Friday Flotsam

friDAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAA.

Do your teeth ever hurt?

Not like, “ow that hurts,” which is I realize is the way most people would describe pain. Maybe it’s more like, do your teeth ever feel chalky and weak with a twist of dry sticky?

Let me try this again – you know when you scratch your nails down a chalkboard, that feeling you get in your brain and spine and TEETH? It affects your teeth. It pisses off your teeth. Makes them feel like nasty little sticks of sandpapery chalk. I get that same sensation when I touch certain woods and metals. Like, I can’t taste a soup or a sauce with a wooden spoon because it will gross out my mouth, give me the chills and I’ll barf. I always have to switch to a regular spoon to taste.

And yesterday, I was picking up the back patio so that Aaron could start putting his sanded side tables out there in prep for his show this weekend (more to come on this), and I picked up the charcoal grill basket holder thingy to move it, and I almost passed out. My teeth FREAKED. Mouth immediately got super dry, felt like my face was shriveling up like an old haggard raisin.

What the heck, man? Am I half alien? Are my teeth receiving signals from the OTHER MARTIANS JUST LIKE ME? Oh my gawd I knew I felt off yesterday.

Does this happen to you? Look at your fingernails – TELL ME IF THEY’RE GREEN.

Can I ask you something?

Er, something else?

Okay, I’ve been seeing this name everywhere lately. People are quoting her on Instagraaaaam, and seem to be so inspiiiiiired by her, snapping her taaaaaalking, want to be just liiiiike her, yadda yadda. And I don’t know who she is!

Who is Brené Brown?

Of course I googled her, but I don’t see anything super recent that’s all of a sudden rocking everyone’s face off with inspiration and hashtag life goals. What’s the deal? Is she just a major, fresh role model? Like Roseanne Barr?

I want to bring something up, but I’m a little bit nervous.

It’s a touchy subject for most, but I feel like we should just be able to talk openly about it and not judge one another or be too hard on ourselves. Lots of people tread lightly with this sort of topic, and it can most certainly be a relationship deal breaker. But it’s been burdening me lately, so I really need to get it off my chest.

Where should I shop for bathing suits?

It is THEE WORST THING IN LIFE. Especially with post-apocalyptic hurricane chainsawed belly aftermath destruction.

I have two beachy vacays this summer, one for work and one for play, that both require me to be in a bathing suit and I cannot even rightly deal.

Thing is, I’ve had this cute one-piece number from Old Navy for years, and it totally works. It’s black, a vintage cut, holds everything in. But I’ve had it . . . forEEEEVVVVUUUURRRR (sandlot style). I really want something new! But I’m terrified.

Do you have any favorite swimwear companies that:

a) aren’t 29572342363 dollars

b) aren’t slutty mcgee

and c) don’t look like a rainbow just hurled

I prefer one pieces, but I’m willing to try two pieces if the bottoms are so high-waisted I’m flossing my teeth with the upper hem. I know you have places. GUIDE ME TO THE LIGHT. Or the sun, whatever.

Oh crap! Speaking of tans, I was supposed to get a spray tan today, and I totally forgot. Eh, I’ll get one next week before we go to Arkansas for Aaron’s second craft show. I’m getting air-brushed, right?

You know how everyone totally wanted to learn the “Single Ladies” dance back in the day? You know you stood in front of your TV for hours, watching that video and practicing the moves. And you never got it right, did you? I didn’t either. (Laura and Sarah, do you remember that night we drank a bunch of wine and tried to learn the moves in your living room and on both couches? Even the husbands! Bahahahahah! <I bet they don’t even read this>)

You know what I reaaaaally wish I could learn? The We Got Annie dance. It is absolute perfection, you guys.

You know, when Daddy Warbucks decides he loves little Annie and wants to adopt her, and the lovely Grace Farrell appears in her MAGICAL PERFECT FLOWY yellow dress and twirls around with the cute gardener and they dance like two fit angels of beauty. I need to learn this dance! I tried the other day in my living room. Looked like a broken bobby pin on a mechanical bull. I’ll get there.

Weekend plans? It’s finally Aaron’s Indie Craft Shoooooow! Pleasepleaseplease, if you’re local, come on by! It’s on Stateline, sort of close to Target – you know that huge field where they have all those Civil War reenactments? That’s the place! I’ll be snapping from the booth off and on all day, and the grems will be there in the afternoon. I’ll snap all those deets in case you want to specifically see them. I know how you people are.

Aaron has some seriously beautiful stuff (incense burners, coasters, bowls, end tables, stools, etc), and I basically want to keep it all but he said no.

It’s both Saturday and Sunday, so you have no excuse.

Just kidding! I’m not bossy.

But you better be there.

Okay bye.

Forever.