Friday Flotsam

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I have to tell you my dream real quick before I forget.

So, okay – Carrie Underwood was in it, and we were on some college campus, like, in New England or something. Okay first, do you remember Jessica McClure in the well? Baby Jessica in the well, back in 1987 in Midland, TX? I think slash talk about this event way more than should ever be allowed in life. Anyway, so Carrie Underwood was trying to figure out how to get inside a pole thing in the ground, but it was hollow, just like a well! See, she wanted to slide down the inside the hollow pole to go way into the earth and find a hidden treasure. Because that’s what American Idol winners do.

BUT, the joke was on Carrie Underwood because there was no hidden treasure. It was just a rock! Hahahah! Just a rock. Poor Carrie Underwood.

But I was like, “Remember to hold your hair back, Carrie Underwood! You don’t want it all in your face inside that pole.” But theeeeen I realized it wasn’t ME telling Carrie Underwood to hold her hair back. It was an ELF TELLING ME to hold my hair back, because I was about to wash my face.

The end.

Don’t you feel like you can now start your day knowing this useless information?

Okay, I’m trying to be better about my dang fingernails. I’ve ALWAYS struggled with maintaining attractive nails. (my best friend is nodding her head right like giiiiirl.) Thing is, I bite them. (gasp!) Always have. (no!) Most definitely will again. (sick, bev!) I know.

But the reason I bite is because I get hang nails all the time. Little devil slivers that prick and poke and peeeees me off. Constantly! I basically belong on Judge Judy.

So, I need help and advice and probably therapy. Is there a good nail polish or treatment that would keep my nails super sturdy and hang-devil-sliver-free? Which is obviously a word.

Another thing, I wash my hands 29478244557037413487026322275090 times a day. And then put on body butter or lotion. So this magic treatment potion will have to stand up to the daily wear and tear I put my hands through. This is serious business! (I’m making a fist right now)

I firmly believe that a woman’s hands are the window to her sou- wait. The entryway to her hear- hold on. The gateway to the wes- wait. OH I HAVE IT. Fingernails are the porthole to the hands’ ego. That’s it! Sort of.

(and tell me your favorite color for just-saw-a-ghost skin!)

Did you KNOW about this cool trick I learned on Ellen a few days ago? Yes I watch Ellen. I feel she has some really good vests.

Anyway, she does this little segment on like hacks, and I learned probably the most useful tip I’ll ever learn in my whole life. Always have a stash of GRAPES in the freezer so that when you buy un-chilled white wine, you can add a grape or three and chill it right up, without watering it down! Isn’t that so nifty??

And it’s like the wine revisits its roots with the grape in it! It’s like ANCESTRY. Ellen didn’t say that part. That would be my noggin at work, you guys.

Wait, why are you x-ing out?

POLL: do onion goggles work? Because my eyes simply cannot take this onion chopping abuse no mo’!

I’ve heard about sticking the onion in the freezer, running your knife under cold or hot water before slicing, removing the eyeballs from the sockets before the chopping. I’ve just had it. HAD IT.

Weekend plans? I have a bunk.ton. of blog ish to shoot for the coming weeks (it’s all fun stuff! can’t wait to show your faces). Tonight I’m making spaghetti with grass-fed meat sauce. But I’m amping (<–why do I do it?) it up with red wine, green bells, mushrooms, onions and carrots. Maybe some spinach. What are you cooking this weekend? I need ‘spiration NATION, y’all.

Other than that, reg stuff. Fires, forensics, food and fermentation.

And obviously trying to keep Carrie Underwood from going down that pole because JESSICA MCCLURE.