Friday Flotsam

f f f f f                                                    RID                                                              a y .

Friday Flotsam / Bev Cooks

I have good news! I’m not such a sissy anymore. It’s true, you guys. Motherhood has crept into my soul cavity and flipped off the sissy switch, turning it to bada$$. (I put the dollar signs so that my mom doesn’t think I’m cursing.)

Pre-motherhood, there would be ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HAIL I would ever stick my hand down in a garbage disposal to retrieve the goop. No way. You couldn’t pay me enough. There are alligators, leeches and dead bodies down there.

Now? Now that I’ve had Will and Natalie, I can stick half my torso down in there to find out what’s causing the racket, and it ain’t no thang. I can pull out meat fat and not even flinch. Lemon rinds and not even wince. Ginger root nubs and not even cringe.

I say all this, as five minutes later a tiny black rubber band wiggled in our junk drawer and sent me into ballistics.

Friday Flotsam / Bev Cooks

Omg speaking of. Okay, so in true Aaron fashion, he pulls up to the house earlier this week with a “surprise” for me in his car. We all know about his love affair with drift wood from river banks, but I think it’s starting to spiral out of control. Home dude has managed to bring home AN ENTIRE TREE LOG. Like, Fox and the Hound-style. HUGE. ENORMOUS. OUTRAGEOUS. And I’m obsessed with it.

So he arranges it on our back patio, kind of nestled up to our bedroom window wall. Later that night as we’re getting ready for bed, we notice like, 10-20 LARGE black ants crawling the walls and floors of our room. I mean like, colossal. These things made Jurassic World look like an adorable play date. Of course I basically freak my ish. Where are they coming from!? Why all of a sudden!? What did I do to deserve this!? Why does that one have fangs!?


So Aaron goes outside and sprays (organic, simmer down) bug spray all along the windows and base of the wall. Once all the ants were sweetly and tenderly removed from our room (read: bawling and squishing), we settle into bed. Hello, there’s no way I can sleep in this room. What if more ants come for me in the night? What if they attack my face like frickin’ Gulliver’s Travels?

After a bit of obvious tossing and turning, I actually start to drift off. UNTIL, I notice the HUGEST BROWN RECLUSE on my nightstand. Like, not even two feet away OMG, I bolted out of bed so freaking fast, screaming at Aaron from the other side of the room in less than a second.


He turns on the light, visibly pissed at my totally necessary hysterics. “There are no spiders, Bev. Seriously, you need medication for this.”

Oh. I guess I was dreaming. Oops?

Friday Flotsam / Bev Cooks

Can we just look at this for a moment? This is a real life cookbook for little children, that was actually mine as a child, that my mom gave to me last week during our visit. Um, I’m sorry, but it’s terrifying. Who would want to make burger faces like that? No one. No one is going to make creepy burger faces. Not you. Not me. Not any child. And don’t try to fan out little pickles on either side of the plate, BETTY. I’m not buying it. And the whole book is filled with even more creepy recipes with faces. Dog heads made out of pears and cherries. No. Baby alligators made out of puff pastry. No. Ghost cake with flaming eggshell eyes. No. No. No.

I can’t wait to cook from this book.

Friday Flotsam / Bev Cooks

Okay, what is Snapchat? Is this something I need in my life? I’m seeing more and more people mention it here and there, and I’m like, really? Another thing? Is it like, ephemeral messages? Here and then gone? What’s the exact purpose of it? Do you like it? Should I like it? Should I keep asking questions about it?

Friday Flotsam / Bev Cooks

Weekend plans? It’s Father’s Day! Almost. We’re gonna kick it around here mostly. I’m making beer brats for dinner tonight, taking a trip to the nursery tomorrow for more enormous indoor plants (because apparently I need more), a trip to the splash park with the babies, starting “Luckiest Girl Alive” for book club (have you read it!?), a bunch of rosé sippin’ (I’ll get more into that in a few weeks), and just all around chilling. Except it’s going to be 25,634 degrees outside. So more like all around burning to ash.

Okay so really, is there medication I can take for my bug fears? See, I asked. Happy Father’s Day, AARON.

, ,

15 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Heather June 19, 2015 at 8:42 am #
    I love that you have actual plans for each weekend. Need to get me some of those. . .
  2. Nutmeg Nanny June 19, 2015 at 9:11 am #
    It's a poisonous spider. I would have grabbed my babies and burned the house down. Ain't nobody got time for that.
  3. kelly @ livelovepasta June 19, 2015 at 9:48 am #
    I'd be interested to see what you think of Luckiest Girl Alive. I was excited to read but was hugely disappointed.
  4. Liz A June 19, 2015 at 11:29 am #
    Can you tell me more about the log? My husband came home with two giant tree stumps last night, saying "These would be so cool in the back yard!" What should we do with them????
    • Bev Weidner June 19, 2015 at 12:26 pm #
      Oh, totally! If they're level, you could totally use them as end tables next to your sofa. We have one! (I've posted it in IG a few times). Orrrr they'd be cool plant holders on our back patio or deck. Or a drink stand, depending on the size. Show me a pic!
  5. Anonymous June 19, 2015 at 12:20 pm #
    I too freak my freak at the sight of a spider. We seriously need melds!
  6. Anonymous June 19, 2015 at 12:21 pm #
  7. Emily June 19, 2015 at 12:24 pm #
    Get snapchat! I've been loving seeing little snippets of what all my favorite bloggers are doing on there, plus you are the funniest so it would be grrrreat
  8. Amanda June 19, 2015 at 1:23 pm #
    That cookbook is both frightening and interesting. I want to see more photos from it. Snapchat is... different. You take a photo or video and it disappears after the person views it for a few second. It can be entertaining. My friends are lucky enough they get to see me post snapchat videos of myself having car karaoke sessions with New Kids on the Block during my work commute. So pretty much it's a way you can make a fool of yourself and nobody can ever look at it again.
  9. Heather June 19, 2015 at 2:16 pm #
    Laughing my arse off (I have a mom too) Snapchat is the bomb, if you join please follow my boring, I mean exciting, suburban life! The "my story" on the s-chat is fun, short videos you can make of reg life each day. I'm hmaddux. Enjoy the weekend and thanks for your blog it's a bright spot ☀️
  10. Melinda June 19, 2015 at 2:31 pm #
    Ummmmm.... this EXACT thing happened to me last week, also following a weird bug experience. Except I jumped/ran and crouched at the end of our bed like the creepiest sleepwalker ever, continuing to scream bloody murder. And my "spiders" were dangling from the ceiling and were the size of ceiling fans.
  11. Lisa June 19, 2015 at 5:50 pm #
    I totally had that cookbook as a kid. AND I made the dog's head from pears and cherries for a 4-H cooking demonstration and got a big honking ribbon. I'm so excited for you and your kids. You will have so much fun making creepy burger faces and- I believe but I may be wrong- eggs in baloney cups.
    • Bev Weidner June 20, 2015 at 8:22 am #
      YES! Those weird eggs baked in bologna. EW. Ew ew ew. Can't believe you had the book, too!
  12. Heather June 25, 2015 at 1:48 pm #
    Ok well, I'm obviously late to the Flotsom party...but the ants and spiders story...*shudder* Those brown recluse (we call them hobos up here in the PNW) are nasty things! They're poisoness and aggressive and really shouldn't exist. And having (imaginarily) pop up near your face would be completely terrifying! Anyway, I hope you all had a great Father's Day!

Leave a Reply