You guys, I was nakedly dangled in death’s poisonous, foaming open jaw this week.
We got home Sunday night after a long anniv/Easter weekend, and I was totally fine. Sleepy like normal, but fine. Woke up Monday morning, feeling pretty okay. A little stressed about my work load, but okay. Theeeeen, right around 9:30am the lethal tongue of the beast hit me in the face and I was like, done. Chills, sore joints, nauseous (not pregnant), aches all over, extreme exhaustion, mind-blowing fatigue. So, I got back in bed and tried to nap it off. Woke up, noooot even close to being better. Spent the entire day in complete misery, trying to unpack, wrangling twins, stressing on what that sour smell is coming from the fridge (milk? eggs? that withering red bell pepper from last week? I dunno I can’t even do this right now).
Aaron gets home and I take the hottest soak in the tub known to mankind. Get out, seriously almost faint. Go to bed at 6:30. Never wake up. Just kidding. I wake up at like 10:15 with the WORST pain in my back, so I have Aaron rub it out. Then per Aaron’s suggestion, I take NyQuil on an empty stomach (hadn’t eaten since 11am) and proceed to have theee worst heartburn ever in my entire life. But I didn’t knowww it was heartburn, you see. What I thought was heartburn during pregnancy was definitely not the same. That was a baby robin kissing my sternum compared to this. I thought I was dying of chest-explosion-of-the-bone-pain. It was so fun!
Next morning I zip to urgent care, and home dude looks at me and is all, “I think you have Mono.” And I like, slipped onto the other side. MONO? Who has time for MONO? I once knew a dude in high school who had Mono and he was out for seriously over six weeks. In BED for over six weeks. Hi, twins. Hi, work. Hi, life. Hi, house. NONO, MONO.
Blood work, yadda yadda. Back home and on the couch all day.
So Wednesday I fiiiiinally start to feel a tad more normal. Still hadn’t heard from the doc, but with no sore throat, I’m certain it’s not Mono. It can’t be. Food bloggers with toddler twins getting their molars don’t get Mono. It’s impossible. Certifiably unfeasible.
Oh! And at the sameee time, a bunch of my Arkansas friends were texting me, “Do you have the stomach bug!?,” because we were all together on Saturday eating hummus (I didn’t eat the hummus). But you’ve heard of the whole Sabra hummus recall? Right, so like, nearly 10 people at the party all got the stomach bug right after so we thought it was all connected. It became this whole Seinfeld-esque thing like, “Did you eat the hummus?!” I didn’t eat the hummus. Brandy did you eat the hummus? You ate the hummus, oh my goshhhh.” “The hummus! I didn’t eat it! You didn’t eat it! She ate it! She ate the hummus! The hummuuuusss!”
Yesterday I woke up feeling 98% normal and I finally heard from the doc, “You don’t have Mono! And your white blood cell count is completely normal. It does show a something something that suggests it was viral. So you’re all good. Go drink wine.” Just kidding she didn’t say that.
I kicked Mono in the BALLS, y’all.
Wait, I never had Mono. Never mind.
So in an attempt to be not such a scaredy cat mom (hahaha! right), I’m trying to get over my fear of bugs. I’m also completely switching gears here.
If you know me personally, you’re all too familiar with my crippling phobia of all things insectual. I know exactly where this fear stems from, but I’m not going to divulge this because you’ll either a) laugh in my face or b) have nightmares for life. And I can’t risk either of the two. Not today.
With all the spring weather, the rain, the doors and windows open all the time, we’re seeing a small rise in roaches ’round our place. And not even the big ones, just the small baby roaches. Still though, freaking nasty. I’m almost gagging just typing out the word r o a c h.
So the other night, Aaron was cooking and I was standing in the kitchen on my deathbed (see above), when I spot a tiny roach walking across the floor. Oh gawd. Here it is. This is the moment. I’m responsible for saving our entire family’s lives right now. He’s busy cooking and can’t smash it to hell and back. It’s up to me this time. I have to be Mighty Bev Mouse. But first I need a barf bag and a beach towel for all the tears I’m going to shed.
I’m too weak to grab a shovel and a gas mask, so I reach for a paper towel and some of my DIY cleaner (hahaha, like that’ll do anything) and I quickly lean down, spray that sumbia, and grab it with the paper towel.
Annnnnd it crunched in my fingers. Like, popped. Its shell or back or whatever you call it effing crackled in my hands. And then I proceeded to scream (Aaron loved that), start crying (babies loved that) and spiral further and further into my phobia with no end in sight.
E for effort?
I know this post is obnoxiously loaded, but I have more one thing to share with you before we go. It’s worth it!
About a month ago, The Dr. Oz Show (as in, the real freaking show) contacted me about making a quick video on how to make a No-Bread Sandwich. They said they’d feature the video and a clip from my blog promotional video on the show. Ummmm let me think about iYES. That weekend we scrambled and put together a pretty cute video, right in my kitchen, featuring an eggplant sandwich with steak and onions and all this jazz. It’s really fun. They loved it! And it airs next week! April 16th, to be exact.
They have this British producer that called me to set everything up and he was all, “Bev love….” And I went deaf after that. Just kept saying, “sure, whatever you want. eggplant, got it. chipper personality, done. will you read the phone book please? my electric bill? slowly?”
So anyway, I’m SUPER excited about it. This is the THING though. They told me, “Everything in TV is tentative.” You never know if there will be breaking news, bad weather, what have you. It’s all taped and on the show, so I feel like it will certainly air. But if for some weird reason it doesn’t we can just be all, “Hahaha wasn’t that cute when Bev thought she’d be on The Dr. Oz Show? So adorable. Someone get her a puppy.”
I’ll be sure and remind you next week to tune in! Thursday, April 16th. Watch for a hyper freak with lonnnng hair and cilantro hanging out of her mouth.
I don’t have anything else to say here because THE DR. OZ SHOW. (!!!!)