Friday Flotsam

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFlotsam! I mean Friday. I got confused.

Okay, what is a weighted blanket?

BESIDES the fact that it’s a blanket that’s weighted. Der. But like, what does she do? Ever since December 26th I’ve been seeing them blanketing (haha) social media, and a lot of you told me you got one for Christmas. THEN because I did a quick peepsie search, now they’re all over my ads.

And the ads are not cute, guys.

Guys.

But like, what ARE they? Is the purpose to be heavy on you? Be hot on you? Keep you still in the night?

“In the stiiiiill of the niiiiight, I am trapped heeeeeere, covered so tiiiiiight.”

I want one.

It’s filled with what, glass beads? Plastic beads? Ancient gold jewels from yesterlore?

Thing is, I’m not anxious in the night. I’m throwing out the word anxious because when I did that mini search, the word anxiety was associated with it. And I’m not sure why. This is why I’m asking you. WHAT DOES THIS THING DOOOOOO???

Do you have one? Do they come in white? Is it life changing? Do the beads hurt?

Can I name her Martha?

You guys, listen to this.

So a long time ago Nat and I were on Amazon (biggest life extracurricular activity besides my treadmill) and we were ordering some little winter sweaters for her. She found this cute pale pink number, one that I actually didn’t want to stab, so I ordered it.

Right?

Right.

And then the tracking began.

AND OKAY, it was from China. As many of those random Amazon purchases are. But it was like, $12 and she’s an almost-five year old. So that’s what happens in life and I’m fine with it.

I track it. And I track it. (third largest life extracurricular activity besides the ordering and the treadmill) And it never updates.

AND THEN. I get this email from the sellers saying, “Soooo sorry, but that cute pale pink sweater that you ordered for Nat didn’t make it through customs, so we’re refunding you. K bye.” They said it just like that.

It didn’t make it through customs? GUYS WHAT WAS ON THAT SWEATER?

Customs said no?? IT IS LITERALLY PINK THREAD AND TWO BUTTONS.

Do you think there were drugs stuck up the sleeves??? Or some weird fruit sticking out the neck hole? Listen I’ve watched those shows, I know how this ish goes!

All I’m saying, is that we missed out on something major with that sweater. I will forever wonder what life opportunity passed us by with that sweater. Like a charging SWAT team of hot dudes blasting through our windows.

Just sayin’.

Would you believe these human gremlins will be FIVE this Sunday? FIVE. YEARS. OLD.

#jowls

Remember how I was totally stressing out about throwing them a party, and then all of you sweetly convinced me that NOT throwing a party is completely and 100% okay? Well we’re totally not having a party! HOOHOOHOHAHAHAHAHA!

However.

It IS a three-day celebration, since it lands on a Sunday. Because of course they’ll celebrate today in their little classroom with all their little sticky friends with their little party hats and their little cupcakes and their little sticky fingers.

And then of course if you really want to do anything celebratory out and about, you go on Saturday to ensure the places are open.

But theeeen you can’t have an empty day on the ACTUAL BIRTHDAY, so we’ll open presents and bake a chocolate cake on Sunday.

I already need a nap.

But check this out! I came up with the PERFECT little low-key party idea for them on Sunday. I can’t wait for this, they’re going to LOVE IT.

We’re going to have . . . a sardine tasting party!

Yeah yeah! I bought three tins of sardines, all ranging from $.88 to $5.99, and we’re going to open all three tins, arrange them out on a big platter with Triscuits and hot grainy mustard, and we’re going to see if we can taste the difference between them all. Because really, is there a huge difference between the shriveled cheapies and the smoked brislings from Norway? WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT.

…………………………Just kidding.

Oh my gawd, I would have given ANYTHING to see your faces just now as you were reading this.

“Ohhhh can’t wait to read what she’s got pla-! . . . wait, what?“

ANYTHING. I WOULD PAY ACTUAL MONEY DOLLARS TO SEE YOUR FACES RIGHT NOW.

And just think! Nat could have worn her rotting banana/cocaine sweater!

(I actually do have those three tins of sardines and very darn well plan to taste them all with Aaron super soon on Sunday on their birthday. The end.)

POLLLLLLL:

When you unload the dishwasher, what camp are you in? The camp that starts with the top rack? Or the camp that starts with the bottom rack?

You can tell a lot about a person in the way they unload a dishwasher.

(I start with the bottom. Aaron starts with the top. Should we seek counseling?)

Weekend plans?

Besides hosting your own SARDINE TASTING PARTY HELLO SEE WHAT I STARTED?

Like I blabbed about earlier, we’ve got their little sticky party at school this morning. And then tomorrow we’ll go have our traditional birthday pie for breakfast, and then spend an afternoon at Science City downtown, looking at dinosaurs and other science. And then cake, the traditional giant white balloon, and new “big kid” bikes on Sunday! The end.

I’m going to start saying “cocaine sweater” all the time.