Because I Can’t Instagram Everything

I’m kind of behind on cooking, so we’re looking at babies today. Zat kewel weeyeth yew?

Don’t tell anyone I just said “behind on cooking.”

1) So this is their new real estate business card photo. What do you think? She was all, “Ya know, I really like my elbow on his shoulder. It says ‘we mean business but we’re also cool and casual.'”

Then Will said, “I just pooped my pants again.”

2) Each day we strive to expand the depths of our noggin’ knowledge by studying our lessons. (you know babies are pretty dumb) Boy do we have some major mileage to cover. Yellow socks that hang from trees and sing to the purple puppy in the meadow. Seven purple puppies to be exact. Would you like to count them with me?

. . . me neither.

This is the way our lessons tend to go.

Super interested. Super interested. Kind of interested. Can’t stop the sliding. Why can’t I hold my body up. Why don’t my muscles hold me up. Why am I leaning. Why is my face in your lap. Aaaaaaaaand man down.

3) “Pfff! Get a load of this, Natalie. Mom, tell her what you were telling me about that soft spot thingy.”

“Waitwaitwait. It’s on our HEADS? As in, little squishy pits of brain (gag gag gag) where our SKULL (gag) GAPES OPEN?”

“That sh*t ain’t riiiiight.”

(and we didn’t even touch on their double chin issue, you guys.)

4) So we took the babies on their very first trip to the gardening center last weekend. It was super cute until a bumble bee started flying around me (with Natalie Bjorned to my chest like a baby sweater vest) and I started flailing around, screaming, nearly knocking over four buckets of tulips. They should know better than to have a gardening center outdoors! With all those dangerous bees. Blasted demon bumble bees.

We let the babies smell all the herbs (me sticking them up their noses) and the vibrant tomato plant leaves (me shoving their heads into the plants), so I’m hoping they’ll grow up with an instinctual love for gardening and getting in the soil!

Oh you’d rather me not say soil? SOIL SOIL SOIL.

5) I don’t really have anything to say about these next photos except they make me want to stick the babies back in my uterus and give birth to them again. Minus the whole sawing my stomach open thing.

6) Did I mention Natalie is actually a Cabbage Patch Kid?

Look at that face! Those rolls. I mean arms. Those little leggies.

However, pay no attention to the giant centipede thing behind her on the floor. Or the binoculars. We like to bird watch. That’s all we watch. Just birds. No neighbor spying. Most of the time. Some of the time. All of th- I told you about the ostrich dragon that was in our yard, right?

7) This was Easter Sunday! We took them to church, but apparently I didn’t do a good job at dressing Natalie like a girl because two ladies thought she was a boy. So she wasn’t in a dress! So what. She’s clearly filled to the brim with pure daintiness with darling baby owls on her feet and lace at her neckline and ruffles on her little gray tights. Now I’m pissed again.

8) I’m thinking about blowing this next photo up and hanging it on our bedroom ceiling.

If that’s not the definition of terrifying then I don’t know what is.

Also, how are they becoming actual little people? Nibbalicious little faces with distinct features and personality and sass? WAAAAAAH.

Aaron looks like he should be playing the alto sax or something.

The end.

As always, you can follow the daily embarrassment on Instagram and Facebook. Just tell your husband to go in the other room.