Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRguesswhat.

echinacea for days

It’s my birthday!

You’re like, “Well crap, now I’m obligated to read the rest of this post.”

DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE.

But you’ll like this. The other day the kids were (sort of) decorating these shoe boxes that they’re taking to school today that will act as their “Reading Treasure Boxes” for the rest of the year. They were instructed to decorate the boxes how they please. Go crazy! Fabric, lace, stickers, anything. Get super creative and make them theirs, right? So of course Nat wants the glitter. And I say, in my best Madame Gazelle from Peppa Pig voice, “No glittah! It vill get…evrywheeeeh!” Yet I totally still let them.

BUT, Nat somehow slyly convinced me that if *I* open the glitter bottle, she can reach in and pinch out just how much she needs and that it will be fine, mom. So I try to open the glitter bottle. And it’s hard to open. Like, stuck. So I pry, make a weird face, pry a little more, little baby cursey slips out under my breath, pry a little more and – LID FLIES OFF GLITTAH IS EVRYWHEEEEEEH!

I sit, paralyzed in a sea of glittery gold dots all over my legs, lap, couch, rug, life. Nat, calm but clearly panicked, “It’s okay, Mom. This is okay. We’ll get it up. Wow, okay, it’s okay.”

And Will said, in the steadiest, most nonchalant voice, “Mom, are you having a total nightmare right now?”

Kids knows me.

The end.

(and I laughed.)

(and still have glitter in my crotch.)

(bye.)

pizza at crossroads hotel

You guys we’re going camping.

In a month and a half, we’re going camping with like, thirty of our close friends. But it’s already looming.

I feel like Bernadette Fox in the way she was frantically preparing for Antarctica. Nervous, anxious, ordering all the things. (except I don’t have a spy/assistant from the other side of the world “ordering” for me. maybe.)

I don’t camp. I don’t like to sleep outside with roaches and mosquitoes and bears and snakes and alligators. Like my sister says, “Camping sure is paying a lot of money to act like you’re homeless.” <—-YERP.

I mean, I get it. Cozy flannel and fire pits and acoustic guitar singalongs and s’mores and the twinkling night sky.

NO.

I think what will help me is if I think about camping STYLE. This is how I can get through the weekend. (well, and wine.) We have our tent, we have our sleeping bags and air mattresses and cooler. We need CHAIRS. CAMPING CHAIRS. But I don’t want to look like an extra on Duck Dynasty, so y’alls better tell me some hip camping chair brands. It’s my birthday, you have to!

And any other camping essentials and tips. Oh! I wonder if I could get that one drug that Bernadette Fox takes and falls asleep in that lobby with her fishing vest on! It’s totally legal, right?

backyard zinnias

You know how in ’90s hip hop, the rappers always call out the year? Like, in the middle of a song, “Nineteen Ninety FIIIIIVE!” Or “Yo, dropping it like Ninety Three!” Or, “Yeaaaah Nineteen Ninety ONE!”

Why doesn’t Celine Dion ever do that? Or Sarah McLachlan?

“My HEART WILL GO OOOOON IN NINETEEN NINETY SEVEEEEEEN.”

“I will reeeeeeember Nineteen Ninety Fouuuuuur.”

Or even Wilson Phillips. “HOLD ON FOR ONE DAY IN NINETEEN NINETY TWOOOOO.”

I just really feel like they missed the mark there.

charcuterie tray

Have you ever noticed how when you order an Uber (is that even the way to say that? Order? “Yeah I’ll take one clean Uber please with a non-murdery driver. Thanks.”) – it always says, “Connecting you to eight nearby drivers.”

Eight. It’s always eight drivers. Not five. Not twelve. Eight. And I can preeeeeetty much guarantee it ain’t eight. I think they say EIGHT just to make you feel safe and not completely deserted forever. “Let’s just tell her eight so she doesn’t panic and start barf crying.”

When we all know it’s one car. Far away. With a rattling muffler, a unibrow and a weird smell in the seats.

But it said eight so we’re fine!

(Also, do you Uber or Lyft? Which one’s better? It’s my birthday, you have to tell me!)

cacti at Crossroads Hotel

Weekend plans?

You’ve probably figured out by now that it’s my birthday. THE BIG FORTY THREE. #jowls So naturally we’re going to play Pickleball with my parents today. I’ve never played! But I’m killer at ping pong and semi-okay at tennis, so I feel like I got this. Wait, what do people wear at Pickleball? I feel like I somehow need to dress like young Lucille Ball on a vintage tennis court.

Am I close?

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13 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Kristin August 23, 2019 at 7:22 am #
    Happy birthday! We recently returned from two weeks of camping (including three nights in a primitive campground...pit toilets and no sinks), and we promptly ordered cots. Getting up off the air mattress is just too hard these days, but we are ten years older than you. Plus, you can stow all of your other cra...I mean gear...UNDER the cots, making it easier to move in the tent without falling all over everything.
  2. Melanie August 23, 2019 at 8:26 am #
    Happy Birthday!!! You don’t look a day over 25! I like camping, however I need a loud fan to sleep, so if there is no electric I ain’t camping! Enjoy!
  3. Emie August 23, 2019 at 9:08 am #
    GCI chairs - so comfortable and they are freakin' rocking chairs! https://www.gcioutdoor.com/rockers/ Definitely pack a bottle or gallon of bug spray :)
  4. Nancy August 23, 2019 at 9:30 am #
    Happy Birthday! Your flowers are gorgeous! We used to have a Coleman chair that was very low to the ground and was a sling style for lack of a better word. It was so comfortable, but don't even know if they make it anymore. A string of lights might brighten up your campsite so you feel like you're Glamping :) If you can get your hands on some Avon Skin So Soft, I swear it keeps the mosquitoes away! Enjoy Pickleball, whatever that is??? I couldn't tell by the website but I didn't look too hard!
  5. Autumn August 23, 2019 at 10:24 am #
    happpppppppyyy birthday Bev!!! that's all :) OH and I'm with ya on the glitter! noooo
  6. Kaye August 23, 2019 at 11:08 am #
    Happy birthday and so much truth to your seester's comment! LOL! Have fun at pickleball...apparently that's a big thing know and I saw a bar/restaurant in Wichita that had oodles of courts and it was PACKED! Photos please and YES YES YES to the Lucille Ball outfit!
  7. Jennifer August 23, 2019 at 4:30 pm #
    Happy birthday! Sry about the glitter. It reminded me of my daughter's kindergarten book box decorating. She poured elemers glue all over the lid and stuck a plastic bubble wand to it. I about died. (She attends the school where I teach.) But don't ya know that we still have that box 6 years later?
  8. Rebekah S August 23, 2019 at 5:22 pm #
    Cots are the way to go BUT make sure you add padding between you and the cot or all the night cold air will make you freeze all night.
    • Kristin August 23, 2019 at 8:10 pm #
      Good tip! We have camping pads, and might even see if the air mattress can go on top of the cots. My husband ordered LARGE cots, which is good, because I am a side sleeper!
  9. Nicole August 24, 2019 at 8:22 pm #
    Happy Birthday !!! Lyft always seems cheaper. At least in New Orleans it was. Camping is great until bedtime.
  10. Tracy August 25, 2019 at 2:40 pm #
    HAPPY Birthday!!! You don't look a day over 33 :) Love your sister's comment on camping! I 100% agree. My idea of vacation involves luxury accommodations! Right?! But truthfully, you'll probably have an amazing time with your family.
  11. Kayle (The Cooking Actress) August 26, 2019 at 8:58 pm #
    omg..the glitter story. It's so funny (and so tragic. RIP to your house, it prob needs burned down now).
  12. Kylie August 29, 2019 at 11:55 am #
    Happy Birthday!! As I was reading this weeks Friday Flotsam, I started thinking I wish you'd write a book! I know you like a good novel but yours would be more like Mindy Kaling style, did you read 'Is everyone hanging out without me?' Its sooo your talking style. OK? Cool thanks!

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