So I Had Some Babies

It was January 6th, the coldest day ever. Ever in the history of the world and ever loving everness.

I was 37 weeks and one day pregnant with a boy and a girl (ninja?) inside my cranktankerous belly. I was swollen. I was crampy. I was contractiony. I was anti-bacterial-y. I had makeup on! But no nail polish. I was excited. I was terrified. I was freaking hungry.

IV – done.

Into the operating room we go.

Time for the epidural – oh gawd, ew. But okay. It was so weird, it was FREEZING in the OR. And then just like that, my legs became super heavy and hot and I was being maneuvered onto my back, curtain up, 14 trillion doctors and nurses crowded around, Aaron scrubbed up and at my head, and bing bam boodily do, 12:19 pm little William Everett popped (er, was yanked) out. And then at 12:21 pm little miss Natalie James popped out.

Do you want to see them?

Of course as soon as it was done I was all, “Who’s gonna run out and tell our parents LIKE IN THE MOVIES?”

So Aaron ran out. But only for 1 minute and 34 seconds or else I would have lopped his head off with my gimpy log legs.

(Quick thing – did you know that your brain remembers the last position your body was in before it goes numb? I thought my legs were bent and sticking up the entire time! I was wrong. The end.)

Just look at his smile. Oh, my heart.

(During this time they were playing with my organs! Doesn’t that sound like such fun? The end again.)

You just want to see the babies, don’t you?

But first, here are the parents seeing some quick photos of the babi – OKAY! okay.

Feetsies!

Toesies!

I don’t know who is who in these photos. I suck. Don’t tell the babies.

And there they are. Natalie’s on the left and Will’s on the right. They look pretty big in this photo, but in real life they’re TINY. I should have stuck a coin or a turtle in the crib for comparison. She was 5 lbs and 13 oz. And Will was 5 lbs and 9 oz. Then they dropped a bunch of weight and ish got a little scary, but all is well!

Here’s Will, getting his post-birth bath. Clearly he enjoyed every second!

And here’s Natalie getting her suds on. Probably her favorite moment in life thus far. Probably.

A couple of hours of recovery later and we were moved to a super huge and posh room where we’d spend the next four days getting used to the fact that we’ve just made the world a slightly scarier place.

Also, after a c-section, I seriously looked like SpongeBev Squarepants. It was definitely a great look for me.

Dude, we’re parents. This is bad. Really, really bad.

Friday morning we packed up and headed back to the hizzy!

That really needs to be the last time I ever, ever say hizzy.

Home. At last. With these two.

I want to eat her hands.

And her nose.

And her eyes and lips.

And his hair.

And his fingers.

And his perfect, ovary-licious wrinkled forehead.

Will, “Okay, so this is the plan. Tonight, just when they think they’re going to sleep, you scream as loud as you possibly can from 10:30 pm to 2:30 am. Then I’ll take over from 2:30 through the rest of the night. Trust me, this will be GREAT.”

Nat, “Yeah yeah, man. I can dig it.”

Will, “And one more thing. If you could poop all over dad’s hands and chest right around 1:30 am, he’ll LOVE it. This is gonna be so good.”

Nat, “Yep, can do.”

Babies.

Did you guys know that babies poop and pee? Like all day? On a lot of things? Like your hands and clothing? And without warning! I mean, how rude is that? You don’t see me walking up to them and taking a big doo on their legs, now do you? No.

Schemesters. I see right through it.

Did you guys know that babies cry a lot? They do. They cry a lot. And it’s very, very loud. And feels like your brain is going to slide out of your ear holes and onto the floor.

Now I truly know why wine was invented.

Did you guys know that babies don’t know anything? At all. We have to teach them everything. Every single thing ever.

I’m actually quite terrified for them.

Yes, mommy needs to wash her hair. But you’re not supposed to really see much of anything right now, so let’s just ignore it, cool?

Here I am pretending that I even know how to hold an infant.

Like, I’m looking at these photos and I miss them. And they’re right next to me. This is completely ridiculous.

So, Will is definitely the chill one. The thinker. The sleeper. And Natalie? Oh Lord is she a pistol.

I have, um, no idea where she gets it.

All I know is that I survived IVF, nearly nine months of carrying twins, a needle in my spine (barf), a c-section, learning how to pee again, looking like a swollen blob of square squishy human tofu, and now the fresh beginnings of a new life with you two.

Hold on tight, littles.

I swear I’ll brush my teeth next time I kiss you. Maybe.

Also, they completely rule the universe.

*For an obnoxious amount of babyness, you can always peep my Instagram. Just don’t tell your husbands.

(All photos taken by my fabulous sister, Barbara. So yeah, don’t expect my future posts to be this pretty.)