Friday Flotsam

FFFFFfffffRRRRRrrrrrIIIIIiiiiiDDDDDdddddAAAAAaaaaaYYYYYyyyyy.

You would not BELIEVE the week Natalie has had. I’m telling you guys. Well, I’m about to tell you right now. Poor little noodle bug.

So two days ago, Wednesday, we set out for a morning walk to the grocery store/hardware store, got back, la dee da, and relocated out back to play in the yard, yadda yadda yadda. Well like, ten minutes into playing Nat runs up to the porch SCREAMING in hysterics. Rubbing her eyes, freaking her ever lovin’ life, lying down on the ground kicking her legs all insano-like. So I take her in and try to wash her face. Within thirty seconds her face TOTALLY SWELLS up like John Travolta. (right?) Eye lids swollen, lips ballooned out, heavy eye blinks, the works. I fa-reak my ish. Call Aaron. Call the doctor. Call the liquor store (I’m kidding). Finally was able to speak to a nurse, and she recommended gremlin Benadryl, a good tepid bath, and a long nap. And you know what, it worked! The Benadryl took down the swelling pretty much immediately. And the long nap allowed me to cry for three hours straight.

What was it, you ask? Well, about an hour later Aaron discovered a gnarly, bitten, rogue habanero pepper way out in the yard. Y’all. For real.

THEN, yesterday she gets stung by a bee. Right on her finger. I pulled out the stinger and everything. And I’m freaking terrified of that kind of thing. It’s weird how your mama bear instincts come out in a time of fight or flight. Because usually I’m all FLIGHT !! FLIGHT !! HAIL NO FLIGHT !!

Well so yesterday afternoon I was telling my mom all of this, and I said, “You know they come in threes, so we’re not out of the woods just yet,” as I slowly looked around the room at the looming danger obviously about to pour upon us.

And wouldn’t you know it, about thirty minutes before dinner she’s in yet another fit. (I’m trying to go fast because I don’t want you to begin hand crafting a noose or something.) Of course we have no idea what this fit is about. Hunger? A yard tumble? Did Will breathe too close to her? Her face is beet red, her left hand tightly clinched (??), and she’s sticking her tongue out (???). Uhhhh what is that.

We tried feeding her and she sawed our heads off. Tried giving her milk and she electrocuted us. Tried soothing her with a book and she threw us in a lake with cinder blocks tied to us. AND I HAD ON MY GOOD TANK TOP.

Anyway, we’ll never know what it was, because she eventually simmered down. Unclinched her fist, retrieved her tongue and stored it away for later use.

TODDLERS, you guys. #winefordays

Which brings me to my newest article on What to Expect – the Five Totally Real and Not Made Up At All Types of Toddler Tantrums. If you’ve not yet read this one, saddle up, pigeon. (and bring a flask)

And if you don’t feel like being punched in the face, I’ve got another Food Network article that might be more your speed – Gnocchi with Tomato Garlic Sauce, Two Ways! There’s an interesting lil’ tip in there, too from my Italian gal pal, Jordana. You’ll be like whaaaaaat.

Okay. This is getting out of hand. I finally get used to Snapchat and all of a sudden all I hear (on and off) snapchat is Periscope, Periscope, Periscope. Ugh, WHAT IS PERISCOPE? Is this some sort of video inception land? You make a video here, you make it there, and it overlaps in some cyber milky way universe loop galaxy . . . thing?

You know what, I don’t even want to know what it is. I cannot deal with yet another thing. Forget I said a single word!

So for real, what is it?

Let’s play a game! And I’m just making this up as I go along so don’t hate me.

I’m going to give you five famous catch phrases from tee vee show history, and you tell me what they are. Doesn’t this sound like fun? Don’t answer that.

1. “Hi, I’m Larry. This is my brother Darryl. And this is my other brother Darryl.”
2. “Meanwhile, on the other side of town…”
3. “No soup for you!”
4. “Suit up!”
5. “You eeeeediot!

Okay I’m done. You can stop cursing me now.

Weekend plans? We’re totally chillin’ on this end. Gonna get our fall on. (<–ew)

Oh! Before I let you go, you have GOT to go peep Aaron’s new stuff in his Etsy shop, Flotsamist. Wood stools, new wood coasters, a gorgeous bowl, vintage canisters, cool old wooden storage boxes perfect for kid stuff. You’ll freak. Go check it out, yo!

Aaaand that’s all she wrote. (you’re like, FINALLY.)