Can I have a stick?”

But instead of a stick it’s in the shape of a coffee BEAN, omg. And it probably has the tiniest bit of caffeine in it because REGULAR DRINKING COFFEE ISN’T ENOUGH, WHAT.

Your breath would smell like a European coffee shop. You’d be the talk of the village.

Surely this is already a thing. Hold on, I’m looking it up.

O M G YOU GUYS that hippie brand I was talking about has a coffee gum! And they look like rabbit turds! NOOOOO!

You’re like, “Is this honestly the only thing she has in her life right now?”

. . . maybe.

Tell me who your favorite humor Instagram account to follow is. Or are. Multiple.

And I mean, accounts that are like mini SNLs. Skits and ish. Funny actors. I’ll give you mine:

Arielle (and Matt, her fiance with killer dimples.) Arielle is G O R G E O U S and absolutely hysterical. That’s all I have to say about them. I just love ’em together and separate. I’m still waiting on my invite to their wedding.

And Manon Mathews. OMG HER FACES. I mean, her expressions. She has one face. But she can do anything with it, and it gives me so much life. And her voices! Her character voices are perfection (like Jess-KA, omg.) I feel a definite kindred tie to her weirdness, but she’s a lot younger with no jowls and can get away with acting like a total loon in public on camera, so.

Who do you follow? Who do you love? Not that I even have time to invest in anyone else, but I’d love to know what accounts give you side stitches. Besides mine, of course. HA! Just kidding.


Oh! Where are you in Royal Holiday?

I’m finishing today (I’ll recap soon!), and will start We Met In December on Sunday.

GET THIS – I ordered the book last week on Amazon, and it was apparently delivered, but I never found it. So did you KNOW that if you call Amazon customer service, you get a human like – right off (really!) and they’re NICE. They gave me a credit to my account for the inconvenience, and shipped another book immediately for free. Dunzo. I’ll have it tomorrow. Can’t believe it. So easy. Zero hassle. They have no idea I’m saying this OBVIOUSLY, but just had to share good customer service news when it happens. Because it hardly ever happens. And it happened. And I was impressed. Because it happened. So that’s that.

Never mind.

Weekend plans?

We’ve got the kids’ school Christmas parties this morning and then early release at 12:30, so Christmas is basically in five minutes. The last of the wrapping this afternoon, tacos out for dinner tonight, the cruise around our neighborhoods to see the lights, a little Christmas dinnering tomorrow night with more festive movies, and then we OUT on Monday.

On that note, Merry MERRY Christmas and I’ll see you all back here on Monday, Dec 30th for a fun New Year’s Eve appie! (hint: it involves butter and carbs and cheese, you’re welcome.)

But listen, just because I said goodbye doesn’t mean you can’t tell me your fave (not fav) gums.

I’m gonna send my mom that cigarette gum for Christmas hahahahahahahah.

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17 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Melanie December 20, 2019 at 8:34 am #
    Remember the gum that had liquid in it? Called something like Bursts, that was pretty cool. And that black gum, Black Jack? Gross.
    • Dana December 20, 2019 at 3:41 pm #
      Freshen Up? The jingle went freshen your breath with freshen u-up, the gum that goes SQUIRT, love that squirt!
  2. Diane December 20, 2019 at 9:16 am #
    I ❤️ juicy fruit. 😂 Also...she doesn’t do skits. But, I love Celeste Barber. I follow her on Instagram, saw her live this past summer, and read her book. She’s funny!!
  3. Maggie December 20, 2019 at 9:22 am #
    I love Heather McMahan, she's absolutely hilarious. You will love her. She has a great podcast too!
  4. Nancy December 20, 2019 at 9:51 am #
    I like The Fat Jewish but he may be a little too crude for your tastes but since I don't really know you, you may like him too. When you said the gum you bought looks like rabbit turds, I knew exactly which gum you were talking about! Someone gifted me some in a stocking or Easter basket or something and at first I didn't like it at all but I came to really like it after a few pieces. So there's that.....Merry Christmas!
  5. Dayna December 20, 2019 at 11:38 am #
    Anyone remember Teaberry? or I am just too old for the rest of your followers !! BTW - looks like you are drying a dehydrator or oven? If dehydrator, what kind? Id like to get one for my daughter. Thanks.. Old lady in KC
  6. lynn December 20, 2019 at 12:10 pm #
    Speaking of orange - ORANGE TIC-TACS. not a way to freshen breath but boy did I eat them like candy bc that's what they are...just empty the whole box into my mouth in one chocking-hazard-like-pour. Yes to juicy fruit, big red, and these days, bc I'm an adult, Extra Polar Ice or some version of that - some brand has Sweet Mint which I also love. Orbit maybe?
  7. Anonymous December 20, 2019 at 12:57 pm #
    I just discovered Mento’s gum and LOVE it. I used to be a Trident original girl but they changed something and it loses its chew fast. But Mento’s is a win and love all the flavors. While this is not a person, I get frequent smiles from the NYTimes cooking comments. Witty and hilarious. Merry Christmas.
    • Carol DePaul December 20, 2019 at 1:47 pm #
      I was a bazooka girl! Had a passion for the bubbles. Juicy fruit was my fave non-bubble variety. I once won a bubble blowing contest when I was 10..with like a ka-zillion pieces in my mouth. Fast forward 50 years..a friend had a bubble blowing contest at her b'day party, and guess who won? YES! I STILL got it! Merry Christmas!
  8. Julie J December 20, 2019 at 2:55 pm #
    Anyone remember Freshen Up? It had the squishy gel center. They were wrapped squares.
  9. Gaye McGrath December 20, 2019 at 3:21 pm #
    Beemans Clove and/or Licorice. Now, does that date me! And I loved those cigarette candies with the pink tip that came in a cigarette like box. Happy holidays!
  10. Tracy December 20, 2019 at 3:36 pm #
    I was a cheerleader in elementary school! Haha!! I don't like gum. Sorry! You are definitely my funniest follow! MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
  11. Amanda December 20, 2019 at 6:25 pm #
    The only gym I chew now is the Extra Polar Ice. I don’t know why! I just love it so I stick with it. Years ago I was also stuck on the green Extra and I completely burnt myself out on it! I love Big League Chew but the grape flavor! Sorry you missed out :(
  12. Monica December 20, 2019 at 9:33 pm #
    Trident Splash! It's kind of hard to find, but literally everyone who I give a piece says, "What kind of gum is this?! It's so good!"
  13. Jennifer December 21, 2019 at 8:06 am #
    I was always a trident original fan. I haven't chewed gum in YEARS until this week actually, I picked up 2 boxes of some sort of gum at Trader Joe's that are these little minty squares in a small box and I love them.
  14. Tracy December 21, 2019 at 12:52 pm #
    Winterfresh from wrigley, can be hard to find but is the best and last a little longer than most!!!!
  15. Lori S December 22, 2019 at 2:48 pm #
    i am dying at your on-point description of that rabbit turd gum! They need to put a picture on the box because I was duped just like you with the mint one - blech. Funny instagram accounts: treykennedy (he pokes fun at millennials) and whineanddheezits (mostly memes about parent, i don't even have kids and it's hilarious).

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