28.4 weeks in, muthuuuuuz.
MAN is this a total trip. An uncomfortable, gassy, heifer heavy, ribcage rampage, urination station of a trip.
But first, could we talk about how J.C. Penny my expression is in this photo? I don’t usually look so wide-eyed, GOLLY-GOSH-IT’S-SUCH-A-SWELL-DAY, MATEY. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s the new me? THE TWIN MOM ME? Great.
1) Birthing Class: So that was fun. A room with five couples in it, all staring at each other awkwardly with basically all of our bedding and pillows, all the while sharing that knowing look in our eyes, “we had seeeeeex.” Although in our case, we were like, “petri dishes are hooooot.”
We didn’t sit on the floor, thank God. We sat in regular uncomfortable classroom chairs, BUT a good 30 minutes of the time the ladies had our chairs flipped and we got to lean over the backs with our pillows while our men “practiced” what it’s like to massage us when we’re in pain. I liked that part. I try to get Aaron to practice at home every night and he’s like, “Check out this new forensics show on the Investigate Channel!”
I will say, the class was definitely helpful. We learned all kinds of breathing techniques, ways to manage pain through the contractions, ways to tell false labor from real labor, ANDDDD we also learned something very valuable thanks to yours truly. At the end of the contractions section thingy, the lady asked if we had any questions, and I did. Of course. I raised my hand, looked her straight in the eye and very seriously asked, “So, would twerking help ease the pain?” I let two entire seconds pass before a quick, “I’m just kidding,” but omg you guys. That poor lady. She nervously giggled and responded, “Sh….sure, slow dancing is just fine.” SLOW DANCING, HAHAHA. I’m positive the entire class thought I was a complete tool. Aaron had his face buried in my back.
Also, what is going ON with this next expression? What’s happening with my lips? Twins make my face do weird things, apparently. Oh! apPARENTly. Get it? Please don’t leave me.
2) Braxton Hicks: First of all, did you watch The Mindy Project this week? Where the birthing class dude goes, “No, Braxton Hicks is not Toni Braxton and Taylor Hicks getting married. SOUL PATROL!” Did you see that? No? Okay. I laughed. It was kind of funny.
But I can tell you what it is. It’s when your stomach decides it’s bored and wants to tighten up and Hulk Hogan its face on you and tear up the surrounding villages for about 10 seconds. Then it gets bored doing that and goes back to being softer. They don’t hurt. Not yet. But they make me feel like Stone Stomach Woman for a few seconds. Too bad the only superhero powers are the following:
“Unnnnn-tighten my wommmmmmb. Say you’ll soften agaaaiiiinnn. Undo this clinching you caused when my uterus called and melt back to my siiiiides.”
Oh interesting. No face in this next photo. Good choice, Bev.
3) Glucola Test: TOTALLY nbd. (Mom, that’s “no big deal”) The orange stuff tasted just like that. Orange stuff. Not water, not soda, just liquidy, sweetish stuff. I gulped in down in like four minutes because I’m terrified of being late for anything. And it’s so timed! You have to drink it at whatever time and have your blood drawn exactly an hour later. OMG. What if I were to get pulled over? Or come upon a wreck and have to slow down? Or need to pause for a family of wild geese crossing a busy intersection? AH! The pressure.
I’m sure I passed it though. FA-LYING. COLORS. I followed the instructions VERY closely and ate half a box of turbinado sugar right before going in.
(I can actually feel you rolling your eyes.)
4) What I Say Now, Like All The Time:
“Hey, will you take my boots off, please?”
“Would you mind helping me out of this chair?”
“Hey, while you’re up, will you refill my water and get me some more chocolate?”
“Would you untie my shoes, please?”
“No seriously, will you help me out of bed?”
“I’m gonna take my pants off. Deal with it.”
“OMG I can feel a body part right here!” Aaron, “Why do you have to be so Dextery about it? Body part? Really?”
“Would you go ahead and pee for me, too please?”
“HOLY gaw I can’t move. Will you help me off of this couch?”
“It’s like a slugfest in there.”
“Feel how hard my stomach is! I hope it doesn’t crack open.”
“OWWWWWW. OW OW OW. Dangit. Ow.”
“You have GOT to feel this. But don’t push on it! It could be a head.”
“I need a longer torso.”
“My colon feels like it’s twitching.”
“Ugh. Uuuuugh. Move over. I need my wedge pillow. I can’t move. Do you have my wedge pillow? I will bite you.”
“WHERE IS MY CHOCOLATE?”
I’m such a bundle of frickin’ joy.
All in all, it’s been pretty incredible. I can literally pull my shirt up over my belly and watch the freak show unfold. Limbs and parts and kicks and ripples galore. It feels completely wack. I almost said wiggidy wack but then I remembered it’s not 1994 and I’m only 67% tool.
My non-stress tests start Monday, where I’ll be hooked up to a machine for 30 minutes, twice a week for the remainder of my pregnancy. I don’t exactly know what to expect but NON-STRESS and BEV don’t exactly ring around the rosy, yaknowwhatI’msayin’. But I can take my Kindle and phone with me! So I’ll be sure and like your Instagrams while I’m hooked up Death Betty.
Okay, weeks 29 through 34. Please be gentle on me.
“UN-TIGHTEN MY WOOOOOOOOOOMB. SAY YOU’LL SOFTEN AGAAAAAIIIINNNN.”