O M G. I have the craziest dream to tell you all about! It’s about Justin Bieber. And I’m not even a Justin Bieber person. Perhaps my subconscious is? Ew.
Anyway, I had the dream earlier this week, but I wrote it all down the SECOND I woke up, so I could relay it to you! Don’t you feel so lucky? (you can maybe keep that answer silent)
I was dating Justin Bieber. But not the brooding blond, hot prison version of today. He was a slightly younger, but not swoopy-bangs, heart-hands younger! However, he still had brown hair. And he lived with his mom and younger brother, in a totally regular house, barely outside of a small town. It kind of looked like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, actually. The kitchen wasn’t even updated, you guys.
Also! The mom kept bowls of cereal with milk in them in a cabinet, so that breakfast was a cinch. How they didn’t get disgustingly soggy, I have no idea. That woman is a genius.
For the first few days our dating life was awesome. People sort of knew we were together. It was the buzz, and I was obviously so excited to be dating Justin Bieber. And theeeen one day I had this feeling that he was dating this other stupid lame girl, Chasity. But Chasity and I were kind of friends. Not CLOSE close, but friendly. I decided that I would get my good friend Ashlee to drive me to Justin Bieber’s house to ask if he was going to date HER OR ME. (with a hand fist in the air right at the end.) When I got to Justin Bieber’s house, he was outside playing with this enormous dog. But the dog looked like a giant turd, and not a dog. Like, I thought Justin Bieber was rolling around in a pile of poo. So I walked closer and was all, “Ohhh, that is a dog, and not a stack of turd. Good.”
So then, I asked Justin Bieber if he was dating Candace, and he got super quiet and nervous. I was like, “UNIBROW CHASITY, JUSTIN BIEBER? REALLY? Look, Justin Bieber. It’s totally okay. You’re like, 12 and I’m 80. I’m not about to get in a serious relationship with you. You don’t have to worry about me showing up unannounced all the time and eating your cabinet cereal. This is a light, no bigs thing, okay?” He just stared off at a haystack in the distance. He was also really sweaty. I remember liking that. Sick.
Then he stubbed his foot on something, and Ashlee was antsy to go, so we left him to deal with his swollen, stubbed foot. As I got in the car, I looked at him and he gave me this, “Serenity now!” expression, with his hands in the air. And we drove away.
I guess he was dating Chasity after all.
I waved goodbye to the turd dog. Forever.
. . . wait, did you x out?
One of my favorite things to do in life is to track something.
Specifically a package, or a storm.
And I get super announce-y with it, too, like, “Don’t worry, guys! I’m going to TRACK THE STORM.”
“Hold on, everyone- I’m going to TRACK THE PACKAGE.”
No one responds.
And it’s almost more satisfying to track the storm and/or package, than it is to actually receive the storm and/or package. It’s like, “Yay, it’s here!” OMG NOW WHAT. What am I supposed to do with my life now that it’s raining and I HAVE this culotte romper (<–true story), and I’m not tracking the status. Quick, order something else!
I have three packages “in transit” and I could not be more fulfilled in my life.
Let’s play a round oooooof: NAME THAT RANDOM MOVIE BEV CAN’T GET OUT OF HER HEAD.
- “We’re going to eat gas.”
- “Well, yessss, but – SEVEN?!”
- “Let us preserve us this moment in pictures.”
- “I’m all alone. We’re rolling a big doughnut, and this snake wearing a vest.”
- “It’s time for a tumble with the bundle.”
(please don’t delete me from your life)
Okay, I was at a happy hour last night with a gurlfran, and she told me about this author – Kristin Hannah. Do you know her? Sally (my friend) went on and on and on, basically crying all over herself, describing her books. Have you read any of them? Winter Garden, specifically? I swear, TODAY I’m going to charge my Kindle, trim my eyebrows, and get.back.into.reading.
(I have my clinched fist in the air again, you guys.)
Ugh, I’ve been giving all of my eye time to Jessica Fletcher, Dr. Mindy Lahiri, and Abbi and Ilana from Broad City. (<–which, by the way, if you’re not watching that show you’re not living life the way you should be.)
But I need moreeeeeaaaaaah. TV is definitely a true love for me, but I feel more satisfied when I READ.
(or track a package and/or a storm. you know.)
I’m taking books recs if you have ’em!
Is Winter Garden good? I’m already so excited.
Wait, does Justin Bieber have any books out?!
I’m just kidding.
We’re mostly chilling. AND TRACKING MY THREE PACKAGES. And reading! And mowing. And running. And swimming. And grilling. And meal planning. And doing summer.
Okay so, have things changed between us since I said the words “culotte romper?”
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