Friday Flotsam

FRRRRRRRee! Tree. Tri. Dri. Di. Fri. Day.

pants and plants

You know how people always say, “Sorry to beat a dead horse.” That old phrase, ya know? Where did that come from? It’s so dark! And awful. How does one just throw that visual out there all casually in conversation? And why a horse? Who came up with horse? Why stop at horse?

Why not a pony? “Sorry to beat a dead pony, you guys.”

I don’t see how it’s any more gruesome than a horse.

“Sorry to beat a dead Shetland pony, you guys.”

It’s practically the same thing.

“Sorry to beat a creamy white, hazel-eyed dead Scottish Shetland pony, you guys.”

“Sorry to beat a creamy white, hazel-eyed blue ribbon State Fair winner named Princess, dead Scottish Shetland pony, you guys.”

“Sorry to beat a creamy white, hazel-eye blue ribbon State Fair winner with one of those hand-knitted sweaters that goes all the way down their front legs and you want to cry it’s so cute named Princess, dead Scottish Shetland pony, you guys.”

OH SO THAT’S TOO FAR?

dolce cakes

We’ve noooow entered the “knock knock who’s there” phase of parenthood, and let me tell you something with deep sadness and regret: my kids DO NOT GET IT.

We’ve tried everything. Different version of puns. The interrupting cow. The classics. And this is what Will keeps coming up with:

“Knock knock!” – all wide-eyed and brimming with excitement.

Us, fearing the tragedy ahead, “Um okay, who’s there.”

Him, “A cow that has to pee really bad out of his ears!”

Us, wondering if it’s too late to remove his name from the will, “A cow that has to pee really bad out of his ears WHO.”

Him, and I’m serious, every time, ever single time, “Eh!” – with a twist of his head, one hand in the air as if to say, “I dunno!” and giggles galore between him and his conspiring SLASH CLUELESS sister.

What do we do, you guys?! How do we fix this developmental shortcoming?! What will I tell my parents?! HOW CAN I LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.

Clearly this is when I need you most. If you have any knock-knock jokes that were breakthroughs for your children, please lend a helping hand. They cannot go through life as a child not understanding the basic fundamentals of humor.

PRISON WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS.

hands in cherries

I will say, on that note, that Will did make an incredible joke the other day, and I need to share it with the world.

It floored me.

Like, he’s back in the will.

I was asking Nat before school how she wanted her hair; down, in a braid, in two braids, in a pony (the creamy white, hazel-eyed blue ribbon state fair winner with one of those hand-knitted sweaters that go all the way down their front legs and you want to cry it’s so cute, named Princess Scottish Shetland pony. that one.), or a messy bun. (not that it matters, by the end of hour one it ends up looking like a squirrel died on her head.) And she chirped, “Braid! Today I want a braid.”

And Will, without a beat, to the tune of the Wizard of Oz classic, (AND IN PERFECT TUNE) sings, “If I onlyyyyy had a braiiiiiiid.”

THIS IS WHY I HAD CHILDREN. TO RAISE THEM TO MAKE PUNS WHILST SINGING CLASSIC MUSICAL HITS. AND HE DID IT #$%ING PERFECTLY.

Drops. Mic.

cool planters

Mixtape Poooooolllllllllllllla!:

For June, WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE:

  1. A piano mixtape. Like pretty piano songs. A little bit classic, a little bit French, a little ethereal, you know.
  2. ’90s hip hop. Probably a LOT of familiar tunes, but still fun to listen to all collected together. There’d be cursing in it, so don’t get mad at me.
  3. Another ’80s mixtape. I already have one, but there’s obviously always room for more ’80s music in our ears’ lives.
  4. And lastly, a Clunk mixtape. Which will mean something to only a tiny select few. Clunk Music Hall was an indie music hall (duh) that I frequented weekly, if not more, back in my 20s. So it would be indie music that I either saw there, discovered there, or listened to with friends in the parking lot with my short and wild bleached blonde ‘do. . .there.

So cast your vote and I’m AWN it like APHIDS ON A HONEYSUCKLE VINE, yo.

what?

kids in the garden

Weekend plans?

We’re shooting Season 3 of my Food Network show, Mom Wins! It all starts today, so I need to get one last run and 75 thousand sit-ups and push-ups in before they arrive. I’ll be posting in Stories when I can, so you can follow along IFYAWN’T.

Yes that’s a fake plant. I brought it outside last second from our basement to add more lush for the shoot. TRICKERY.

I already can’t wait for your knock-knock jokes and mixtape votes.

Aaaaaand go.

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35 Responses to Friday Flotsam

  1. Rebekah S May 17, 2019 at 7:49 am #
    I vote piano music. We always started with the knock knock joke where you say banana FOREVER and then finally say orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
  2. Nicole May 17, 2019 at 8:45 am #
    Don't mind me, I'm just gonna sit here and refresh this page every hour or so until that '90s hip hop playlist shows up...
  3. Jessica May 17, 2019 at 9:03 am #
    My favorite kid joke: "How do you make a tissue dance? You just put a little boogie in it." The kid joke that my kids took so long to get, I got concerned for their development: "What did zero say to eight? Nice belt."
  4. Nicole May 17, 2019 at 9:03 am #
    We are supposed to choose from the mixtape list? Seems like we deserve all 4, wouldn’t you say?
    • Bev Weidner May 17, 2019 at 9:14 am #
      Oh they're all coming! I just need to know which one is coming first. :)
      • Nicole May 18, 2019 at 8:15 pm #
        Oh ok, I vote indie to start then!! ☺️
  5. Suzanne Theis May 17, 2019 at 9:36 am #
    My 5 year old grand daughter, Kyleigh, is into the "Why did the (insert whatever item you recently saw) cross the road" jokes. She also doesn't get it at all. "Why did the cow cross the road? To see the cloud." Huh?
  6. Heather May 17, 2019 at 9:40 am #
    I vote piano tooooo!!! PS the whole fam bam loves your mixed tapes so thank you for all you do xoxoxo
  7. Mary Clarendon May 17, 2019 at 9:40 am #
    Clunk!!! Also interrupting star fish was my personal fave.
  8. Cathmum May 17, 2019 at 10:07 am #
    No jazz. Pls No piano. Pls Fun upbeat indi summer outside on the patio
  9. Reagan May 17, 2019 at 10:11 am #
    90's hip hop forever...the end
  10. Nancy May 17, 2019 at 10:17 am #
    First off, do you know what a Living Will is? :) Just asking because that's sort of my job. I'm sure you do but I just have to be sure you know what it really is because I'm like that. Annoying, huh? For the mixtape, I'm going with Clunk. And Finally, Knock Knock. Who's there? Ya. Ya Who? Wow, I’m excited to see you too! Have a good weekend!
  11. Joy Elkins May 17, 2019 at 10:35 am #
    90s Hip Hop!!!
  12. Jeanette May 17, 2019 at 10:41 am #
    Clunk it up baby!!!
  13. Tara May 17, 2019 at 10:41 am #
    90s hip hop for summer please!!! My kids do not get the knock knock jokes either so I’ve got nothing for you. Around Halloween they watched a Sesame Street where Elmo makes the joke, what do you give a ghost? Boo berries was the answer. They are still rocking that joke 🤦🏼‍♀️.
  14. Toni Durr May 17, 2019 at 10:53 am #
    "Like a squirrel died on her head"...bwahahahahaha...better than ANY knock knock joke!
  15. Julie May 17, 2019 at 11:15 am #
    90's hip hop please!
  16. JenRen May 17, 2019 at 11:54 am #
    I don't know, my 7 year old still doesn't really get the knock knock jokes, or the why did the chicken cross the road thing either. There must be an intellectual explanation for this that some child development specialist person would know...but that's not me. :) I love the piano mix tape idea!! Perfect to put on at cocktail hour!!
  17. Erin Winter May 17, 2019 at 12:08 pm #
    Nothing but a G thang baby.........Come on, need you ask???
  18. Stef May 17, 2019 at 12:11 pm #
    Please don't take any more votes and do the CLUNK one alreaaaaady! the 90's will always be there. If the inspiration has hit you to find all of these songs, run with it and don't look back, baby. Also we will take fun 90s for July. Think of the bbq's and independence day picnics needing the 90s funk in the background. June needs to mellow out, man. We have kindergartners that just GRADUATED, man. We need some chill indie clunk. man.
  19. Marielle Harrington May 17, 2019 at 12:56 pm #
    CLUNK!!! Please.
  20. Ashley May 17, 2019 at 1:04 pm #
    So my kids still struggle with the logic of knock-knock jokes, too (they're 5 and 3). We get told a lot of jokes for the insane over here, too. But the first one that my son seemed to really "get" and successfully retell: "Knock Knock Who's There? Ach Ach who? Bless you!"
  21. Peekiesmom May 17, 2019 at 1:05 pm #
    Knock knock Who’s there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub, I’m dwowning Funniest when your kids are getting out of the bathtub!
  22. Anonymous May 17, 2019 at 2:06 pm #
    90s!
  23. Kelly @ Turned up to Eleven! May 17, 2019 at 3:03 pm #
    What about the "Banana, Banana" ... "Orange you glad I didn't say Banana knock knock joke? I'm all for the 90's Hip Hop - take me back to High School Lady! [I'll totally dig out my name plate ring, and Bulls Starter Jacket in honor of this mix. And no, I'm not kidding].
  24. Emily M May 17, 2019 at 3:14 pm #
    My 5yo is awful with the Knock-Knocks too. I like everyone's suggestions though. Definitely introducing some of those to her this weekend!! I want all the song lists. In whatever order you choose. I too agree the "dead horse" comment is actually really awful. I am striking that from my jargon/vocab/life immediately!!
  25. Wendy May 17, 2019 at 6:30 pm #
    Strap yourself in... they apparently don’t get it until 2nd-ish grade. My 8 year old can knock-knock at last. But my 5 yr old is putting us through another round of the bad knock-knocks. Clunk...indie mix tape for sure!!!
  26. Susan May 18, 2019 at 6:17 am #
    You might be too young to remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, but whenever my hubby sees someone who's hair is really jacked up, he says "Hmmmm, they must've used mousse AND squirrel in their hair today"
  27. Kayle (The Cooking Actress) May 18, 2019 at 7:23 pm #
    You know what's really awful about the dead horse phrase? HERE'S where it came from: when you'd travel by carriage or wagon etc. sometimes you'd whip the horse to make them go but if they were exhausted, malnourished, etc. sometimes they'd end up collapsing and dying, unable to go on, and some terrible people would just idiotically keep whipping them as if they would magically come back to life at that point. And that is where the phrase comes from. I'm sorry that I've given you this knowledge.
    • Ciara May 27, 2019 at 5:10 pm #
      I've learned something new today! interesting haha!
  28. Julie May 19, 2019 at 5:34 pm #
    Knock. Knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo Who? Don't cry, it's just a joke!
  29. Jenn P May 20, 2019 at 3:31 am #
    90s hip hop!!!! My second choice would be Clunk, but only because I have terrible taste in music and any chance I get to listen to something new is good for me.
  30. Zhenya May 20, 2019 at 7:15 am #
    My kids love the interrupting cow and interrupting lawyer jokes. But they still make up their own — terrible — knock knock jokes that no one understands. Also, piano.
  31. Becky K. May 20, 2019 at 9:16 pm #
    Bring on the clunk funk! I love discovering new indie artists and your playlists have opened my horizons. Show us what you got. My newly turned 5 year old doesn’t get jokes yet either. I’m a teacher and I’d say 2nd grade is that magical year when things start clicking on the sarcasm and joke front.
  32. Janel Fuhrman May 23, 2019 at 8:00 pm #
    Is it too late to vote? Piano!

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