Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRR a h d a h!

Okay be honest, who here buys those trash bucket grocery store romance novels?

You know, the ones where the ladies are ALWAYS in some velvet Victorian dress draping dramatically off her shoulders revealing lacy cleavage as she leans into shirtless Fabio clones holding a spear or boat rope?

And why are they sold in grocery stores? Why the grocery store tie? Is it becomes moms mostly do the shopping and they’re cheap? The books, not the moms.

I remember being a kid and spotting them in SKAGGS in Hobbs and my mom was always like, “Don’t look at those.” But I looked. I had to. They were across from the greeting cards and I was always sneaking glances. Guys that is about as rebellious as I ever got. You’re welcome, MOM.

These books. Are they . . . any good? Bad good? Good bad? So bad they’re good then bad again? What’s the writing actually like? Do you have a secret stash in the back of your closet ready for when your kids go back to in-person school?

I think we might need to find out about these books.

You go first.

Will doesn’t say the word “tonight.” He says, “this night.”

“Mom, I’m going to write a book this night.”

“Can we have a Snuggle Family Movie Night this night?”

“What’s for dinner this night?”

I WILL MOURN THE DAY HE FIGURES IT OUT.

Also if he starts using the word “fortnight” I’m done.

Natalie is my feeler. She ties everything that happens or has happened to the feeling she has whilst having it.

“I remember the feeling of Christmas,” she said the other morning. “Like the feeling of putting the ornaments on the tree. I can feel it.”

“I know the feeling of riding a bicycle. The way my feet feel on the pedals and the wind on me. I can feel that.”

“I remember the feeling of Kindergarten. Like the classroom and the way Mrs. Krause looked at me. I feel her eyes. I feel them.” I go, “You mean like a ghost?,” and she left the room.

These are things I just felt like telling you this day.

Speaking of, do you have any weird superstitions?

I’m not even that superstitious, but holy faces I cannot say Bloody Mary three times in the night when I’m washing my hands after peeing. CANNOT WILL NOT DEW EET. She will come out of that mirror and murder me dead.

Do you have anything irrational from childhood that stuck in your adult life? Stepping on a crack, break your mama’s back? Walking under a ladder? Break a mirror and get 13 years bad luck? What’s the one about the black cat? How close can you get to one? I can’t remember. I’m viciously allergic so I avoid those hellish creatures anyway.

You guys I’ve NEVER EVEN SEEN A hold on I have to Google the spelling, hold on –

OUIJA BOARD in person. I’ve never seen one. I can’t look at it. I can barely talk about it. Do you have one? Do you have any stories tied to one? Don’t tell me. Tell me. Well now I clearly have to know.

Oh dear.

POLL:

And this one’s weird. But I’m dying to know:

Would you rather renovate your house, or get a jowl lift?

Go.

(mom I’m not getting a jowl lift, simmer down.)

Weekend plans?

NAWTA THANG here. Yard work, reading, organizing my brass picture frames, maybe thrifting brass mirrors for the living room, a walk to the Village for a cappuccino, early bedtimes, a couple of runs, some banana pumpkin pancakes (oh I’ll get you the recipe, pigeon), and outside patio lounging. So yeah like I said, nothin’!

From this week, in case you happened to miss it: Cardamom and Green Apple Puff Pastries! Breakfast this weekend, duh. And Linguine with Roasted Tomatoes and Asparagus! Vegetarian, rustic, Sunday dinner perfection.

Okay I’m braced for WEEGEE stories. Go.