Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRRRRRieeeeuuuuuuumuuuuday! (<–?)

I’m sorry, what’s wrong with lemons?

Yeah, you heard me. WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH A GOOD LEMON?

Sorry to yell at you first thing on a Friday. I’m just trying to finally understand the phrase “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”

LEMONADE? I don’t even like lemonade. But guess what I do love? Lemons. LEMONS. I’ll just take the lemons, please. Slice and squeeze, please. Spritz and zest, please.

I just feel like that phrase is all wrong. We’re taking something nasty or ugly and turning it into something beautiful and workable, right? Then it should be “when life gives you cockroaches, make a cocktail.”

Wait, never mind.

Maybe it’s “when life gives you papercuts, make chicken tacos.”

Tell you what, I’ll work on it and get back to you.

But guess what I’m not going to do in the meantime, make lemonade. Nope.

I’m feeling great this morning, why do you ask?

I have a crazy story for you, but first can we talk about candy that gives you messages and why this isn’t just across the board with all food?

Fortune cookies – you break it open and get your little fortune and either roll your eyes because it is clearly not a fortune, sigh and try to mentally to make it work for whatever your life looks like at that moment, or experience a mild panic attack and throw it away immediately.

Dove chocolates – you unwrap the little chocolate from its wrapper and read the little message inside. (the wrapper, not the chocolate.) Okay, you know what makes me laugh so hard? The one that says “Book the flight.” Do you get that one all the time? Will and Natalie get “Book the flight” like 80% of the time and they always whine, “Book the fliiiiiiight! Agaaaain! I’m sick of book the fliiiiiight!” And they sound like mini Jerry Seinfelds and I cannot stop laughing.

First of all, I feel like all unwrappable food and/or drink should come with a message.

Oh! Eggs! I appreciate a good message from an egg carton. SEE? Why is this not more common?

What other foods have messages that I’m blanking on?

OKAY, the story. My bestie Laura is in town partly just to see me since it’s been five hundred years, and also it’s my birthday on Monday so we’re doing a little birthday cheersing while we’re at it. IF WE MUST, okay? Last night she told me this crazy thing: she and her husband Eric were making their bed just a week or so ago, and this FORTUNE was in the sheets. A PAPER FORTUNE was just loose in their bed and neither one had eaten Chinese food. As in, they have absolutely no idea where this piece of paper came from. The message said, “In order to be a source of strength, you have to find strength yourself.” (first of all, that’s not a fortune, that’s just adding to the to-do list.) BUT B) WHAT? Where did this come from? They were spooked, they threw it away and they made the bed. The end.

Seriously though, who put that there?

I have a question for you. And it involves bare feet so if this icks you out maybe skip this section or throw your laptop in a lake.

What do you use for a foot scrub? Remember those foot stone thingies? They sort of felt like petrified rock and had a light sandy color to them? With a little rope handle? Remember those? Are they still cool or has humanity upped the foot care game? Are there specific foot scrubs to use, or are you just using the same as you put on your face?

I need some major advice here because I’m about to take a Scotch-Brite scour pad and some WD40 to these trotters, y’all.

The other day I misheard Aaron and I feel it in my soul to share what I thought he said to me.

We were talking about style. Clothing style. And how each of use has our uniform. Aaron is black tee-shirt and gray shorts or jeans. All the time. 98%. THAT is his uniform.

And he said to me, “Yeah, and you’re canker buttnut pants.”

And I looked at him in horror. “What does that even mean? How dare you.”

He was all, “What! You know it’s 100% true. Why do you look like that right now?”

Me, “Why do I look like this right now? CANKER BUTTNUT PANTS? That is my style? GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!” (jk)

He then doubled over in laughter for about nineteen months, came up for air and said, “Tank or button-up with pants. THAT is what I said.”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

But see now the problem is, I like canker buttnut pants.

The end.

Weekend plans?

It’s going to be eight hundred and seventy five degrees, so melting is on the menu. Like I said, my bestie Laura is in town, so we’ll do a coffee walk through Brookside this morning, maybe a little antique or plant shopping later today, a brewery this evening with friends. She’s also going to do my nails because for twenty two years now, she’s thought my nails are a disaster (she’s not wrong!) so we’ll lounge around and she’ll fix me right up. Maybe we’ll seek out that WD40 for my paddles while we’re at it.

From this week, in case you missed it!::: The most deliiiiiicious Cheesy Tomato Bake of your dreams. Make it stat. The One I Love – OUR VERSION. Have you listened yet? Oh, you’ll love it. And lastly, a simple Cucumber, Mint and Feta Bruschetta! Beyond simple, so crunchy. So perfect.

Does that little link overlapping into the word perfect make you insane? I’m leaving it. Oh, I’m leaving it.

Birthday celebrations begiiiiiiiin now!