Friday Flotsam

FREEBIE FROOBIE FRIBAY. . . . day. I meant day.

What’s the deal with the purple shirt on the lady woman emoji?

Why purple? No one likes purple. Unless it’s a lavender shade, but it’s not. It’s a bright b-hole purple. And it’s supposed to represent human fashion choices?! Think again, Chachi.

Why can’t we design our own shirts? Sometimes I notice the dude ones are wearing blue, but even then, it’s not the BEST shade of blue there is. Who’s behind all this pantone betrayal?! Because every time I post a woman emoji all raising her hand one like “me!”, or doing the “I dunno!” hands, or putting one hand over her face all, “ugh” – that purple mess wrecks my psyche, man.

I don’t know why we can’t be wearing, oh – a black shirt. Or a cream! Or stripes! Or a nice terra cotta cotton gauze blouse with a dainty v-neck. I mean is that so much to ask?

How do we do this?! Does anyone know how to change our outfits? Or submit an email to the emoji council with an outlined proposal from the PEOPLE? I’m writing a letter to congress.

These are the things I think about at night and all the time.

GUYS!!!

(sorry, I get hyper.^)

Remember the other day when I asked you all about shows to watch that might fill the Fleabag void in my soul?

Well, it’s as if the New York Times HEARD MY CRY, and in my Thursday morning briefing (which by the way, do you subscribe to this? It is life giving. I skip all the depressing news and go straight to the culture and quizzes toward the bottom.) the T.V. critic gives us a straight-up LIST!

Apparently there’s a whole slew of us out there hungry for more Fleabag-style quirk. Have you heard of or watched any of the shows they list? Of course Crashing (I started, but only got 27 seconds in because my sister was here and she woke up from her own crashing right when I pushed play. ha! oh.) Then there’s My Mad Fat Diary (on Hulu), Please Like Me (also Hulu), and One Mississippi (TIG!! My fave – on Amazon). Have you seen any of these at all? Are they good? Lame? Skip? No? Hello?

Speaking of Tig Notaro, have you ever seen her little YouTube show Under a Rock? It is HEE-LAR. She like, doesn’t know famous people. So she interviews them and they give her clues and she sits there all, “Uhhhh I don’t know,” in that smooth nasal-y but warm delivery that only Tig can possess. It’s the best. Watch that very top one with Dawson. You’ll cry.

Have you ever noticed how, when the car door is locked, you try to open it really hard? And then realize it’s locked?

I don’t ever feel like I intentionally yank on a door handle, but when it’s locked and I think it’s unlocked, I’m forceful! And then I’m like, “Why did I try to open this door so viciously?” Perhaps it’s not really that hard, but my mind believe it’s locked, so I’m opening the door with the same amount of gusto, but it only feels more intense when my hand muscles realize the door handle is indeed locked.

Or maybe I’m opening the door handles with such force all the time, and I only realize it’s at an obnoxious Hulk Hogan level when it’s locked, revealing my inner extreme vigor.

Maybe I just need a taco.

Okay, tell me again how to get armpit stains out!

Is it – baking soda + water? Or baking soda + dawn dish soap + water + the hair of a chinchilla?

Or is it bleach + baking soda + car oil + last night’s nightmare?

Or is it baking soda + ivory soap + two whiffs of a baby’s bum?

I know we talked about this FOR-EVAR ago (sandlot style), but I can’t remember. And I could ask Google, yes, but you’re cuter.

Help me, I’m pooooor.

Weekend plans?

Today’s the kids’ last day of Kindergarten boot camp (I’m not crying, you’re crying), and Aaron’s in between writing jobs, so I think we’ll surprise them after school and head to the pool to look for Billy from Stranger Things.

On the book front – almost halfway through Dare Me! I like it, but I need something to happen happen. I feel like now that I typed out the words sumbudy’s GON’ DAH.

Weather front – 88 today, which means 94 which means more armpit stain removal party cursing time.

Food front – you saw this pasta, right? . . . Girlfriend.

Thrifting front – I pound a beautiful old cream gratin-shaped baking dish yesterday and all I can think about now is fall pasta bakes. Who here’s ready for fall eating?! <–Woman raising hand emoji in an OATMEAL THREE-QUARTER LENGTH LINEN TOP WITH A DAINTY GOLD CHAIN AROUND HER NECK.

Question – do you mow the lawn? Or your husband?