Friday Flotsam


Deck and Rocking Chairs


Oak mites.

Also known as Satan’s ELVES. Have you heard of this obnoxiously itchy plague happening in the Midwest right now? Better yet, do you have bites all over your body and you have no idea what they’re from or how they got there, because they don’t exactly look like mosquito bites, or chigger bites, or bed bug bites, or brown recluse bites, or cobra bites, or alligator bites, or Moby Dick bites. Do you?


I can almost promise.

They’re these tiiiiiiny microscopic a-holes who flutter like pest feathers from the tall Oak trees, land on your life and invade your soul. I have tons of bites. Tons! All over. I’ve even had a few of you on Snapchat all, “WHAT’S THAT BITE ON YOUR NECK ARE YOU DYING?”

Pretty much.

Does anyone know when they’re supposed to be banished from society? Is it the first freeze? Or shall I take a machete to the air under all Oak trees? Can you imagine what a psycho I would look like just waving a machete around all willy nilly in the park? Ha hah  aha!


I’m super over it. Hear that, oak mites? I hate your face!

The end.

Coffee on wicker coffee table


(I love polls.)

When you’re in a bathroom – home, office, a friend’s house, whatever, and the hand soap is nearly empty, and it gives you those desperate last-squirt bubbly bottle coughs, DO YOU:

a) Add a little water from the tap to extend the soap’s life and go about your day filled with glee?

b) Immediately throw the bottle away because you cannot deal with those bubbly squirt coughs, and adding water would be like adding wiper fluid to a cocktail. Blasphemous.

c) Add soap to the grocery list, but forego on sudsing up, because you’re too lazy to add water and don’t give an ish.

d) Keep forgetting to add soap to the grocery list and curse every time you wash your hands with watered down soap.

e) Hunt down other soap bottles in the vicinity and pour just a tad of soap into the empty bottle, because watered down hand soap will cause bodily harm to those around you and you will no doubt end up in prison.

f) order a pizza.

Family strolls in Branson

I think we have an issue with Will’s butt. (^^ that is not even our stroller. he just decided he MUST sit in it, right then. and make the rest of us walk. rude.)

Also, poop talk is definitely ahead. You’ve been warned.

Dude like, barely goes. Once every two days-ish. And he’ll announce that he has to go, and won’t go on the potty, but whines about it constantly for b l o o d y h o u r s until he finally does. It’s super fun.

So I’m experimenting with it! We’ve switched him to almond milk to see if that helps. I tried giving him prunes (because he loves figs, so I figured he’d dig prunes, right? WRAWNG.), but he’s a super dramatic child (no clue where he gets it), and storms out foaming at mouth anytime I show him the shriveled up dead mushy cockroach.

So, if any moms out there have some good James Bond tricks up your sleeve on how to secretly slip more fiber into his gut, holla. Not sure if he’s lactose intolerant, terrified of going poo, or simply half lizard. Can I buy a bowel? H A HAHAH A HA HA.


You x’d out already, didn’t you?

Red Oak Lodge in Branson, MO

Have you seen this yet?

Remember when I was snapping about a top-secret photo shoot? It was with Zara! Two chic European women flew over from Spain and spent a few days shooting and playing with the kids here at the house. It was nothing short of incredible. The kids did great. The weather was perfection. The rosé flowed like river streams into our faces. It’s the European way, you guys.

They’d never seen a squirrel before. And they thought chip(ck)munks were made up! Like Alvin, Simon and Theodore. Total cartoon fiction. So when I showed them the chip(ck)munk on our front porch it was like they saw the Loch Ness Monster. Heee-larious.

A LOT of you have been emailing, Facebooking, sending direct messages and texting me, doing double takes. So yes! That’s them.

And now I want a rosé river stream.

The woods in Branson, MO

Weekend plans?

I spent a better portion of my afternoon yesterday (after my Botox and BBL – which is documented on Snap and Stories! NEEDLE IN MY FACE.) picking up Halloweidner costume supplies. Cayn’t waaaaaaayte to show you guys what the grems are going to be. (not gremlins, fyi) (and not peppa pig, hail no.) So I’m going to get out my sewing kit, the hot glue gun and the machete (only for oak mite obliteration) and tackle the costume project. I’m nervous.

I wish that Halloween wasn’t on a Monday. How silly is that? It’s like, when do they trick-or-treat? How does this work? Do they wear the costumes all weekend long? Fine, they’ll wear the costumes all weekend long.

You x’d out already, didn’t you?








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28 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Dana October 21, 2016 at 8:07 am #
    The Zara shoot is amazing! Your babies are so adorable and they make the outfits look even cuter than they already are. My favorite is Natalie in the tannish cord overall with the white tee under. So simple and classic and the color is perfect on her. Congratulations!
  2. nicole b. October 21, 2016 at 9:25 am #
    BARB!!! Love my sisters. Congrats on the ZARA PHOTO SHOOT. S'cool. NBD. XO.
  3. Shaina O. October 21, 2016 at 9:53 am #
    D. I'm definitely in camp D. For Will: pears and pear sauce. Ditch the applesauce and apples (I know it's that time of year) and switch to pears. You can also add some pear juice to his diet, but I don't know where you stand on juice. The shoot is adorable.
  4. Liz October 21, 2016 at 10:49 am #
    The Zara photos are beautiful, yayyy! And now I am shopping.....
  5. Bryn Broussard October 21, 2016 at 11:00 am #
    This sounds does. I know it. But! I had to get prunes and dates into my daughter for similar issues and she absolutely refused. Then I cut them into itty bitty pieces and gave her a toothpick to eat them and holy moly she loved them. It wasn't so much the taste...bc she loves raisins and digs, I think it was the size and it was just too overwhelming and sticky. We have figured out what the issue was and now don't need to give the prunes and dates to her, but she still asks for them.
  6. Shannon October 21, 2016 at 11:07 am #
    Check with your doctor of course but I suggest a tablespoon a miralax daily. It's safe, non addictive and what we suggest at my office (nurse). It just draws more water into the intestines (so push fluids), but don't worry it is NOT a laxative in the laxative sense. Some kids just have lazy bowels and increasing fiber will cause even more constiption. Hope he gets some relief!
    • Em October 22, 2016 at 8:05 am #
      I second this! Kiddo is 6 and still takes half a dose once or twice a week. He's understands his body well enough that he just lets me know when he needs it.
  7. Denise October 21, 2016 at 11:59 am #
    Not a potty expert but when I was a nanny, Max would NEVER go poo and it was a major ordeal when he did. It was terrible - we tried everything. Finally the doctor said he must have some muscle issues so they were going to test him - he was probably three'ish. When his parents told him this he suddenly went poo on his own. But, he would only do it at home. The poor kid would hold it FOREVER until he got home - thank god he outgrew that. Can you imagine a 15 year holding it all day!
  8. Denise October 21, 2016 at 12:00 pm #
    ps... I think it was a poo phobia! Nothing medical ever came up!
  9. Carly October 21, 2016 at 1:04 pm #
    Congrats on the Zara shoot! The photos are beautiful and your kids couldn't be more adorable!
  10. Nicole October 21, 2016 at 2:13 pm #
    Probiotics. My whole family is regular because of them.
  11. Andrea October 21, 2016 at 2:57 pm #
    Miralax!!! Both mine had to use it for awhile as toddlers, no big deal. You can mix it in anything and it has no taste, applesauce, milk, mac and cheese, etc. The Zara shoot is the cutest thing I've ever seen, so adorable.
  12. Jacquelyn October 21, 2016 at 3:37 pm #
    Your kids are already stinkin adorable and then they end up in a ZARA photoshoot? How flipping cool. I'm 29 and your kids are already cooler than me. I'm a new reader/Snapchat subscriber and think you're hilarious!
  13. Daniela October 22, 2016 at 8:45 am #
    And there they are..your babies in my mailbox! I feel like I'm on a secret list since I already saw the editorial lol. Aaand we already have a piece from the collection in our closet! Lovely project, Bev!
  14. Annie October 22, 2016 at 7:41 pm #
    Gwenyth paltrow's millet and fig muffins are like poop makers! I made them for my daughter this week and, no joke, she pooped like 4 times in one day ?. It's from her 'it's all good' cookbook but also found the recipe online here... I used spelt flour instead of gluten free bc it seems to have a laxative effect on my child ??.
  15. Tammy October 23, 2016 at 4:23 am #
    Prune juice helped my daughter. She liked it with ice. The photo are amazing btw!!
    • Jelena October 23, 2016 at 1:32 pm #
      For Will: The probiotics someone mentioned are great - I also give my daughter a pear and prune or apricot puree every evening so she is regular, and if it doesn't help, kiwi is amaaazing - poop factory amazing!
  16. erin marie October 23, 2016 at 9:44 pm #
    When I saw the Zara ad, I gasped and squealed for you. I alarmed those around me, but I DINNIT care! Your tots are ADORABLE. I esp loved the one when Natalie is flopped back with her feet in the air. On to the poo discussion: my kiddos were on Miralax FOREVERRRRR and couldn't go without it. I didn't want to have them so reliant on it. We started probiotics and they have a juice glass of cider most days and that does the trick. Good luck!
  17. Deja October 23, 2016 at 9:54 pm #
    As a last resort- and check with your pediatrician first- you can use a gentle laxative ( like miralax) to clear his bowels fro a few days and then occasionally as maintenece. Both n=my daughter and my nephew had issues that no diet changes, vitamens, probiatics etc. Sometimes its a combo of the original constipation, then fear of pain and poop holding, which can lead to accidents.
  18. Gayle October 24, 2016 at 7:50 am #
    I saw you in a commercial yesterday. And those darlings were in it too. It was awesome!
  19. Amy October 24, 2016 at 9:34 am #
    As far as poop talk - Fiber Gummies. Super helpful in potty training! Good luck!
  20. Ari October 24, 2016 at 10:35 am #
    I am just chiming in to say I suffered the wrath of oak mites a couple of years ago and it is torture. Plus, no one has ever heard of them and they are invisible so you just end up sounding like a looney! You have my sympathy!
  21. Julie October 24, 2016 at 4:13 pm #
    The twins are models now! So cool! Just adorable.
  22. Maggie October 25, 2016 at 12:41 pm #
    If only I had read your blog prior to going to the doc freaking about the numerous bites all over my legs (and stomach ?). Oak mites ARE satans elves!!! I had come to terms with the idea until my mom called (after her scientific research via wikipedia) and instructed me to close my doors and windows during "oak mite showers". Time to create. Benadryl stock pile........
  23. Melissa October 26, 2016 at 1:40 pm #
    'Can I buy a bowel..' huge gufaw. Hats off to you
  24. Islay Duff October 29, 2016 at 8:38 pm #
    If he likes smoothies try chopping up prunes/figs and mixing them with a smoothie! It just makes it thicker and can be easily hidden - great combo with bananas, cinnamon and almond milk! Can you link the zara ad?! I'm not sure if its just not showing up on the canadian website!
    • Bev Weidner October 31, 2016 at 7:25 am #
      Ahhh, what a great idea! DUH, BEV. :) Here's the Zara editorial!

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