Friday Flotsam

FFFFFFFFFFFFFeebers. Feebay. Freeders. Friday. Friyay?

Looking at these daisies I’m like, HUNNERT PERCEYENT plantin’ a giant daisy patch next spring.

You know how when someone sniffs a carton or tub of food, you can’t eat it after that? (changing subjects pretty fast here)

Like, you could buy cottage cheese that morning, fresh from the market, due date four and a half months away, but if someone takes it out of the fridge, removes the lid and sniffs the cheese, it’s just over. You can’t eat it.

What is it about the nose approaching the surface of the food that just wipes away all desire for food for the rest of eternity?

Or worse, when someone says, “Does this smell okay to you?” WELL NOW IT DOESN’T, YOU TURD. Because with every bite, you’re going to be like, “Is this okay to eat? The due date says December. Is it tasting weird? Do I feel okay? AM I GETTING SWINE FLU SYPHILIS RIGHT NOW???”

Like, I can’t take it when Aaron sniffs chicken. I understand that one HAS to sniff the chicken. To make sure one doesn’t die. But I can’t VIEW the sniffing. Or happen UPON the sniffing. Because then I can’t eat the chicken. Because it’s rotting, I’m sure of it.

But the hypocrisy of it all is that I SNIFF THE CHICKEN AND THE COTTAGE CHEESE. I’m a sniffer! We all are! We have to be! I just can’t see other human beings sniffing.

Did you leave?

I have another question.

You’re like, “Please just let me wake up first.”

You know how we get lumps in our throat when we emotional? We get a lump in our throat. And we specifically call it that – “lump in my throat.” What do you think that LOOKS like? Inside the throat where the so-called lump is. What IS that lump and what does it look like?

Okay I just asked the Goog, and it said something about globus sensation and the glottis (don’t like that word) contracting – but what does it look like?! I want to see these glottis contractions under an x-ray machine or microscope or via Superman.

ALSO, what do you think emotions look like? (don’t x out) The butterflies in our stomach when we’re nervous, the heartbreak of a love tragically falling apart, the giddy pants rush when something exciting is about to happen. WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE INSIDE OUR CHAMBERS?

I mean, I know it’s a chemical release in the brain that sends messages down to the heart and stomach, but I need to see it. Under the x-ray machine or microscope or via Superman. Does anything visible happen inside?

Maybe I just need a taco.

I have another question.

You’re like, “No.”

What smells remind you of your childhood? Is there any scent that you randomly get a whiff of and it takes you right back to the time you peed your pants in the Dillards in 1983? Anything like that?

This summer when we were in Oregon, I’d grabbed a little travel size Caress body wash and OHMYG it immediately transported me back to my Memaw and Papaw’s tiny light blue-tiled shower in their master bathroom in their Crossett, Arkansas home, mid ’80s through the early ’90s. Boom. But Memaw used the bar soap back then. I can’t remember when “body wash” became a thing. But she sure did use that soap and I had no idea I even knew that until I used it in Oregon. It was the most bizarre feeling. I smelled it, felt it, looked at the font on the bottle and was like, “OHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAH.”

Other things are Vaseline (not that it even has a scent, but it kind of does, you know?) and Pacquins hand cream (again, not that it even has a scent, but it kind of does, you know?) My mom has used those two products since I was the youngest Lassie with pig tails and no jowls. And to this DAY when I go to their house and open the kitchen (organized) junk drawer and see the two tiny tubs side by side, I put on Pacquins hand cream and say to Mom, “You still use this?” And she says, “Yep! Hand me the crossword, will ya?”

Tell me what scents remind you of childhood. I love knowing these weird things about people’s lives YES I’M A FREAK.

I’ve never read Little Women.

Can we even be friends? Can you even begin to find a place in your heart to accept this colossal life downfall?

BUT LISTEN. I’m going to this fall! Matter of fact – this weekend I’ll post recaps to IG Stories on Mrs. Everything and Summer of ’69 (oh, book club last night? FABULOUS. Thank you so much for coming!) and we’ll move on with our fall books. Let me tell you what’s to come:

Right now I’m reading The Floating Feldmans (just started, but I do like it)

After that – Ruth Ware’s newest Turn of the Key!

THEN Little Women.

I’ll also look at the master and let you know soon what else is in the HASHTAG BEVBOOKS pipeline because you know I change it up at an obnoxious pace.

What are you reading?

Weekend plans?

WE. HAVE. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. (all the angels in heaven join in triumphant chorus and possibly a pillow fight)

Nothing! NOTHING. Aaron’s like, “And if you even fill it up…”

I’ll cook tonight, for sure. Buttermilk chicken with asparagus, sundried tomatoes and orzo. I’ll test it as a one-pan type of thing, and if it’s brilliant I’ll get it on the blog soon.

Other than that, just taking it as it comes, man. Yard work, reading, maybe a movie, a gal pal lunch date at the French Market, and watching my follower count rapidly plummet after having just admitted I’ve never read Little Women.

LE SIGH.