Friday Flotsam

FRIDAY! And not only that- HALLOWEEN WEEKEEEND. (not even sorry to scream)

I cannot deal with dry cleaning. Any tag that says “dry clean only,” I’m like PASS. Actually, remember Mitch Hedberg’s old bit about dry clean only? “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means . . . it’s dirty.” Hahahah! My life. I miss Mitch.

But do you want to know what’s worse than dry clean only? HAND WASH. The worst. I avoid tags that say “hand wash in cold water” like.the.plague. I’ll never get around to it! I accidentally bought a shirt from Madewell that’s hand wash only, but I didn’t read the tag before I got it home. I bought it because it’s a dainty black and white striped little thing with an adorable sleeve cut. BUT IT’S HAND WASH ONLY. Which basically means it just sits on a chair upstairs in my bedroom for three weeks until I remember to grab the detergent from way the hay downstairs and haul it up to wash a freaking 3-inch piece of fabric.

Maybe I should pour a cup of detergent into a little tuberware thingy and stick it under my bathroom sink for these situations. WAIT, did I just invent a genius life hack? PATENT PENDING.

You know how people have their maj celebrity crushes? They’re all, “Ohhhh George!” and “Ohhhh Brad!” and “Ohhhh Donald Trump!” (just kidding) I’ve never been like that. I mean, I have nothing against George and Brad and Dona-eh, but they just don’t make my innards flip. I never have a good answer when anyone asks me what my ultimate celebrity crush is. (which is a lot. read: never)

But I figured it out! DUH, Paul Rudd. Hands down. Always and forever. My love first sparked for him in Clueless, and pretty much erupted and never settled in Wet Hot American Summer. “You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.”

You know he’s from here? (KC) And he goes to (almost) every Royals game. We’ve been watching the Royals this week in the World Series and while everyone else is following player stats and moves and whatever,  I’m like, “SHOW PAUL RUDD! WHERE IS PAUL RUDD! I NEED TO SEE PAUL RUDD!”

Now that’s a solid celebrity crush.

Wait! Paul Rudd and Bill Hader. Bill Hader for sure.

What are yours?! (should I even dare ask? I’m scared.)

^^ These are our costumes this weekend. I’m forcing Aaron and my parents to wear these to a party with a bunch of adults that they’ve never met. I’m the BEST.

What are you going as?! What are your kids going as!? I need all these details to survive, you know.

Oh! I’ve updated my Snapchat so that you can send me snaps. Woo hoo! I’ll be posting little Halloween hints tomorrow of what the kiddies are going to wear, so the first one to snap me the correct answer wins! I have no idea what you’ll win. I’ll snap you back and say, “YOU GUESSED IT!”

How’s that? Super exciting, huh?

Don’t answer that.

While I have you, (you’re totally gone, aren’t you?) – what’s your favorite song that has to do with fire? I asked Twitter yesterday, and surprisingly got a decent response. Which I’m surprised because I thought Twitter was basically dead. Do you still tweet? WHERE HAVE ALL THE TWEETERS GOOO-HOOOOOONE? (name that song)

Did I tell you we watched the new Poltergeist the other night? It was pretty good! The first half of the movie is way scarier than the second half. If you’ve seen it, I’m curious to know what you thought.

I’m begging my parents to watch the original, but my mom is already panicking about the nightmares she’s absolutely positive she’s going to have for the rest of her life. I’m like, “MOM. It’s not a big deal. The dad rips his own face off and eats maggots on a steak and chairs stack themselves on a table and dead people attack the mom in a swimming pool and the tree tries to eat the little boy and the little girl gets sucked into the TV. You’ll be fiiiiiiiine.”

Get yo’ Halloween.