Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRRRRRRerherderpermerder!

So this is the kind of stuff I think about.

You’re like, here we go.

Have you ever noticed how any business offices you call – no matter if it’s the doctor’s office, home improvement store, toenail repair shop – EVERYONE’S MENU HAS CHANGED?

“Please listen carefully, as our menu has changed.”

Why did it change? What was so wrong with the first menu? And did every single business in the entire world decide to team up at once and change their menu at the same time? It’s a conspiracy.

And I just feel like, if they’re going to change the menu, maybe they could change them the exact same way. Because how are we supposed to keep up with all these menu changes and pressing this button for that and that button for this and no. What am I, DAVID COPPERFIELD?

You know what, I’m going to change my voicemail message. “You’ve reached Bev Weidner’s phone. Please listen carefully as my menu has changed, YOU SONOFABI-“

Mom, I’m kidding.

It might be too early to start thinking about this. But I feel like it’s not too early to start thinking about this. I ask because others are thinking about this and I’ve been thinking about this but don’t want to be thinking about this but instead I’m thinking about this. And I’m worried now that it’s too late to think about this.

Guys what am I going to do with these children this summer? Like, they are not in school for two and a half months.

You’re like, “Camps, woman.”

AH KNOW.

But what camps?! I have no idea what camps even exist in this world. And I can’t call them because I’m sure their menu has changed and it will just a confusing ordeal for everyone.

Give me ideas for summer camps. And if you’re in Kansas City, like – specific ones because I know nuttin, honey. (why am I hungry for cereal all of a sudden?)

Swimming lessons, yes. Art camp? Book club camp? Unicycle camps? Is there such a thing? I need it to feel exactly like Wet Hot American Summer with a young, broodingly delicious Paul Rudd as the hot counselor. For me, not the kids.

wait what?

Guys, tonight is the school auction. And I’ve heard it’s a boozy doozy of a time. And that makes me nervous because it’s going to be 65 degrees tomorrow and I have so many things I’d love to accomplish in the garden beds and in life.

So I’ve got a plan! (my fist is in the air right now) I’m going to take a page from Abe Weissman’s book and write out an Auction Alcohol Consumption Index. And it’s going to work, I tell you! (it is, stop looking at me like that.)

I started writing it out yesterday morning at 7am and followed Aaron around in the kitchen with my coffee in hand, loose robe and saggy pony tail, “At 5:20pm I’ll have my first drink. And then it’s a water after that. We’ll Uber to the event by 6:15pm and I’ll have another. Then after THAT another wa-”

“You’re too much, Bev. It’s 7am, you’re TOO MUCH.”

That went well, I feel like.

Can we please bring neck cream back to the table because my neck skin died.

It’s like a dried-up crepe in the petrified forest.

Like a lizard ashamed of himself.

Like flaking tree bark.

YES, DUDE I moisturize. All the time. I use a sun screen, a moisturizer, AND a neck oil and I still cry. #thisis43?

What do you use that’s not 75 million dollars?

Weekend plans?

It’s going to be 65 degrees tomorrow and Sunday! I already told you that. But those temperatures deserve to be typed out again. I’ve got leaves to get out of garden beds, our first round of POSTCARDS to get this afternoon at the post office! (P.O. Box 8754 Prairie Village, KS 66208 – send us a postcard!), some dried Oregon flowers to put in a hanging glass frame (I’ll show you), a book to finish (OBSESSED with REGRETTING YOU, omg), a Sporting KC (our soccer team) festival to go to and some backyard picnicking to tend to. 65 degrees, y’all.

Just don’t try calling me this weekend because my menu has changed.

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13 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Kristin February 28, 2020 at 7:33 am #
    Seriously about the menus! And then they just LEAVE that message there forever. The Nelson has art classes for kids, and I regretted not finding that out until my kids were too old. You could get coffee and wander the museum while they create. And, did you ever Instagram your review of The Most Fun We Ever Had? If so, I missed it. I had the same "Seriously, just shape the heck up!" reaction as you, and wanted to hear what else you had to say.
  2. Jill February 28, 2020 at 8:31 am #
    I had the exact same thought about message menus yesterday when I called a brand spanking new company and received the "our menu has changed" nonsense. How is that even possible?
  3. Nancy February 28, 2020 at 8:35 am #
    I am quite a bit older than you so I just use a scarf on my neck. Ha! I honestly wonder if there is anything you can do to delay the inevitable where that is concerned. Sorry.....Summer camps....The Children's Museum in the town where I live has different camps as does a private school in town. The school's camps are more focused on different areas of interest but there are lots of them to choose from and they are for a wide range of ages. I was wondering last night (this is what I think about!) if you are going to relocate again this summer but it doesn't sound like it. Have a good weekend!
  4. Emily February 28, 2020 at 10:39 am #
    Just be prepared to spend a crapload of money for those camps. Ugh. Especially if you want them to be in more than 1 week. The insane cost is why my kids have never been in them (and why I lose my mind every summer). My friend spends around $3k or so to have her daughter in camps. No way. It would be nice to do but the cost is ridiculous.
  5. Anonymous February 28, 2020 at 11:19 am #
    Well, i found this thoroughly amusing! thank you. I also have a dead neck skin situation (that literally came out of nowhere) so I am very curious to see if anyone has any suggestions that are not 75 million dollars. Weirdly, I also now have dry eyelids! Its a new affliction and I don't know what to do about it (lets start a band called "new affliction" lol)
  6. Rosemarie February 28, 2020 at 12:38 pm #
    I swear it is a ruse to keep us listening and not just automatically press 0 to talk to someone. Camps- our Community Center has the best priced summer camp but my kindergartner was the youngest so he didn't love it. I did find a one week art camp which was awesome but only half day and somewhat expensive. My thoughts for my 2 kids this summer was getting a babysitter (senior in high school or a college student) to come a few days a weeks and do arts and crafts and play games. Maybe take them to the park or library. Sort of create my own camp for the kids. I work full time, but from home, so summers can be a little more flexible but I am on the phone a lot so I do need my kids entertained. But I did have to spend a few days googling summer camp in my area. Oh yeah, CHURCH CAMPS! I didn't go that route but there are quite a few free ones in my area.
  7. Deanna February 28, 2020 at 2:10 pm #
    My mom used to hire on of the preschool teacher aides to watch my sister and I every year and it. was. AWESOME! We’d have theme weeks (like French week where we read Madeline and made something French) and we do art projects and I loved Miss Corey so much. We did lots of camps when we were older, the greatest (and most expensive) of which was Horse Camp! We did a lot of tennis camp too, but I lack any and all hand eye coordination. All the high schools near us put on camps as well so I did cheer and dance camps too.
  8. Emily February 28, 2020 at 2:31 pm #
    hahahaa... as i was reading this, I was making a call at work, and the auto-voice says "please listne, as our menu options have changed." #bustedoutlaughing My mother used to say, "moisturize your neck. you'll never know when it'll be your face!" I just use my face moisturizer all over my neck too. It'll also be in the 60s down here in MS this weekend! Have fun at the auction, and good luck with that plan. hahaha!!!
  9. Laurie February 28, 2020 at 5:00 pm #
    OMG! I always think the same thing about the menu! I love the "carefully" part. As if you take your life in your hands if you should press the wrong number!! I like to live dangerously, so I always push the number I think will work before the warning is over. Phew, so far I have been right and nothing terrible has happened. This of course means that the menu has not changed, ever....
  10. Diane February 28, 2020 at 6:29 pm #
    For my neck and face, I use my own concoction of jojoba oil, rosehip oil, plus frankincense, geranium, and lavender. Just a drop or two in my palm, rub my hands together, then pat all over my face and neck!
  11. Dawn February 29, 2020 at 8:31 am #
    Bev you make me laugh! And I love your stories! Xo
  12. Jillian Brooks February 29, 2020 at 7:49 pm #
    Coconut oil, or the little Vaseline coconut oil. It saves everything. It will grow your neck skin back.
  13. Samad Khan March 1, 2020 at 1:40 pm #
    Your articles are always informative and enjoyable, thanks for sharing such good work always. I appreciate it.

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