I used to powder my armpits.
Like when I was in elementary school and junior high. Maybe even part of high school. I would powder my armpits. Like, before putting on deodorant. I powdered. With a giant white puff and a small cream plastic tub with a dainty light pink floral design around it. I powdered. And I remember there was a tiny round silk cloth between the powder and the puff. And you moved the cloth over to dip the puff into the powder. Then onto your pits. This is what I did.
I can’t remember when or why I stopped powdering my armpits. Was it my sophomore year in high school? Would would I stop then? Why am I not powdering anymore? Mom always said, “It helps the deodorant stay in place!” Did it, though? I don’t think so. And I certainly didn’t look like Grace Kelly seated in front of a giant, gold round vanity, all elegant and poised with my puffing. I definitely looked more like a DUST STORM IN ARIZONA.
And you know what, I don’t think it was any special armpit powder. I think it was regular baby powder. Was it regular baby powder? MOM?
When did women stop powderin’ their pits??
Did you powder your pits?
I want to powder my pits.
I polled this on my Instergram Stories the other day, but it’s a pressing issue that I have no choice but to carry it over to a more permanent platform. It’s something that weighs heavily on my heart, and we’d be doing a misjustice to our souls if we don’t address this formally.
ARE YOU A LEO AND CLAIRE GIRL?
OR A LEO AND KATE?
You know I need this information to thrive.
The other day I was in the grocery store, and that old Martina McBride song from 2003 was on the loud speaker, “This One’s For the Girls.” It’s been yeaaars since I’ve heard that song. Matter of fact, the last time I heard it, I was the girl in the second verse, the “girl about twenty-five”. But this time, you guys. I was the girl in the THIRD VERSE. The “girl about forty-two.” And boy did my ears perk up. She’s singing about me! How fun! How did this verse go again?
“This is for all you girls about forty-two
Tossing pennies into the Fountain of Youth”
Giiiiiiiiirl I hear that.
“Every laugh, laugh line on your face”—
I’M SORRY WHAT. Are you saying I have laugh lines on my face, MARTINA? Where are they exactly? Just point to them. Oh super, why have I never thought about my laugh lines? Wrinkly forehead, saggy eyes, crepey neck, drooping jowls, sure sure. BUT NOW YOU GOTTA POINT OUT MY LAUGH LINES ARE YOU &$%^ING KIDDING ME?
“Made you who you are today.”
I’m about to make a fist line in your face, MARTINA.
Anything else you want to point out? Want to make a verse about cankles? You already came this far, why go back?
This one’s for the girl who needs to SHUT UP.
Still haven’t figured out my sewing machine.
I’m shooting a lobster linguine for you today! (see how I can flip a switch to glee town? It’s a trait.) It’s going to be like, 57 degrees today and tomorrow, so I might try to be outside for more than half a second.
Also, I need to start a new show! Done with Maisel (SO WONDERFUL). Caught up on This Is Us (omggggggg). Done with everything. Tell me what to watch next! It better not have Martina McBride in it.
What are you having for dinner?