Friday Flotsam

F R I D A Y Y Y A D D D I I I R R R F R I D A Y Y Y A D D D I I I R R R F R I D A Y.

Fall mum

(Yes that’s the same mum as last week, but fuller. More full. More fuller.)

So, I have this idea for an app! Not an appetizer, but a phone app. An a p p l i c a t i o n.

And I need to run it past you to see if something like this already exists, because I think it would be HOT. And if it does already exist, I need to get it pronto. And if it doesn’t exist, I’ll hop on a call with my imaginary investors (who resemble a cozy mix of Jon Hamm and River Phoenix) this afternoon and get this show on the road.

It’s a simple app. It would be called, “OMG WTF WAS THAT BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I JUST MAY VOMIT.” I’m still working on the title. That’s the short version.

It’s basically an app you click on anytime you hear sirens in your neighborhood. Because if you’re like me, you’re obsessed with knowing what just freaking happened two blocks away.

Let’s say you’re at home and you hear police or firetruck sirens. My first thought is always, “Someone’s life just got turned upside down.” My second thought is always, “How bad is it. Is it someone I know? Did baby Jessica fall down the well again? Wait, is O.J. on the run!? Or is it that stupid cat in the tree?”

HI, THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT. You touch a button, and it tells you what just freaking happened.

And if you’re away from your home, like at the park a few blocks away, the app is called, “OMG IS THAT MY HOUSE ON FIRE. TELL ME THAT’S NOT MY HOUSE ON FIRE. CRAP DID I LEAVE MY CURLING IRON ON.” You click the button, and boom – it’s not your house. It’s the stupid cat in the tree again. Now you can go on with your life, in peace, in the know.

We have Jon and River to thank for this.

Also, patent pending.

Sidewalk chalk

I’m really bad with lids.

Whiiiiich leads me to my next invention!

You guys – THREE-INCH LIDS. To anything. Water bottles, medicine jars, toothpaste tubes, ALL THE THINGS. The lids are too thin. Too shallow. Anytime I unscrew a microscopic water bottle lid, I’ll drop it. No question. It’s on the floor. If I’m in my car, the stupid lid is now way down between the seat and the middle console thingie and I’ll never see it again. Gone forever.

Why do they make lids so tiny?! There’s no way to get a good GRIP on the lid once it’s off its home base. Especially if you have a jank hand because you fell and broke your pinky finger at a wedding nine years ago in a dark parking lot on one of those curbs that are supposed to be highlighted bright yellow SO YOU CAN SEE THEM, and your hand has never quite worked the same. See, you get it.

I’m telling you, if they made lids at least three inches long on the sides, the quality of gripping would sky rocket. The world would experience a gripping peace it’s never known. You can screw off and screw on all day long.

That came out wrong.

I’m calling Jon and River right now.

October spook tree

You know you can always feel better about your life when your sister opens a conversation with, “Did I tell you I pooped my pants in public last week?”

I don’t think I could ever love a better strand of words, ever.

Baby girl pondering a good dream

You know how when you take any sort of medicine, the bottle says, “Do not take with alcohol.”

What . . . exactly does that mean?

Are they meaning, do not take this medicine and let it mingle with that specific glass of wine you’re pouring into your mouth right now? Do not take this medicine in the same hour as the one in which you drank that glass of wine? Do not take this medicine anywhere near that open bottle of wine on your kitchen counter? Do not even think about taking this medicine in the same lifetime as the one in which you guzzled that sauv blanc?

I need clarity about this. Labels are so confusing. Why must they do this to the ill?

Kids eating cookies

Weekend plans?! Besides obviously hosting your own rosé tasting party? We’re headed to Branson (hahaha!) today to spend the weekend with my whole fam. Including my pooped-her-pants-in-public sis. Would you believe I’ve not seen her since CHRISTMAS? Nearly a whole entire year. We talk on the phone everysingleday, sometimes multiple times a day, so I doesn’t really feel like it’s been that long. I wonder if she’ll even recognize me after my BBL and Botox. (which, bee tee dubs, I go back next week for a second BBL round, so you can bet yer bottom dollah I’ll keep you updated on that.) Branson, ahhahah!

Also, this mix, you guys. Get it in your ear holes, already.

You want to talk more about baby Jessica in the well, don’t you?





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12 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. ginger m. October 14, 2016 at 7:42 am #
    You are simply the funniest person in the world, mostly because I'm funny like you...meaning stream of consciousness funny. I always say I'm the funniest person I know because I crack my own self up. I can't ever say you're the funniest person I know because...duh... I don't know you. Also, pooped her pants!!! AHAHAHAHAHAH! It don't get no funnier than that!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. ginger m. October 14, 2016 at 7:45 am #
    P.S. Also, I am right there with you on the APP thing. We live near the ocean in a small town and we hear and see sirens and flashing lights more than you'd think...especially in the summer and I'm always a'wondering...omg, is it someone I know, is it my house, is it my friends house? I would def buy your app....sign me up!!!
  3. Lynn October 14, 2016 at 9:29 am #
    Def need that app. When my husband goes out jogging in the dark and I hear sirens my brain goes to 'worst possible scenario' immediately. Also, can the app have a "Fireworks? Or gunshot?" component? Bc that's what's going on in my neighborhood. Right now everyone uses that obnoxious Nextdoor neighborhood site but an app would be way easier and then I wouldn't have to interact with my neighbors.
  4. Jennifer C. October 14, 2016 at 10:02 am #
    The way I interpret “do not take with alcohol” is: “don’t swallow the pill with alcohol as the liquid to help get it down your gullet”…but you can drink that wine immediately after for an enhanced buzz effect.
  5. Ariana October 14, 2016 at 11:34 am #
    YES that is an app I need! My dad used to work for EMS so anytime there was something going on, he could just call in and find out for us. Now he's retired and I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! And we live near two fire stations, there's sirens all the time and I'm too nosy for my own good. Bonus points if its a siren you've never heard before (which happened last night). I also think the title "What Just Freaking Happened" would be magically perfect.
  6. Julie October 14, 2016 at 11:58 am #
    I don't see why that app couldn't be easily invented. Remember all those old guys listening to the police scanner day in & day out when we were kids? So the information is available to the public... why shouldn't we have an app for it? This is super timely for me 'cuz as I pulled out of work yest, the fire truck & ambulance came roarin' past lights ablaze & headed down a side street. I could see great big clouds of black smoke billowing in the sky in that direction, & you can bet I would've used that app to find out what the heck was goin' on. Genius! That pic of sleepin' Will is the cutest thing ever. Babies grabbing cookies is only slightly less cute. ;)
  7. Julie October 14, 2016 at 11:59 am #
    Oh, & have fun in Branson! You should bring your sister some baked goods. The only thing worse than crapping your pants in public (well, maybe not WORSE) is having your sister post about it on her public blog! :O
    • Bev October 14, 2016 at 12:15 pm #
      Haha! Believe me, I got her blessing to share it with you all. She's all good! ???
  8. Emie October 14, 2016 at 1:44 pm #
    I don't think I'd ever admit to doing it in my pants ;) Not doing "it" but it. You know. Props to your sister! Check this for your app ... might fit the bill
  9. Elaine Mc October 14, 2016 at 6:29 pm #
    There is a similar app already invented called NextDoor...sorry! Sign up with your zip code and you can see just your immediate neighborhood or expand it as far as you want. Sure a lot of people are trying to track down missing pets but it's great for sirens or power outages or how long it takes to get Google Fiber installed. You can also sell or give away stuff and feel safe since you're dealing with a neighbor. I got a free day bed with trundle from someone two blocks away. Love it!
  10. Emily October 14, 2016 at 9:54 pm #
    In California, you can look at the police blotter and read what what has happened in the neighborhood (example: Family disturbance at 16 Meadow Lane), but I'm not sure if Kansas has one or not. But I love the idea of that can name it: 'Snooper' Also, "do not take with alcohol" means do not consume any alcohol with this medicine (nursing student here!) ;) As always Bev, you're too funny!
  11. Caitlin October 16, 2016 at 10:44 pm #
    My city has an automated website that will tell you where there are police, fire or medical incidents, but it's usually just wrecks, stalled vehicles or fires...not the real juicy stuff. But we do have an app version of it that I'm addicted to always checking. I am so glad to know I'm not the only one hooked on wanting to know all the things! I just wish it DID say why the cops are at the house down the street...

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