Friday Flotsam

F r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r i i i i i i i i i i d d d d d d d d d a a a a a a a a a.    Y.

Okay.

Mom friends.

Mom friends of tiny, germy gremlins.

I need some help. (you’re like, I HAVEN’T EVEN HAD COFFEE YET.)

So, my littles got invited to a birthday party of someone in their class at school. (first party! I’m scared.) But on the invite it said, “No presents, please.”

No presents?

Really?

Moms, tell me. Am I missing something? Is “no presents, please” code for YOU BETTER BRING MY KID A GIFT OR YOU ARE MOTHERHOOD ROADKILL.

Or is it really, truly, “No seriously, we don’t need another bright, plastic blinking piece of crap in this house or else it may become a crime scene.”

What is that message REALLY saying? Because I ain’t about to be that idiot mom who didn’t read between the lines, and shows up empty handed at a CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY, and get the stink eye from all the other moms.

“She didn’t bring a gift! Did you see how she walked in without a gift? No gift! What is wrong with that woman? Wait, is that a flask?”

However, I also don’t want to be that mom who comes with a gift, and be THE ONLY PERSON that brings a present.

“She brought a gift! Did she not READ the invitation? It was crystal clear about not bringing gifts. What a show off. Wait, is that a flask?”

Help me.

What does, “No presents, please” truly mean?

And yes that is a flask thank you very much.

Let’s talk lashes!

Eyelashes.

I think mine are dying. The more ancient I get, the more they start to resemble a janky gnawed-off squirrel tail. Thin, short, a cry for help.

I’ve used They’re Real for a loooong time, and I’ve always loved that mascara. But do you think lashes get used to a mascara and start SLEEPING ON THE JOB? Because I’m starting to feel like they’re not as UMPH as they once were. Or maybe it’s because I bought my last tube on Amazon and it’s a knock off OMG.

omg.

I’m fine.

Tell me, do you get lash extensions? Are they worth it? Have you tried Better Than Sex mascara? Is all the hype really true? Is it any better than They’re Real? Or what about L’Oreal’s Paradise? I hear it’s a match for BTS, and only $8. Is THAT true? What about other brands? Do you use an eye lash curler? Do those work? I have one! I never use it. Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot?

Can you tie them in a bow?

Can you swing them over your shoulder like a continenta – wait, what was I saying?

Oh, right! Tacos.

How often do you dig around in your belly button?

A frie – my cous, my girl cousin wants to know. She’s asking. For her friend. Her fr…her friend is curious.

I miss Felicity.

I mean BEN and Felicity.

Okay, I miss Ben.

As much as L O V E Grace & Frankie, I need a change after this. (one season to go!)

And I need your honesty right now, more than I’ve ever needed it before.

Should my girlfriend and I watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer? (you can pick your face up off the floor now.)

Neither of us have (has?) seen it! Are we bad people? Tell me, is Buffy better than like, One Tree Hill or Gossip Girl? I need teen DRAMA. Adolescent angst! Youthful sexual tension!

Hashtag Ben Covington.

Is Buffy my new life direction?

Wait, are you crying?

Weekend plans?

The ice finally melted. And by ice I mean the one tiny drop of ice in that one man’s yard. This week was such a rip off! (just like my mascara I AM FIGURING THIS OUT.) No school for 18,000 years because it was drizzly and chilly outside. I’m writing a letter to congress.

However, we are getting storms this weekend! Actual thunderstorms. Something that says SPRING IS ON THE WAY HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER. Also, our backyard birds are starting to get more active in their singing. That’s another sign. Speaking of signs, there’s this one Blue Jay in our back yard that clicks when he sings. LIKE, CLICKS.  It sounds like that one scene in Signs when they have pointed foil on their heads and they hear the aliens clicking in the baby monitor and they climb up on the car to hear it more clearly. THAT IS IN MY BACK YARD. Click click clickcclicllcciclcclckc. From a bird! A BIRD.

No.

I’m never buying mascara on Amazon again.