Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

Also known as, the year I turned to Botox.

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

Awwww, would ya look at that? Such innocence, such sweetness, such unbridled sibling adoration and the tender formation of lifelong bonds.

SUCH LIES.

Well, it’s been another year with the gremlins! Another year of personal growth and mental development, of baby-step maturing, of bodies morphing and changing, a year of . . . self discovery, if you will.

The kids have changed a little bit, too.

Let’s take a look at what I’ve lived and learned in the last 525,600 minutes, shall we?

  1. The Last Goodbye:

It’s 7:30pm. Everyone’s eaten. Kids are bathed. Widdle teefies are brushed, books are read, “Letters” (Wheel of Fortune) has been watched and botched, and your gremies are tucked soundly in bed. You’re a mere precious seconds away from pouring some wine, plopping down on the sofa and letting your eyes roll back to the darkest corner of your psyche, when . . .

“Moooom! I need milk!” “No you don’t, you just brushed your teeth, go to sleep.”

“Moooom! I need water!” “You’ve already had water, go to sleep.”

“Moooom! I need another song!” “No you don’t, I sang you 18 songs, plus the guitar solo in “November Rain”, go to sleep.”

“Mooooooom! I need more books!” “No you don’t, I just read 192 books, including the first French edition of books Q-X of the Encyclopedia Britannica, go to sleep.”

“Moooooooooom! I just figured out the solution to climate control!”  “No you didn’t, you’re 2, go to sleep.”

“Mooooooooooooom! Will says that the Industrial Revolution was neither industrial nor a revolution. Is that true?” “What? I . . . I have no idea, go to sleep.”

Where do we stand on whiskey milk?

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

2) Gotta Goooo Bathroom! (name that movie):

Did you know that between the ages of two and three, every single human being on this planet needs to know when your child needs to pee/poop/toot/pick a booger? They do. Just in case you didn’t know that. They NEED to know. And they need to know of this bodily function before it happens, during the happening, and especially after. Because other humans will not be able to survive in their lives unless they are aware of what’s going on inside your child’s anus and/or slimy nostril.

On top of the actual awareness, people desperately need to be told of these animal occurrences in various ways. Obviously, because one method of T.M.I. isn’t nearly enough for a toddler.

  1. There’s announcing. “TOOT!” The easiest, obvious highway of obnoxious message transporting.
  2. There’s jumping around in the all-too familiar pee-pee dance, gripping one’s crotch and grunting while veins pop out of their tiny, red mucus faces.
  3. There’s the repressed poo-poo stress prance, in which your child runs from room to room emitting a high-pitched squawk, only neighborhood tree owls can assimilate the true level of COMPLETE FREAK OUT that is occurring inside the home walls.
  4. Aaaand there’s the proud presenting of the harvested treasure booger gold. To everyone. Friends. Neighbors. Strangers. A stray dog.

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

3) You’re a Very Naughty Teddy!

“…You must promise, never to wander off evah again! I’m sorry, Peppa. I promise!”

I hear these words in my sleep. They bounce around in my cerebrum like a coked up hummingbird chasing a ping pong ball.

CURSES, PEPPA PIG.

If your child hasn’t fallen into the deadly grip of Peppa Pig just yet, save yourself!

Truthfully, I don’t mind Peppa. It’s cute. It’s British. It’s like six minutes long. They’re simple cartoons with easy plot lines. It’s basically a bunch of giggly animals on their backs laughing at nothing 100% of the time.

Something that does bother me though, – and this is critical on all ethical and moral levels, as our sponge-minded children soak up the wise teachings of Peppa Pig, is: their blatant lack of alliteration when it comes to baby George!

Uhhhh hello – Peppa Pig, Suzy Sheep, Rebecca Rabbit, Rosie Rabbit, Robbie Rabbit, Danny Dog, Emily Elephant, Candy Cat, Pedro Pony, Zoe Zebra, Delphine Donkey, Freddy Fox, Kylie Kangaroo, Gabriella Goat, Gerald Giraffe, Goldie the Goldfish, THEN GEORGE PIG. Poor George! You know important alliteration is to my verbal world – why do this to me?!

I’m giving him a new name. Paul Pig. Pauly Pig. Peter Pig! PETER Pig. Seriously, how hard was that?

WHO’S ON THEIR BACKS GIGGLING NOW, WRITERS?

I will say. And this is free – one mom trick I have to get Will and Nat to do whatever I tell them, is to go, “Peppaaaaa! Geooooooorge! (like the way Mommy Pig constantly does in the show, in her soothing British accent), “Why don’t you empty the dishwasher and hang up all the laundry while Mommy cries as she watches her jowls continue to sag into her lap.”

Also, Daddy Pig makes me want to punch everything.

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

4) You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!:

If I’ve learned one single thing from being a mom of young twins, it is this: YOU GIVE BOTH CHILD THE EXACT SAME TOY, ITEM OF CLOTHING, OR FOOD PARTICLE. OR LOSE AN EYE.

You don’t mess around with your own demise.

The end.

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

5) Is my kid broken?

This, my friends, is the underlying, ever-nagging truth of what moms live and breathe on an hourly basis, every single day. Is my kid broken?

(cue serious music. probably like, a violin. or an ’80s synthesizer.)

Admittedly, it’s hard not to compare my kids. There, I said it. But, when you have a boy and a girl, at the exact same age, in the exact same surroundings, on the exact same schedule, around the exact same people, day in and day out, you can’t help but sometimes exhaust, “Why aren’t you getting this?!” WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER. (you guys, I don’t really think that.) (all the time.)

Good news is, I’ve come a long way on this in the last year. (meaning, I’m not in a constant pit of worry and assumptions) Truthfully, I’ve been on the fence with writing about this particular subject. It’s just not something I verbally (no pun) parade around, because for a while, I didn’t know what it meant. If it meant everything, anything, or nothing. Or maybe it meant I just needed a pizza.

It’s Will’s speech. While it’s (adorably) choppy and (sweetly) slurry, he’s just not where he should be. (And of course as soon I started writing about this he said two entire sentences, both of which I understood completely.) But, he’s no Natalie in that department. Which you know, could just be a boy thing! (as a mom, you give yourself all these blanket solutions, just to survive. you feel me?) We’re in the works to get speech therapy going, and I’m just dying to see how much this helps him.

This is the thing. Every kid is broken. Every single kid (and adult for that matter) is broken.

But that’s GOOD. Perfect is boring. We need speed bumps and trips and surprise quirks of individuality that sort of remind us of our primal, familial roles. SUPPORT. FOUNDATION. LOVE, and all the other horribly cheesy words that mean FAMILY. (I swear more jokes are coming.)

I want Will no other way. He’s an incredibly smart little dude, and he’s going to be more than fine.

p.s. So will your kid.

Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

To recap!

In this last year I’ve given worse haircuts than humanly possible. I failed at potty training, but I’m not beating myself up over it. We’ll get it right soon enough. We had complete meltdowns in restaurants and we ate ice cream after our teeth were brushed. Sometimes, we didn’t even brush our teeth.

We lost every single puzzle piece to every single puzzle. We bathed when we wanted to, not when we needed to. I scared them half to death with fizzy bath balls, not once, but twice. Once I accidentally put Benadryl cream on their toothbrushes instead of toothpaste. Nat spent half the year with her pony tail in a crunchy dread lock, for crying out loud.

I didn’t get it all right. No way, man. Maybe 23% right? If that.

But we loved, and we loved hard. And we laughed and we snuggled and we grew and we cried and we learned and we snuggled some more. Sometimes, that’s all you need to do.

(and I guess brush your teeth.)

(but not with Benadryl cream.)

(okay bye.)

This time last year.

This time two years ago.

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25 Responses to Thoughts on This Whole Motherhood Business: Year Three

  1. Lindsay January 17, 2017 at 9:03 am #
    You are one of the best, funniest, and most wonderfully truthful mommas ever. You keep it real on the reg, and that is truly admirable. The grems are very lucky indeed. Loves to you and your sweet family, and happy belated to Nat and Will! 💛💛
  2. Kathy Gower January 17, 2017 at 9:31 am #
    I find this book is really helpful for understanding why boys grow differently. I often recommend this to teachers of boys (especially female teachers who want them to be like girls) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Cain-Protecting-Emotional-Ballantine/dp/0345434854/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1484666934&sr=8-8&keywords=raising+boys
  3. Jen January 17, 2017 at 9:58 am #
    My boy/girl twins are now seven...and it's been quite the process to train myself not to compare them....especially boys vs. girls...such a drastic difference. When they were two months old, and my daughter wouldn't quit screaming her face off, I took them to the dr. The dr asked what was going on, and I pointed at each child (he was sleeping peacefully in his car seat, and she was still screaming her face off)...I said, "I NEED her to be like HIM!" (ASAP ) That's when I learned about colic. ;) Even now, it's a maturity thing (or lack thereof) for my son vs daughter-...to which, I've told my daughter that immature boys will be something she will deal w/ for the rest of her life! ;) I love reading your blog. You've got this mom thing down!
  4. Ashley January 17, 2017 at 10:03 am #
    I can't even express how much I've loved watching these littles grow up, thank you SO MUCH for sharing them with us!
  5. Sandy January 17, 2017 at 10:55 am #
    ok as a mother of boy/girl twins I relate to EVERYTHING you talked about. especially #4. oh #4 :/ so the speech thing. I took my son (when he was almost 2, he's almost 4 now) for a speech evaluation because he lagged behind his sister who of course I was comparing him to. actually found out when certain sounds are supposed to develop and he wasn't behind at all. For example, he says the y sound for l (calling his sister Yiyy-y instead of Lilly) and that sound isn't supposed to be mastered until like age 5/6 and only then should I be concerned or have to consider him for speech therapy. So you may be surprised when you get him evaluated. and yes. it will all be ok. :)
  6. Nic G January 17, 2017 at 11:32 am #
    Hello! I love this, thanks for sharing! My girl/girl twins will be three in April and OMG #4! I spent from September until Christmas telling all family members that now is not the time to encourage individuality by giving different gifts/clothes/toothbrushes/anything. I mean, have you ever had to give the non-sick twin FAKE Tylenol from a syringe??? Who knew that was even a thing?
    • Heather January 21, 2017 at 7:57 pm #
      Haha, so I'm not the only only who has to fake out the non-sick twin?!
  7. Emily K January 17, 2017 at 11:48 am #
    Love this. I too, compare my 1.5 year old boy/girl twins. They are so different and do things so different. They wave different. They say "ball" different. But I wouldn't have it any other way. We are also obsessed with Peppa Pig in our house, and I secretly like it. I'm going to theme my 4 year old's birthday party it this year. And its gonna be all about Georgie!
  8. Rose January 17, 2017 at 12:50 pm #
    Happy 3 yrs of MotherHood!! When my 2nd son was younger, I didn't realize that he was having speech difficulties. I mean, my husband, his brother and I could understand him just fine. But outside family members couldn't understand him. Off to speech classes we went for a couple of years. He did great! It was mostly articulation! Will, will be Fine!!! My son is now 28 and I had totally forgotten that he struggled for a short time!
  9. Karla villarreal January 17, 2017 at 1:42 pm #
    I know what you mean. (I have triplets). I looooved your post. We are going to turn out just fine. Hold on..hahahaha cute twins of yours. Cute outfits (even the diapers only). Inspirational blog. I am glad i follow you.
  10. Jamie Avlakeotes January 17, 2017 at 2:09 pm #
    I've been following you for about three years now. I have a five year old boy and a one year old girl. You make me smile... even laugh after a long day. But this post just put me in tears, its so sweet. Thank you. For your honesty, humour and recipes. 😊
  11. Jennifer C. January 17, 2017 at 2:34 pm #
    I spend a lot of time with boy/boy twins that are almost 3 and they hardly talk at all! I thought it was because they are boys and that they are twins (like they can read each others minds and that was enough conversation for them). Then I spent some time with my friends son who's almost 2 and he's talking in complete sentences. So...I'm back to the mind reading theory. I'm sure they are fine. I'm sure Will's fine!
  12. Andrea January 17, 2017 at 2:45 pm #
    My son didn't utter a decipherable word until he was four. Some kids read at 3 years old, my other son didn't read on his own until he was 8. Now he's a straight A grade 10 student. Don't let the experts worry you with their charts and milestones and graphs and bell curves. Love hard, pay attention, celebrate and thank God, that they are all different,--- and intervene when there is reverse or no progression. PS Will is a guy AND he's got someone to do the speaking form.
  13. Erica January 17, 2017 at 4:25 pm #
    Love all of this. Thanks for sharing ❤
  14. Brandy January 17, 2017 at 5:35 pm #
    ohhhhmygarsh - i just read all 3 installations and they were adorable! (this from a 45 year old step-monster-lady who never had her own babies, but rather went straight into parenting teenagers - insert big freaky eye emoji). now that i have ready all installations, one question remains: what in the world was "bayo mayas"??? lol...
    • Brandy January 17, 2017 at 5:37 pm #
      *read
  15. Kayle (The Cooking Actress) January 17, 2017 at 7:28 pm #
    lovelovelove this. Happy 3 years of awesome mom-dom
  16. Katie @ Live Half Full January 17, 2017 at 8:42 pm #
    Oh my goodness this had me laughing out loud! My son is one and this is making me so excited/terrified for years to come.
  17. Jeannie January 17, 2017 at 9:08 pm #
    You are a gem to your family and all of us that you share your awesome stories, tv shows, clothes, music and food! I have laughed and cried to your beautiful and real posts! My daughter is a wonderful 15 year old and you bring back fond memories and some not so fond( but you do it with such heart and your twins are dolls!!!
  18. Klara Donovan January 17, 2017 at 10:04 pm #
    I adore everything about this. Parenting, perfectly summed up! Plus, I've only got one kid, and he's just a wee 16-month-old. You have given me much to "look forward to".
  19. Nicole January 17, 2017 at 11:00 pm #
    I don't have twins. I have a 3.9 yo and 21 mo. When my 3 yo was two I expressed my concern about his speech to our child health nurse who said it was fine. She sensed my worry and had him referred to a speech pathologist. It took them six months to see him due to high demand and lack of funding. He has a mild speech delay. He began group classes at 3.6 and has improved out of sight. And as a wonderful side effect, he's suddenly interested in visual letters, writing his name and "What does that say, Mum?" As a teacher and parent, I'm a big believer in getting things checked if you're concerned. It could be nothing, it could be something
  20. Natalia January 18, 2017 at 6:55 am #
    thank you for sharing your adventures with these two cuties, ive loved reading all your posts and seeing their happy faces! this post is perfect, those kiddos have one great mama!
  21. Jessica Jones January 18, 2017 at 7:51 pm #
    Thank you for this funny, beautiful and REAL summary of motherhood. It is exactly what I needed to read right now
  22. Heather January 21, 2017 at 8:06 pm #
    Happy (late) birthday Will & Natalie!! I think if I had just one kid I'd be so much harder on myself to meet kid milestones etc. but starting off twins I gave myself some slack and I'm so thankful to have been pushed into that mentality. My twins turned 2 in Nov and oh the drama! Motherhood hug for getting this far!
  23. francyface January 27, 2017 at 11:34 am #
    AMEN! to #4! My two (1 boy, 1 girl) are 1 year, 4 days part I ALWAYS match up gifts - what one gets, the other gets the same or a mirror of because ain't nobody got time for the fallout if I do otherwise. Except for my husband - apparently he has time. "Sometimes it's fun to have something your brother or sister doesn't have." he says. "They can play with it together." he says. Ha!

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