Friday Flotsam

FA LA LA LA LAAAAA LA LA LA RIDAY.

How do you keep your eyebrows from looking like you didn’t just escape prison?

You guys, mine are such a trainwreck. I’ve always had a good shape to my eyebrows, but they’ve never been easy to work with as far as staying in place. You heard that right, STAYING IN PLACE. See, mine aren’t the classic caterpillar problems like a lot of people complain about. Mine are more like angry pine needles in search of prey. They’re thin, and stick straight out of my face like mini horse pube brooms. I use clear mascara to try to glue them down to my head, but that only works until I move or do anything human at all. Now, if I just look right directly at you, and make facial expressions that require zero emotions, I look normal. Almost good! But the second I  get happy, get surprised, get confused (<–most common), get mad, or get sad, my eyebrows explode in all different directions and people are basically liable to get hurt. I’m a walking biohazard.

Do you have this problem? Is there a certain paste I can apply to them? Certain clippers to trim them with? A cage? A torch?

Today is our official “put-up-the-Christmas-tree-decorate-the-house-drink-all-the-wine-watch-all-the-Christmas-movies-and-fall-into-the-fireplace” day! I’m pretty pumped. And I can’t stand the word pumped.

I DO have one slight worry though. Yesterday I popped an ISH load of popcorn so that we can string it and wrap it around the tree. But like, exactly how long do you think this is going to take me? I want to say us because Aaron’s like, “We’ll do it together! It will be fun. It won’t take long. Relax, and let’s make precious family memories to last us a lifetime.” (he didn’t say that last part) And I’m like, “Yeah RIGHT you’re going to sit around with me for 2947343524 hours stringing stale popcorn.” But he swears it. You KNOW I’mon’ snapchat that mess if he’s actually sitting around with a needle and a thread and a cardigan today.

But really, does it take hours and hours? Is there a trick to it? Just keep the wine flowing? Because that I can do.

Speaking of Christmas movies, I am looooving of all your suggestions. I hope you’ve been listening to my CHRISTMAS MIXTAPE because hello, a good handful of the songs are from your picks! (Charlie Brown, Love, Actually, Home Alone, White Christmas, Muppets!)

I can totally 13 thousand 156 billion kajillion 71 percent agree with the general consensus that Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation wins at all movies. We actually watched it the day after Thanksgiving this year with the fam, and my innards still hurt right this second from laughing so hard. And I’m just going to say it, Chevy Chase was HOT. Like, legit good looking! His eyes when the house finally lights up, my gaaah. Don’t you just want to pet him?

I probably just lost 87% of my followers right now.

Off the top of your head, what’s a total tubular classic ’80s appetizer? We’re going to a Christmas party next weekend and that’s my job. AND I’M WEARING SHOULDER PADS. I don’t know how I get so lucky in life.

Weekend plans?! Basic holiday shniz ’round her. Decorating today, shopping this weekend, wrapping gifts, shaving my eyebrows off, blah blah.

BUT! I want to let you know something that’s going to be happening on my Instagram account starting at 10am CST this morning  – I’ll be hosting a Freshly Picked moccasin giveaway! (I imagine all of your heads exploding like in the SNL Oprah sketch from zillions of years ago.) So if you’ve got little tot moccasins on your holiday shopping list, be sure and pop over and enter to win! Because hi, moccasins. Only thing, it’s U.S. only, and the pair is soft soled. And you cannot have won a FP giveaway within the last 60 days. But you’re cool with that, right? Right.

One last thing – don’t forget to enter mah GAYT CHAYZE giveaway! (<–sorry about my existence)

Oooo, what about carpenter’s glue for my eyebrows?!