Friday Flotsam

FRID-EEEEEEEEY. FRID-HEEEEEEY. FRID-HAAAAAAY. friday.

Do you think those ear wax candle thingies are a myth? A legend? A hoax? A ripoff?

Because, you guys. I cannot hear anymore. My hearing is gone. All gone. Wiped away forever.

Between my kids constantly screaming down my eardrums, my dog barking at the mailman and any other speck of dust floating down the street, the remnants of my rock ‘n roll days (and I even wore earplugs!) and the creepy crawlies that I’m absolutely positive are sluggin’ their way into my ears at night while I sleep – I CANNOT HEAR.

Did you say something? Because I can’t hear you. And I seriously want to try those ear candles. I’m not sure if it’s just a massive Pee Wee Herman rubberband-style ball of wax all camped out in my ear holes, or if it’s real, actual, factual, permanent damage, but I need those dang candles. Mostly so I can say the words “ear wax candles”.

Do you use them? Have you used them? Are they like a neti pot for your ear tunnels?! How does it work? Is it all a lie? Will I be able to play the harp?

Also, if you decide to google image “ear wax candles,” don’t eat beforehand. Just helping you out there.

You know how in the mouthwash commercials, they challenge you to swish and gargle for 60 entire seconds?

THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE HAS EVER MADE IT TO 60 SECONDS.

No way. None.

I can’t even make it past 10 seconds before my face starts to fizz away from all the acid burning. I look like dude in Poltergeist where he rips his face off in the bathroom mirror. Then I spit out the mouthwash and my face comes back, same as dude’s.

This was way too much for a Friday morning, wasn’t it?

Also, we should start a band called Swish and Gargle. We’d be just awful.

Okay, so I need some MAJOR help.

Yes, more. And no, not that kind. And yes, that kind.

So, moms of littles – advice time.

I’ve got ooooone last beachy vacay on the calendar. But this time, I’m taking my whole brood with me. To the Dominican Republic. (!!) (I’m scared.) We’re going to be checking out the new all-inclusive Nickelodeon Resort next week in Punta Cana. (!!) They’re doing this big homage to all the classics that we grew up watching as kids, like You Can’t Do That on Television (hello, Alasdair! Swoon.), DOUBLE DARE (obsessed), Clarissa Explains It All (my life), Ren and Stimpy (super gross and amazing) – etc.

We’re even getting slimed, you guys. How will they slime us? I don’t know. (<–if you even understood that joke, you are definitely a product of ’90s T.V. And we are soulmates.)

But my anxiety in all of this? THE TRAVEL PART. What do I do with two tiny, curious, restless humans on a long flight? I’ve heard of “busy bags.” And of course screen time, toys, books, etc. But do you have any specific tips or advice you can give me (first-time-taker-of-small-gremlins-on-an-airplane-r.) so that I don’t end up drinking 14 bottles of wine on the plane and flirting with the captains?

Although that sounds kind of fun.

But not for Aaron.

(What are these “busy bags” and what do I put in them!?)

(I wonder if the captains will be cute.)

(I’m done.)

Okay I have more news.

And before I go any further, I just want to say that this place is a judgement-free zone. We’re all pals! All buds! All FRANZ.

I’m going on a skin journey, and I’m taking you with me. Pack your bags! (you don’t really have to pack the bags that I just mentioned.)

For the new few months, I’m going to be partnering up with a local skin doctor at the Kansas City Wellness Center, and we’re going to rejuvenate this 40-year old face of mine! Because Snapchat filters will only take you so far in life.

Let me just say, I’m not cutting my face. This isn’t a whole Nicolas Cage-style Face/Off situation.

Yet.

Only because Gisele Bundchen wasn’t available.

But I AM going to undergo a few rounds of Forever Young BBL, which means BroadBand Light. Aka: laser. Aka: removes skin spots, blotchy boos, etc. Aka: HOLLA BACK, Y’ALL.

Okay, you know your friends are already doing this, or you’ve been a bit curious about it all, or you’re nervous to talk about it. And we shouldn’t be! We should totally feel free to talk about putting needles on our face. (I put 17 needles in my belly for months at a time back in my infertile days, so this ain’t no thaaang.)

And it’s not about what other people think you need or don’t need. It’s aaaaall about what makes you feel good in your own skin. (<–haha! don’t punch me.)

I’m also testing out these ZO skin products that you see up there. So far, it’s intense! But I’m diggin’ it. It’s a total process. One for morning, and one for night. I even have instructions. An instruction card! I get giddy about anything involving instructions or cards.

I’ll be documenting most of this on Snapchat and Insta-stories (like, THE DOCTOR VISITS, you guys.) So come with meh! (And hold my hand.)

I miiiight even play around with something that rhymes with smlobox.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE INTO IT.

Weekend plans? Besides begging me to paint my toenails?

We’ve got a baby shower to attend. Busy Bags to put together. A lawn to mow. And ear wax candles to hunt down.

Wait, did you just say something? Because seriously, I can’t hear you.

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