Friday Flotsam

By Bev Weidner on September 7, 2018 in Friday Flotsam

FrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEEDEEDOODAAAHDULLYDIMDO.

I need help!

You’re like, “How does this woman even make it an hour by herself.”

I need a navy blazer. I’ve needed a navy blue blazer since the navy blazer was invented and I’ve never had a navy blazer!

Every fall rolls around and I’m like, “YES, IT’S NAVY BLAZER HUNT TIME,” and I always come up blazer-dry. I love the look of the one at H&M, but I’m worried about those dots, man.

Do you have a navy blazer? THE PERFECT NAVY BLAZER? If so, why aren’t you telling me where it’s from, already? Why you holding out on me, brah!?

That’s all.

Let’s play a round of: THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND YET THE WORLD IS OBSESSED WITH.

This idea came to me a few weeks ago when an IG follower DM’d and was all, “I’d love to know things that you don’t understand yet the world is obsessed with.” And then she gave me her list of things that she doesn’t understand yet the world is obsessed with. Which was 89% the same as mine. And we IG-hugged.

And I’m not trying to be a grump-o-tron! So don’t hate. Just love. And then let’s have a pillow fight.

Pita chips. I’ve never understood slash enjoyed a pita chip. They’re deathly to bite. I mean it’s like, RIP, ROOF OF MY MOUTH. Hummus is meant to be with warm, toasty pillowy pita bread. Not rocks.

2. Nutella. Guys, it’s not that good.

3. Chrissy Teigen. I just . . . don’t get it.

4. Lychee candy. OHHHHHH I SERIOUSLY DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. It tastes like bitter, licorice boogers. Hard pass.

5. Instant Pot. I’m TRYING. I’M TRYING. I SWEAR I AM. But right at this moment? Eh. Give me my Paris copper pot for hard boiling eggs, pleeeeeeease.

OKAY, WHAT’S YOUR LIST? You know you’ve got a list. You can tell me, this is a safe space.

I know there are so many more, but I’m trying to keep my priss to a minimum today so you don’t light your laptop on fire and throw it out a five-story window.

Don’t you just love standing in the shower and rubbing away all that dead skin around your ankles and between your toes?

…Probably should have kept that to myself just now.

You guys.

We bought a bug zapper. Like, one of those racquetball racket-looking things that you swing around in the air like a complete psycho and it ELECTROCUTES BUGS.

And it is wonderful.

Like, there is a literal FLASH of light and a satisfying audible ZAP that occurs once the wires come in contact with the fly. I’ve never been so obsessed with something in my life. At first you’re like, “Well this is kind of sad. I’m giving you little dudes the electric chair. Sorry in advance!”

And then something happens in your psyche after that first two or three zaps that switches over to this Freddy Krueger-meets-Andre Agassi mode and IT IS OOOOOON, BUGS.

This is the problem, though. All I want to do now is murder. (my mom is bowing in prayer right now.) I mean, it’s the same thing as a fly swatter, but FUN. Unbelievably satisfying, that POP. Especially three in a row omg.

Aaron walked in the door last night and I said, “There are fly carcasses all over the floors. It’s been a great day.”

This is my life now.

Weekend plans?

Today at 5pm I sign in for JURY DUTY. It happens Monday. And I’ve had a drastic change of heart. I want a) to not even get called at all, or b) for it to last a day. Half a day. A quarter of a day. I mean, I’m prepared to get all Nancy Drew if I have to, but I’d rather hunt for a navy blazer and avoid pita chips.

Tell me what you’ve got going on!

I realize this post has been a lot for you to absorb.

Are we okay?

ankle skin, bug zapper, navy blazer, thing I don't understand

Pork Fajita Quesadillas

Rosemary Chicken Gnocchi

41 Responses to Friday Flotsam

Caitlin September 7, 2018 at 8:43 am #

"Freddy Krueger-meets-Andre Agassi mode" Haaaahaahaha, I am crying over that one. So apt!
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- Anonymous September 7, 2018 at 8:59 am #
  
  I just got done with jury duty! I opted for “call in” twice a day. I ended up having to report for a day and a half because we were really needed. What a joke! We sat in the room and were never called. The best part was getting released a day early. Good luck. Yes, i understand it’s my civic duty but the “random” selection? I’ve been summoned 3 times and I know at least 5 people my age (old) that have never been summoned.
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Julie September 7, 2018 at 9:06 am #

Yes to the 'Bug-O-Nator'....we have one and are obsessed. Zap zap
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Danielle D September 7, 2018 at 9:08 am #

My list: 1.Smoothie bowls. Maybe I’m just doing it wrong? But this is just a less convenient way to eat something that I make for breakfast purely for the convenience factor. If I wanted a sit down breakfast, I’d make something more delicious. 2. Cats. You smell them the instant you walk into someone’s house. A literal box of their poop is kept somewhere in the house or garage. They claw and bite so I never feel comfortable cuddling them. And if you are pregnant their poop is DANGEROUS. Hard pass. 3. PSL everything. Enough said.
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- Bev Weidner September 7, 2018 at 9:16 am #
  
  I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOUR LIST! I can't STAND cats. I'm also deathly allergic, so there's that. But - what's PSL? (pumpkin spice latte? hahaha! Wait, is it?)
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Nicole September 7, 2018 at 10:26 am #

The Kardashians!!! ... The end.......
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- Amy September 9, 2018 at 11:55 am #
  
  Now this. Is as accurate as you can get.
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Jennifer C. September 7, 2018 at 10:27 am #

You should try a bug-a-salt! You would love it! Then you would have dead fly carcasses AND salt all over the floor!
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Laura September 7, 2018 at 10:39 am #

Can we add collagen to this list? I take my coffee with milk, sugar AND powdered fish scales. NAHT.
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- Paula September 7, 2018 at 10:54 am #
  
  Oh my gosh, thank you for this
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Emily September 7, 2018 at 11:02 am #

Well first let me thank you for #3. I agree. Are we just too old to get her, or is it something else???‍♀️ I also completely agree with smoothie bowls, and I am adding overnight oats to that category. It’s the consistency. And the idea of cold oatmeal that you have to then warm up. Gross. Our bug raquet is called The Executioner. It is worth its weight in gold. Especially when we find a roach who has made the poor mistake of wandering in our house. ??
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Hannah September 7, 2018 at 11:05 am #

Have ya checked J Crew for a navy blazer? I feel like they're the most famous for blazers--am I wrong?
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- Bev Weidner September 7, 2018 at 11:32 am #
  
  J CREW. Duh, what is wrong with me! they have TONS. I'm screwed.
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  - Kristen Anderson September 8, 2018 at 8:55 am #
    
    Look up either their sweater blazers or JCrew Factory. I have 3, which isn’t odd at all. Structured like a blazer with a beautiful collar but comfy and stretchy. Again...3 (including a navy!)
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Kate September 7, 2018 at 12:35 pm #

Here's my list: 1. Brene Brown. 2. Books written by Brene Brown. 3. Summer camps for adults based on Brene Brown's books. The Halogen Double Breasted Blazer on Nordstrom.com is apparently amazing. I read that it doesn't look so hot on the website, but in person it's dee-lightful.
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Anonymous September 7, 2018 at 12:38 pm #

Your list was spot on for me. I could add the Kardashians, too, like Nicole above. I REALLY don't get the Nutella rage. Sorry, it's just not worth the hype in my opinion. Love our bug killing arsenal. We have the Andre Agassi thing AND the bug-a-salt thing and my husband finds a disturbing amount of pleasure in going after any intruders. I just hate the smell of the sizzling flies. UGH!
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CJ | A Well-Read Tart September 7, 2018 at 12:48 pm #

Thank you!!! I cannot stand Nutella, and everyone I know is obsessed with it. :-P I also agree 100% with you about everything else on your list. Spot on.
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Amber - Loves Food, Loves to Eat September 7, 2018 at 1:24 pm #

some top contenders on my list: 1. nonfiction books about business/being a boss/being creative/being a better person/growth/mindset/transformation/quest for belonging/leaning in, etc. yawn. 2. rosewater/rose flower/rose petal food. It tastes like soap to me??? 3. Drake.
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Michelle Hedegard September 7, 2018 at 2:41 pm #

Kombucha, anything purple in color not occurring in nature (even the name is stupid...purrr-pulllll), anything Gwenyth Paltrow endorses or sells (because pseudo-science), gooey cheese loaded social media "recipe" videos (ewww gross!), and overuse of the word "perfect" in the wrong context.
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Anonymous September 7, 2018 at 3:07 pm #

I can't stand the crockpot. No matter what you cook in the crockpot it tastes the exact same. Pass. All the people who go to Panera and get the apple as the side? What is up with that?! I have so many side eyes for that. And yeah, smoothie bowls. Gross. I have never heard of such a bug zapper, but the description on Amazon is giving me life! Lol!! But...what if you accidentally touch it?? Yikes!
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Ashley September 7, 2018 at 3:19 pm #

Yes to your list. If I'm having pita, it's going to be hot and soft, like from Jerusalem Cafe. Not break my teeth out hard. Also, nutella. And, the bubbles in bubble tea. They don't taste like anything and the squish is kind of gross. Kardashians - who cares? But I don't swoon over celebrity of any variety. Super plumped lips. What for? If I didn't have much of an upper lip I might go for a smidge of plump, but I don't understand the super plump. You should know I'm a simple girl, hence the last two on my list.
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Abby September 7, 2018 at 3:32 pm #

Just got Everlane's navy blazer in the mail on Tuesday and it's great!
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- Bev Weidner September 7, 2018 at 3:52 pm #
  
  Gaaaah I love Everlane! I just ordered one from J.Crew (40% off!), so if that one doesn't work, I'll def try the Everlane. Thanks for the reminder!
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JC September 7, 2018 at 4:11 pm #

I do not like Nutella and I am Italian. I bought an Instapot a year ago last December and it is still in the box and I cook a lot. Seems like too much trouble. I have been on jury duty once and it was soooo interesting-but once was enough.
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Erin September 7, 2018 at 4:25 pm #

Ok, my whole life I have been looking for a public forum for this: I just don't get why people drive around with a box of Kleenex in the back window of their car. Like if they have a booger or sneeze, are they going to climb back there to retrieve said Kleenex.....just don't get it!
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- Becky September 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm #
  
  Hahahaha. This is amazing. So, so true.
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Becky K. September 7, 2018 at 6:15 pm #

1) coconut water. If I wanted to drink sewage I’d go to my toilet bowl. 2) Beyoncé. Yeah, I said it. 3) Apple watches. I don’t need a phone on my wrist. The one time I did jury duty I was called into a courtroom to be questioned for jury selection. It took four hours and they didn’t even select me. I had to be there at 8 am and didn’t get home I till after dark that night.
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Liz September 7, 2018 at 6:31 pm #

I totally agree about Nutella and Danielle up there who said pumpkin spice lattes. other things include: Breaking Bad, Kale, and the cult of La Croix lovers. It's not even like I loathe these things, I just don't understand the obsession. Also, the bug zapper sounds glorious..."literal FLASH of light and a satisfying audible ZAP". So satisfying!
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Victoria September 7, 2018 at 6:55 pm #

I have t say I agree with your list plus everyone who said the Kardashian’s .... As for the navy blazer, try Banana Republic. Different cuts but classic and they have some good sales. Have a great weekend!
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Tory September 7, 2018 at 7:58 pm #

I’m DYING reading these comments. As there’s many things I like but not because other people like them. Or do I? Hmmm. ?
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Wendy September 8, 2018 at 12:42 am #

Meal prep: “26 lunches you can meal prep on Sunday”. Or, “Ugh...I totally forgot to meal prep this weekend and now I don’t know how to eat lunch!” Holy Grail: “Ohmagahd this new illuminating, highlighting, exfoliating, line-reducing, butt-enhancing face potion is totally my new holy grail!!!” Turmeric milk. No. Ditto on the PSL, smoothie bowls, Kombucha, and instant pot. Looks like you ordered something, but I’ve had my eye on the J. Crew Factory Schoolboy blazer for a long time.
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stefanie September 8, 2018 at 12:56 am #

at the top of my not-obsessed-with-your-obsession list is the instant pot. i think people who really enjoy cooking slash really enjoy food can never enjoy this contraption for the simple fact that it takes away so much from the process! i *like* browning my chicken thighs over the appropriate heat level in my well-season antique le creuset cast iron pan and then cooking the veggies in the leftover browned bits, and the following deglazing?! ohh yesss. keep your instant pot and i'll keep sipping my wine while i cook slowly and old-fashioned (p.s. it means i get more wine)
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- Bev Weidner September 8, 2018 at 7:58 am #
  
  YOU. SPEAK. MY. TRUTH.
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Amanda September 8, 2018 at 7:04 pm #

Yes! Instant Pots are the absolute worst thing. I have one and I just don’t get it. Spend an hour making something that I could cook on the stove in 20 minutes? No thanks. Also totally agree with the above comments about smoothie bowls and overnight oats. Oatmeal takes no time to cook. Who wants cold soggy oats? No one.
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Klara Donovan September 9, 2018 at 2:40 am #

My maiden name was Jury and I never, ever got called. Nobody in my family did. Ever. Until my little sister randomly did a couple of years ago. The only jury duty to ever occur in the Jury family, or at least in my portion of the Jury family. Having said that I've had my married name for nearly 10 years and haven't been called with that name either. Shrugs. Things people are obsessed with that I don't get: 1. Mayo. Shudder. 2. Rompers. Oh I hate them so much. Not just on me. On everyone. 3. Wine. I'm sorry. I've tried to do the sitting-down-with-a-glass-of-wine-at-the-end-of-a-long-day but it doesn't do anything for me. I mean I'll drink a glass at a wedding but I just don't... get it.
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Amy September 9, 2018 at 12:04 pm #

My husband and I have regular summertime "let's get the bug zapper out and go out on the back deck" dates. It's especially great when you are able to catch a big, gnarly bug and its zaps for a full 10 seconds. We always go back in feeling satisfied that we've rid the world of something dangerous. Btw, your list is SPOT ON.
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Sarah September 10, 2018 at 3:52 pm #

The softened blazer from Loft is perf. I have it in Navy & Blush. Try it!
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Nancy September 10, 2018 at 7:38 pm #

I agree about the Instapot. No room for that in my small kitchen. And I don't get the obsession with the Kardashians or Beyonce either. But what I'm really sick of is seeing a fried egg on top of everything. Really?
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Sara @ Cake Over Steak September 13, 2018 at 12:53 pm #

Oh my gosh, the comments on this are getting me. It cracks me up that you're not a fan of Chrissy because it seems to me like you two would be best friends .... Maybe you're two different versions of the same person and therefore can't exist in the same space? I don't know. But I feel like you'd love her cookbooks! Also .. I'm a HUGE fan of rubbing that weird skin from my ankles. It's weird and bizarre but I LOVE IT. So satisfying.
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Sandy September 25, 2018 at 5:56 am #

I'm late to the game here, but I'm so done with those stupid Facebook videos where the presenter whips through a bunch of cue cards to communicate instead of talking. Dude! It's been almost A CENTURY since talkies were invented! Just. Talk.
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