Didn’t see this comin’, did ya? I can give you a moment to let it sink in if needed. And so that you can locate your eyeballs that have probably fainted right out of their sockets and are rolling around under your kitchen table right now with the dust bunnies. OMG was that too much? […]
Ohhhh back to school. Back to school. To prove to dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight. I hope I don’t get in a fight OHHHHHH back to school. Back to sch – yeah okay I can chill. Let’s dry some fruit! Are you wondering why […]
I’m not even a little bit sorry. You know sometimes when you’re just doing your thing, like sweeping the living room floor and singing “Reflections” by the Supremes into the tip of the broom, and a random taste appears in your mouth out of nowhere, and you’re like WHAT IS THAT. WHAT. IS. THAT. And […]
T-minus 48 hours until I go on vacation, y’alls. Okay so what does “T-minus” mean anyway? I always feel like whoever says it needs to be wearing aviators, small headphones and a brown bomber jacket. Teddy bear-minus? Thunderstorm-minus? Tap shoes-minus? Tomato hummus-minus? I’m going to look it up. Hold on real quick . . . […]
Fiiiiiigaro, figaro, figaro, figaro, figaroooooooo. Sorry. I’m randomly using evaporated milk in my coffee this morning and I think it’s manipulating the oxygen flow to my brain muscle. I hereby do not take responsibility for what happens in this post from this point on. FIGS. Do you ever think about figs and the seductive wizardry […]
You know how David Spade says the word “salon” in the old SNL skit, with the accent on the first syllable? Like, SAlon? That’s the way I like to say salad. SAlad. But you have to say it like SAlod and change the way the second syllable sounds, sort of hollowing it out a little, […]
Low carb, schmow schmarb. I’m done. I hold up my white flag. I throw in my towel. I SURRENDER ALL, Y’ALL. And I’m such a freaking baby because I went, what, two entire meals without out them? Sheesh. Okay real quick, I just scraped a piece of chocolate off my neck. A piece of chocolate. […]
I guess I’m not a . . . total liar. After all, I guess it is possible to have too many bites of chewy on the inside, crusty on the outside pizza with melted, stringy mozzarella, or flaky biscuits with warm butter and jam . . . ugh, or freshly baked loaves of bread straight […]
(I need to take this moment to tell you that WordPress will not allow me to put tabs and spaces where I so desire, like in a research paper, so this entire post might look jank to the naked eye. A bottle of aspirin is advised. Thank you.) It’s AUGUST! Which normally I wouldn’t be […]
Saaaaaaaaaaa-lurp. Okay. I know you’re probably looking at those little scallops on top of those noodles and thinking you’ve seen this before somewhere, tucked neatly in a memory folder stored in that one dusty corner of your cerebrum. And you have! I kindasortamaybe made this back in April with soba noodles. But! I swapped out […]
