Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 4

28.4 weeks in, muthuuuuuz.

MAN is this a total trip. An uncomfortable, gassy, heifer heavy, ribcage rampage, urination station of a trip.

But first, could we talk about how J.C. Penny my expression is in this photo? I don’t usually look so wide-eyed, GOLLY-GOSH-IT’S-SUCH-A-SWELL-DAY, MATEY. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s the new me? THE TWIN MOM ME? Great.

-5

1) Birthing Class: So that was fun. A room with five couples in it, all staring at each other awkwardly with basically all of our bedding and pillows, all the while sharing that knowing look in our eyes, “we had seeeeeex.” Although in our case, we were like, “petri dishes are hooooot.”

We didn’t sit on the floor, thank God. We sat in regular uncomfortable classroom chairs, BUT a good 30 minutes of the time the ladies had our chairs flipped and we got to lean over the backs with our pillows while our men “practiced” what it’s like to massage us when we’re in pain. I liked that part. I try to get Aaron to practice at home every night and he’s like, “Check out this new forensics show on the Investigate Channel!”

I will say, the class was definitely helpful. We learned all kinds of breathing techniques, ways to manage pain through the contractions, ways to tell false labor from real labor, ANDDDD we also learned something very valuable thanks to yours truly. At the end of the contractions section thingy, the lady asked if we had any questions, and I did. Of course. I raised my hand, looked her straight in the eye and very seriously asked, “So, would twerking help ease the pain?” I let two entire seconds pass before a quick, “I’m just kidding,” but omg you guys. That poor lady. She nervously giggled and responded, “Sh….sure, slow dancing is just fine.” SLOW DANCING, HAHAHA. I’m positive the entire class thought I was a complete tool. Aaron had his face buried in my back.

Also, what is going ON with this next expression? What’s happening with my lips? Twins make my face do weird things, apparently. Oh! apPARENTly. Get it? Please don’t leave me.

-4

2) Braxton Hicks: First of all, did you watch The Mindy Project this week? Where the birthing class dude goes, “No, Braxton Hicks is not Toni Braxton and Taylor Hicks getting married. SOUL PATROL!” Did you see that? No? Okay. I laughed. It was kind of funny.

But I can tell you what it is. It’s when your stomach decides it’s bored and wants to tighten up and Hulk Hogan its face on you and tear up the surrounding villages for about 10 seconds. Then it gets bored doing that and goes back to being softer. They don’t hurt. Not yet. But they make me feel like Stone Stomach Woman for a few seconds. Too bad the only superhero powers are the following:

“Unnnnn-tighten my wommmmmmb. Say you’ll soften agaaaiiiinnn. Undo this clinching you caused when my uterus called and melt back to my siiiiides.”

Oh interesting. No face in this next photo. Good choice, Bev.

-3

3) Glucola Test:  TOTALLY nbd. (Mom, that’s “no big deal”) The orange stuff tasted just like that. Orange stuff. Not water, not soda, just liquidy, sweetish stuff. I gulped in down in like four minutes because I’m terrified of being late for anything. And it’s so timed! You have to drink it at whatever time and have your blood drawn exactly an hour later. OMG. What if I were to get pulled over? Or come upon a wreck and have to slow down? Or need to pause for a family of wild geese crossing a busy intersection? AH! The pressure.

I’m sure I passed it though. FA-LYING. COLORS. I followed the instructions VERY closely and ate half a box of turbinado sugar right before going in.

(I can actually feel you rolling your eyes.)

-2

4) What I Say Now, Like All The Time:

“Hey, will you take my boots off, please?”

“Would you mind helping me out of this chair?”

“Hey, while you’re up, will you refill my water and get me some more chocolate?”

“Would you untie my shoes, please?”

“No seriously, will you help me out of bed?”

“I’m gonna take my pants off. Deal with it.”

“OMG I can feel a body part right here!” Aaron, “Why do you have to be so Dextery about it? Body part? Really?”

“Would you go ahead and pee for me, too please?”

“HOLY gaw I can’t move. Will you help me off of this couch?”

“It’s like a slugfest in there.”

“Feel how hard my stomach is! I hope it doesn’t crack open.”

“OWWWWWW. OW OW OW. Dangit. Ow.”

“You have GOT to feel this. But don’t push on it! It could be a head.”

“I need a longer torso.”

“My colon feels like it’s twitching.”

“Ugh. Uuuuugh. Move over. I need my wedge pillow. I can’t move. Do you have my wedge pillow? I will bite you.”

“WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE?”

I’m such a bundle of frickin’ joy.

-1

All in all, it’s been pretty incredible. I can literally pull my shirt up over my belly and watch the freak show unfold. Limbs and parts and kicks and ripples galore. It feels completely wack. I almost said wiggidy wack but then I remembered it’s not 1994 and I’m only 67% tool.

My non-stress tests start Monday, where I’ll be hooked up to a machine for 30 minutes, twice a week for the remainder of my pregnancy. I don’t exactly know what to expect but NON-STRESS and BEV don’t exactly ring around the rosy, yaknowwhatI’msayin’. But I can take my Kindle and phone with me! So I’ll be sure and like your Instagrams while I’m hooked up Death Betty.

Okay, weeks 29 through 34. Please be gentle on me.

“UN-TIGHTEN MY WOOOOOOOOOOMB. SAY YOU’LL SOFTEN AGAAAAAIIIINNNN.”

Edition 1

Edition 2

Edition 3

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47 Responses to Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 4

  1. Liz @ The Lemon Bowl November 7, 2013 at 7:45 am #
    Love. Every. Word.
  2. Cookbook Queen November 7, 2013 at 8:17 am #
    Pregnancy is definitely not a picnic...I cannot IMAGINE having two in there. You look hoootttt, girl!!
  3. Sommer @ ASpicyPerspective November 7, 2013 at 8:42 am #
    Love your pregnancy posts, Bev! You've seriously got to be the cutest pregnant mommy ever!! :)
  4. Maureen November 7, 2013 at 8:49 am #
    It took me an embarrassingly long time to start wearing slip on shoes (danskos) that I don't have to tie (or have tied for me).
  5. Julie @ Table for Two November 7, 2013 at 8:59 am #
    adore your pregnancy posts..you're so so cute and i love that you asked to twerk LOL hahaha now i know what to ask in our future classes :P
  6. Meagan @ A Zesty Bite November 7, 2013 at 9:28 am #
    I can totally see you asking about twerking during labor. I asked one question and it was about drinking wine after labor.
  7. betty (the sweaty betty) November 7, 2013 at 9:33 am #
    ahhh I love these posts. and now i'll be singing Toni Braxton all day.
  8. Katriel November 7, 2013 at 9:47 am #
    You're the cutest ever.
  9. kelly @ livelovepasta.com November 7, 2013 at 9:53 am #
    Totally watched that Mindy Project episode this week. :)
  10. Meagan November 7, 2013 at 9:53 am #
    Love. It. I mean, at least you didn't ask her if it's OK to take a ride on a wrecking ball. You look adorbs and it's totally ok that twins make your face do weird things: they're not making you wear mom jeans so you're ahead of the game as far as I'm concerned. So sweet!
  11. Erin @ Dinners, Dishes and Desserts November 7, 2013 at 10:21 am #
    You are just so darn cute! I can't believe you are 29 weeks along with twins, I looked like a cow at that point with just 1.
  12. Kristina November 7, 2013 at 10:53 am #
    HOW are there two babies in there? You look so great! All that twerking must have given you a strong core :) The BH contractions are a bummer. I had them from about 16 weeks on, but I was told it was because I didn't drink enough water. My nurse also told me that your uterus doesn't like being pushed on and it will push back -- so a full bladder, babies kicking, babies taking up all your abdominal space, etc, can cause them as....aaand if you stress about them, you can think yourself into more, which I did on a daily basis.
  13. Tina | My Life as a Mrs November 7, 2013 at 10:54 am #
    love. you. and I say all the same things, with the addition of "Dang it - I just peed my pants... AGAIN!!!!" totally embarassing...
  14. Erin L November 7, 2013 at 11:02 am #
    Ahhhh! I just had my glucose test yesterday!! My sticky stuff was clear, not orange, & tasted like plum wine (ah, wine, I miss you). You look totally adorable & I super LOVE your shoes in the second picture. They remind me of long velvet dresses & knee socks with pleated skirts circa 1995-- In a good way!! Godspeed, Girl!
  15. johanna / maxandmoses.blogspot.com November 7, 2013 at 11:21 am #
    I love these posts. And now I have Toni Braxton singing in my head.
  16. Amy @Very Culinary November 7, 2013 at 11:24 am #
    28 weeks with twins and you're still tiny! Also? I say those things to Paul all the time. And since I'm not pregnant, I guess that kind of makes me sort of a bitch, huh? ;-)
  17. Mary @ The Kitchen Paper November 7, 2013 at 11:24 am #
    You are hilarious! I'm not sure this is your intention, but these posts make me want to get knocked up ASAP. Maybe it's just because you're such a freaking cute pregnant lady!! Can't wait for the next update!
  18. Rachel Cooks November 7, 2013 at 12:51 pm #
    LOVE these posts!
  19. Lauren @ Climbing Grier Mountain November 7, 2013 at 1:42 pm #
    Bev, you are the coolest prego chic! Love these posts!
  20. Jamily November 7, 2013 at 1:49 pm #
    This made me laugh. I'm right there with you, sister.. but 7 weeks behind. You give me hope. I still can't stop sleeping, though. Naps forever.
  21. Erin @ The Spiffy Cookie November 7, 2013 at 1:56 pm #
    Good luck with the remainder!
  22. Megan {Country Cleaver} November 7, 2013 at 2:12 pm #
    Pleasseee tell me watching the belly move is as mesmerizing to watch as a lava lamp. Because I'd sit and watch it for hours!! Okay that sounded creeepy. Sorry 'bout that. :)
    • Jamie November 11, 2013 at 1:47 pm #
      I totally thought it was! = )
  23. Shaina November 7, 2013 at 2:54 pm #
    My husband is giving me weird looks because i started singing that out loud to myself. I couldn't help it. Could not.
  24. claire @ the realistic nutritionist November 7, 2013 at 3:53 pm #
    I just want to talk about how much I love you. And birthing classes. Just...not a good angle for anyone. You look so freaking good!
  25. Jessica November 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm #
    you are HIGHlarious. i wish there was instagram, Facebook, (wait..i think i had myspace on my blackberry) during my twice weekly stress tests and boring bed rest. smartphones weren't as smart 5 years ago. my twins kicked a sandwich off my belly once! and yes, comparing it to the singleton I had first, twins in the belly is totally wiggidy whack and a freak show. limbs Errywhere! but oh-so worth it. Can't wait to hear more of your knocked up stories. taking me down memory lane!
  26. Tieghan November 8, 2013 at 12:03 am #
    Gahh!! I love these post!! You just plain make me smile! :)
  27. Kristi November 8, 2013 at 1:59 am #
    You are too funny with these posts. I love it. I'm glad you can bring some humor into your pregnancy. You look awesome for being preggo with twins :)
  28. Heather Christo November 8, 2013 at 8:14 am #
    I can not get over the fact that there are 2 babies in that tiny little tummy. You honest to god look completely over the top amazing Bev. Also- where did you get those boots? I want them.
    • Bev Weidner November 9, 2013 at 9:00 am #
      Thaaaank you! Would you believe the boots are cheapies from "Off Broadway" shoe store. I even looked under the boot to find the brand and it doesn't say! But they're comfy on my back. Xo.
      • stephanie November 16, 2013 at 8:05 pm #
        whoops! got ya now :) dang!
  29. Laura (Blogging Over Thyme) November 8, 2013 at 9:29 am #
    Why are you so funnny?!?! You crack me up with these.
  30. Kelly Senyei | Just a Taste November 8, 2013 at 1:43 pm #
    You are looking fab-u-lous, Bev! And you're still cracking me up :)
  31. Jennifurla November 8, 2013 at 4:03 pm #
    lol! you describe everything perfectly.
  32. Aggie November 9, 2013 at 8:00 am #
    You are so much fun. And gorgeous girl! xo
  33. Helen West November 10, 2013 at 7:07 am #
    LOVE this! Made me chuckle all the way through. If it makes you feel better, I regularly threaten to bite my husband when I don't get my own way, and I have no excuse. ;) You look amazing! I hope I look like this at 29 weeks preggers! :)
  34. Patricia November 10, 2013 at 9:16 pm #
    Oh my!! Hysterical :)
  35. Jamie November 11, 2013 at 1:46 pm #
    You really do look great! I so miss being pregnant (please don't hate me!) but I only had one in there. And since you asked about twerking - cause you're so totally cool - I'll add that in my class we were told that nipple stimulation can help induce labor when you get to the end. Not that that was at ALL embarrassing in a room full of men a women I didn't know... = )
  36. nicole @ I am a Honey Bee November 13, 2013 at 11:33 am #
    I'm 37 weeks now and my babe has been Frank Breech for ages so movement has been pretty limited since it's doing some human origami and can't move while being folded up in half. But when I'm hooked up for Non-Stress Test the baby 'moves' like crazy in attempts (what I assume) to get the sensors strapped to my stomach off. It's already a tight squeeze in there, it doesn't like the added weight/pressure of the sensors.
  37. stephanie November 16, 2013 at 8:05 pm #
    This is good stuff. REALLY good stuff, I enjoyed every word. But now I have to be that person and ask boots? I need them. I'm sorry
  38. Lisa [With Style & Grace] November 21, 2013 at 10:47 pm #
    i love you and SO FREAKING EXCITED!!
  39. Skye November 22, 2013 at 6:30 pm #
    I have never understood the term "non-stress test." I have never had another medical test that was called non-something. "Here are the results of your non-anemia test!" "Can you come back tomorrow for a non-ulcer test?"
  40. Kate November 23, 2013 at 10:50 am #
    Looking good, Bev! "Why do you have to be so Dexter-y about it?" made me giggle for a while.
  41. Gianna December 10, 2013 at 10:22 pm #
    You look great! When I was pregnant with my twins, it was simply amazing watching and feeling them move around in there.
  42. Jenna @ www.Sensationallyseasonal.com December 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm #
    Wow! Thank you so much for writing this. This was the funniest take on being preggo that I have read in awhile. Totally made my day! Best wishes to you and the twins.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. Roasted Red Pepper Pasta with Goat Cheese | the little kitchen - December 10, 2013 […] her if I ever get pregnant! And who calls herself knocked up when she’s pregnant and married? Bev, that’s who. I’m trying to see if she will let me move into her nursery. It’s the […]

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