F A R I D A Y E E E .
I had this crazy dream just now.
I was in a car wreck! Not a horrible one, but not a tiny fender bender, either. It was a chain wreck, like the kind you see on the local news from a helicopter, where a dude with a mustache reports in a fuzzy, reportery voice, and shows footage from above of the long line of cars slammed into each other on a highway. That kind.
I wasn’t even too upset about the wreck, because nobody had any clue whose fault it was. I was mostly upset about the way the city was handling the wreck. Guess what they made us do! GUESS.
I’ll tell you.
They made all of us get out of our cars and line up in a row. Then, one by one, they checked our driver’s licenses, (of course I had two in my wallet and the city official thought that was suspicious, so I showed him a note from my eye doctor, explaining which one was the right one. But he didn’t even believe that, so he had Margaret come over and read the note, to see if she could tell. Margaret glared at me over her broken cat eye glasses. Margaret was a b.) And then we had to change clothes into this yellow plastic jumpsuit and work the construction on the highways. CONSTRUCTION. I don’t know how to work construction! I mean, I can whistle a sexy call. Does that count?
Then, once we’d worked our construction tasks, they sent us underground, down this huge fire pole thingy, to be hosed off and get back in line to wait for our damaged cars.
I was suuuuuper peed to the max.
First of all, we’re sore from our wrecks. Some people even had whiplash!
Second of all, why aren’t our plastic jumpsuits a nice, pale, noninvasive blue, or something.
RUBBISH I TELL YOU.
Then I woke up.
Can we talk about vitamins?
Are you already so bored?
I seriously need to up my vitamin game. My vit game. I’m going to call it my vit game. Don’t punch me.
I have something like, 40ish days left of existing in my 4th decade and I’m only mildly terrified. I take a plain ol’ women’s multi vitamin, and that’s fine, blah blah. But I want to make sure I’m getting e r r r t h a n g my tired old sad withered body needs as I enter my 40s.
Do you take hip vitamins? Is there such a thing as hip vitamins? Tell me about your hip vitamins! The multi, the fish oil (wait, is it still even okay to take fish oil? I saw on the tee vee once that if the fish oil pill smells or tastes like fish, it’s gone rotten and is pretty much killing you softly. Um, it’s FISH OIL. What’s it supposed to taste like – a dern candle? So I panicked and stopped taking them. And now I’m probably dying because I’m not taking the fish oils.), calcium pills, everything! Tell me what your vitamin regimen is, because I need to sit down with my life and pencil out a new, solid direction.
This includes new lipstick as well.
And if you’re not totally snoozing by now, will you also tell me what your afternoon snack routine looks like? I need to REINVENT my stupid cravings. Because like, I always want cheese. Chips. Salt. I’m starving.
What do you eat at 2:45 and 3:22 and 4:17 that doesn’t completely gut bomb your face off and blow up your waistline? Because hi, I’m going to Cabo in less than two weeks and I can’t be all swollen and fluffy like a drunk Care Bear.
So what – hard boiled eggs? String cheese? Chips? Salt?
Yes, the photos on the wall are crooked.
Yes, those dried roses look like a strand of dried turds.
Yes, the shelves are unorganized and need to be dusted.
Yes, there’s most likely a massive dook in Nat’s pants.
Yes, her bangs need to be trimmed.
But then you hear their little voices say, “Another book! I love you, Dad,” and it’s like, over.
(that’s all the sap you’ll ever get from me. ever.)
Weekend plans? Besides ordering new beautiful JEWELRY for your life? Okay, you know my obsession with Le Papier Studio‘s amazing silhouette jewelry pieces. Well, this is awesome. The sweet Vana wanted to reopen the discount (that I held on my IG page a short while back) for another week (!), to give those of you who didn’t get a chance to use my code, another chance!
She has all.kinds. of pretties on her site. Necklaces, bracelets, cuffs, cuff LINKS, money clips, prints, even home and office accessories. That necklace above is this one. And that cuff bracelet above is this one. The discount is 20% off anything in the store, and the code is BEV20. And it’s available through July 24th. And you need to get you sumpin’ gerd. Don’t you have a birthday soon? I think you do.
Other than that, we’re chillin’! And mentally packing for Cabo. And ordering vitamins. And eating a hard-boiled egg with kale dust on it. And crying.