Thoughts on this Whole Being Knocked Up Business: 5th and Final Edition

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It’s the FIEEENNAAAAL COUNTDOOOOWWWWNNNNAAAAHH.

Can you believe we’re at 34 weeks and one day. How? HOW?

Which coincidentally rhymes with cow. COW. Funny how that works.

-2  -3

At this point in the game, there’s just not that much to say.

Ohhhh don’t get too excited. I still plan on draping you with mental armpit fart acid. You’re not getting that lucky, Chachi.

1) C-Sections.

We’d originally planned on the A-section, and in a worse case scenario, the B-section, but they were sold out of those. So, the C-section it is! I have no idea why I put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence. Oh wait, it’s because I’m the world’s most annoying planner. Truth be told, when my doc brought the idea to the table, I actually chirped, “Okay! Sounds good!” She was like, “You’re . . . excited?”

Thing is, my boy is in a great position and has honed his craft at violently headbutting my colon. My girl on the other hand? That bia be transverse. Yes I just called my daughter a bia. What’s she gonna do, cry about it?

So as of now, January 6th at noon, you guys. HIIIIGH NOOOOON. I wonder if I should buy some birthing chaps?

Yeah that image is destroying my life, too.

-4

 2) Hospital Bag Essentials: As of fifteen minutes ago, I’m all packed and ready to go. (oh that rhymed) But, I want to run this list past you guys in case I’ve forgotten anything. And seriously, help me out here. I don’t want to leave anything important out.

1) a bottl – wait, box of wine

2) eighty spicy tuna rolls

3) a sack of poached eggs

4) a wheel of brie

5) the veiniest, stinkiest blue cheese this side of the Mississippi

6) a Dagwood sandwich the size of the Empire State Building

7) 429 pounds of caffeinated dark roast coffee

8) hair dye and face masks

9) all of the essential oils

10) a roller coaster

I mean, that’s it, right? I’m not leaving anything out? Can’t.think.of.anything.ellllsssse.

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3) Oh! We got the car seats installed. It really puts us at ease to have this done, and it’s amazing how much safer we feel already. I can’t wait to get the medal of approval from the police department this week.

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4) Breastfeeding Twins: Oh my Lord I’m just kidding. Like I would do that to you. Look at my face. Is that the face of someone that would put you through those kinds of thoughts? Those nightmarish, porno heifer, topless udder buffet thoughts?

. . . Actually, never mind.

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5) Are We Ready?

HAHAHA no. I mean yes. Yes and no. Yo and nes? I have no idea. I mean, aside from the car seats, obviously.

Am I ready to stop walking like a drunk sloth? Yes.

Am I ready to not feel them wiggle around in me like hyper alien gummy bears? No way.

Am I ready to have them cut out of me? Ummmmm sure?

Am I ready to not feel like a bobby pin carrying a watermelon? (I carried a watermelon? name that movie.) Yes.

Am I ready to learn how to change two diapers at once like a calf roper at a rodeo? Bring it.

Am I ready to have a sprinkler system of vomit and pee and poop shot in my eyeballs 27 times a day? Eh.

Am I ready to not cry at all of the commercials? Even the beer commercials? (He’s with his friiiiiends. And they’re all so haaaaaappyyyy.) Yes.

Am I ready to not sleep for 18 weeks? I mean months? …wait, YEARS? No.

Am I ready to love them and sing to them and dance for them and nibble on their little faces until they go to college? Hell yes.

I’m so ready.

Plus, I’ve heard that with a C-section, a parenting manual falls out with the placenta, so we’re all good.

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THREE. WEEKS. LEFT. Aaaaand I probably just jinxed myself.

Thank you so much for waddling through this journey with me.  The barfing, milkshakes, heartburn, stretch marks, TJ Maxx molestation, stiffy B-Hickers, cowlicks, twerking, etc. have all been such a gas! Oh, and the gas.

I can’t wait to Instagram dirty diapers!

KIDDING.

But probably not.

Edition 1

Edition 2

Edition 3

Edition 4

79 Responses to Thoughts on this Whole Being Knocked Up Business: 5th and Final Edition

  1. Heather December 16, 2013 at 7:10 am #

    OK first of all – you’re going to have your babies on our 7 year anniversary. I gotta say, January 6 is mighty fine in my book! (mighty fine?!)

    Second, if it makes you feel any better I had a c-section and totally still had the phantom baby kicks for a few months after Wes was born. So, you know, if you miss the kicks at least you may still feel something. I think that was supposed to be encouraging…?

    Third, I can’t wait. Literally beside myself for you guys!

  2. Liz @ The Lemon Bowl December 16, 2013 at 7:28 am #

    God I love you. I love your hospital list and I love your car seat photo. I can not wait for January!!!!! xoxoxo

  3. Allie December 16, 2013 at 7:31 am #

    Hi! I’m a new reader and mom to 14m old twins! Congratulations!!!! I LOVED your hosital list! You will also need granny panties, friends told me and I didn’t believe them but it’s true. Get the biggest highest wasted ones you can find! It’s gonna be awesome!

    • Beth Garrison December 16, 2013 at 10:08 am #

      I second the granny panties! I just had my first baby Nov 30th and you will need them c-section or natural cause the first time you stand up a murder scene will fall out of your vag. It’s gross. Feels like your peeing yourself… but it doesn’t stop for awhile.

      • Renee January 1, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

        Unless you bleed so much right after birth that your blood pressure drops to 65/50 and you hear the word “transfusion?” being used at least once every half hour for the next 6 hours. Then you don’t bleed quite so much after. Felt all sorts of groovy, and that’s with only motrin for pain relief. :D

  4. Annalise L. December 16, 2013 at 7:39 am #

    Yay for making it past 34 weeks!! I am so excited for you!! I pray that you make it to your csection!! We just had my twins at 35 weeks and can I say, your list of being ready is how I feel and more!! But so far, we’re doing just fine!! Breastfeeding two babies is so not as easy as I thought it would be but so far I’m able to supply them with almost all of their milk!! Every drop makes me so happy! I can’t attest to the car seats yet as our boys are still in NICU, but I’m sure we’ll get it right when they need to come home. The one piece of advice I’d give you, and I’m sure EVERYONE has told you this, is sleep as much as you can now because when they’re here, you won’t. You’ll become the milkmaid and it will consume your life!! So keep enjoying their kicks and get ready for the craziest time of your life because when they come out, it’s gonna be so much fun, but so much crazy too!! Good luck during these last few weeks!!

  5. Annalise L. December 16, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    Oh and when you’re at the hospital, take everything you can!! Especially the disposable underwear and huge pads!! Because after the csection, you’ll need them! Trust me! Ask every nurse of every shift for more and have your husband store them for you so you have like a months worth! You won’t believe what comes out of you after and at home, you don’t want to deal with having to constantly be changing your underwear!!

    • Anonymous December 16, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

      And open a new pack of pads and diapers right before you leave bc then you get to take the rest home.

  6. Jessica December 16, 2013 at 8:08 am #

    i think i would die without you in my life. you = my hero.

  7. Averie @ Averie Cooks December 16, 2013 at 8:13 am #

    I’ve heard that with a C-section, a parenting manual falls out with the placenta = LOL!!!!

    And the whole wheel of brie and 8 spicy tuna rolls list – i don’t even really eat fish but when I was pregnant, all I wanted was raw fish (and raw cookie dough!) and brie! Not even kidding :)

    I love this, Bev. You are so funny and such a good sport to have your sense of humor. Keep that!!!! It will get you through :)

    And just knowing you’re so.close. omg so good, right!!!!!

  8. Meagan @ A Zesty Bite December 16, 2013 at 8:26 am #

    I needed a good laugh this morning! I can’t wait for all the pictures of these cute twins.

  9. Aimee @ Simple Bites December 16, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    Oh honey. So excited for you! That list sounds about right. I brought champagne to the hospital each time.

  10. Megan {Country Cleaver} December 16, 2013 at 8:35 am #

    I think you’ve got all the essentials packed in that baby bag!! And I’m glad you upped it to a box-o-wine, not just a bottle. Recognizeeee!

    So monumentally excited for you Bev.

  11. Stefanie @ Sarcastic Cooking December 16, 2013 at 8:35 am #

    I just had my first baby last week via C-Section. My copy of how to be a parent was pulled out and placed on my chest for some skin to skin time. Granted, my copy is nothing compared to the copy of how to parent twins that will be pulled out of you. C-Sections are the weirdest thing ever!!!! It’s like you can feel everything, but you can’t. Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy. I am a week into new parenting and am exhausted!

  12. Rachel Cooks December 16, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    hahahaha I love you so much. I am insanely excited to meet, or “meet,” Natalie and Will.

  13. Dixya @ Food, Pleasure, and Health December 16, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    this just made my day. I need to print that hospital bag essential list for future :)

  14. Laurie {Simply Scratch} December 16, 2013 at 9:17 am #

    Ah this is the best! You are probably the only one who could instagram a dirty diper and totally get away with it! XO

  15. Amy @Very Culinary December 16, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    Home stretch, lady. Pun intended, thankyouverymuch.

  16. Lori @ RecipeGirl December 16, 2013 at 9:36 am #

    SO excited for you!!!!!!!! XO

  17. claire @ the realistic nutritionist December 16, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    I love you to death, but if you instagram dirty diapers we will never be friends again.

  18. Kim December 16, 2013 at 10:02 am #

    You’re probably the most adorable pregnant woman I’ve ever seen.
    (That’s not weird to say on the internet, right?)

  19. Nicole December 16, 2013 at 10:08 am #

    You are hilarious and I can’t wait to “meet” your adorable kids! I wanted to let you know- the crying over commercials will not go away…. ever. I’ve had two kids and it seems to get worse the older I get? C’mooooooon!

    Good luck with delivery!!!

  20. Aggie December 16, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    Best post ever. I love your hospital bag list, you got everything covered! Here’s to a few more weeks of cooking :)

  21. Maria December 16, 2013 at 10:16 am #

    I love this post and I love you! SO stinkin’ excited for you guys!! xoxo

  22. Mary @ The Kitchen Paper December 16, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    Ha – you are freaking hilarious! I’m especially impressed with your hospital bag list – pretty much all of my favorite things. I can’t wait to “meet” the little ones!!

  23. Casey December 16, 2013 at 10:22 am #

    Goooooooood luck! Love that you called baby girl a bia, hahahaha.

  24. Cookin' Canuck December 16, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    It looks like those car seats are ready to go! You pull off 34-weeks-with-twins very well, Bev. And I am high-fiving that your two little ones are going to be born on my birthday (and Ree’s).

  25. Stacey I December 16, 2013 at 10:41 am #

    Dirty Dancing :) You look so stinkin’ cute!! I can’t wait to see photos of the bebees!!

  26. Jessica December 16, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    We have the same due date!! Good luck! I can tell you’re going to be a fun mama!

  27. Christina December 16, 2013 at 11:15 am #

    Granny panties and a robe are musts! Hospitals are cold — and sweatshirts just don’t work. Good luck!

  28. Julie @ Table for Two December 16, 2013 at 11:44 am #

    oh my gooooooosh. BEV. you seriously have the greatest sense of humor. i could not stop chuckling all the way down this post. gosh, i love you!!

  29. Kim December 16, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    I’m so excited for you Bev! I have never enjoyed following someone’s pregnancy so much. It’s made it easier to deal with my own (currently 22 weeks after several early losses). I’m so happy for you guys and can’t wait til you blog about your two cuties!

  30. Melissa @ Treats With a Twist December 16, 2013 at 12:49 pm #

    The list! The car seats! Cracking me up.
    You forgot some extreme nail salon fumes.
    I’m coming to your C-section partay if there’s gonna be tuna and wine…and baby toes ;)

  31. Ali | Gimme Some Oven December 16, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

    Oh my goodness, these posts are the BEST. You’re the best.

  32. Sarah @ Making Thyme for Health December 16, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

    I can’t believe there are two in that belly! You look amazing.

    Actually, I have heard a parenting manual falls out with the placenta so no worries.

    Really though, my brother accidentally knocked up his 23 year old girlfriend with twins and they survived so I think you’ll be just fine.

    Those babies are going to be so in love with you!! Can’t wait to “meet” them!

  33. Shelly (Pastry Shells) December 16, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    I love these posts! I wish this wasn’t the last installment, but then again I want to see their sweet little faces! Good luck!

  34. DessertForTwo December 16, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    You’re so dang amazing. If you want me to call and harrass your doctor about the A-section, just let me know. I’m so great with customer service!

  35. liz m December 16, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Car Seats look GOOD! ;)

  36. Amanda @ Once Upon a Recipe December 16, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    I’ve never birthed a baby before, but your hospital list sounds top notch to me. Good luck on Jan. 6!

  37. Rachel @thedessertchronicles December 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    You always make me laugh. Love reading your blog and can’t wait to hear about life with twins!! Best of luck!

  38. Gina @ So Lets Hang Out December 16, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    So funny. Can’t breathe.

    I’ve never birthed a tiny human before, but this all sounds very reasonable. Especially those spicy tuna rolls. I really hope your hypothetical hospital bag is in the fridge.

    Wouldn’t it be great if you birthed an instruction manual? There must be some sort of ap for that somewhere. ;)

  39. Angelyn @ Everyday Desserts December 16, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    ahhhhh, I feel so excited for you! congratulations!!

  40. Kasey December 16, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

    I have seriously loved your refreshing take on pregnancy. Keeping it light and real, yeah! January is a great time to be born…

  41. Mel G December 16, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    Two things:
    * Spanx – get these on you asap, they’ll hold everything in place til it goes back naturally. Having had a c-section myself, you’re not allowed to do anything for weeks (even if you want to…which I didn’t lol). So spanx coz granny undies just ain’t strong enough!
    * Earplugs – coz you don’t want to listen to any other babies while yours are sleeping

    Also, the hormonal crying? Doesn’t end at birth, sorry….

    Good luck xx,

  42. Heather Christo December 16, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    I will keep you in my thoughts, prayers and heart. Best of luck with what should be a smooth and easy delivery Bev :)

  43. Kate December 16, 2013 at 9:03 pm #

    These posts always make me giggle, Bev. I cant wait too see those beautiful babies! Please blow up my instagram feed with baby pics. That’s a sincere request. Thanks!

  44. Nancy P.@thebittersideofsweet December 16, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    My daughter is a January 6 baby! She is 2 so we are finally sleeping again! Lol!

  45. Katie December 16, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

    Eeeeeep! I’m so flipping excited. For you, for me, for babies. For life. I feel like I may burst right now. Literally and figuratively. I’ll do a lot of jumping jacks on January 5th, and maybe our babies can share a birthday, cool?

  46. Erin @ The Spiffy Cookie December 17, 2013 at 10:13 am #

    Eeee so close!!! I love the picture of you eating cookies off your belly btw.

  47. Winnie December 17, 2013 at 11:02 am #

    So very excited for you! I’m requesting lots of baby pics on Instagram as well!

  48. Stephanie @ Eat. Drink. Love. December 17, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

    Those car seats look pretty good to me! You are the cutest pregnant lady ever! Don’t forget to bring your paint cans!

  49. Adriana December 17, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    I’m a new mommie too and am so excited for you and all the love and joy you will feel with your little ones. I can’t wait to see your baby pics!!

  50. Erin L December 17, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

    Dirty Dancing. And here is what is in my labor bag that you are missing: Retinol Cream (oh, how I’ve missed you), high heels (at LEAST 4 inches), hollandaise (it’ll go well on all those poached eggs), a bourbon old-fashioned, a good old fashioned lipstick that contains some good toxic ingredients, & some F-ing ADVIL!!! So excited for you, & so jealous that your thighs still look that fabulous!!

  51. Sarah December 17, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

    So excited to “meet” your ninjas-in-training (hiii-ya!). Glad you are a-okay with the c-section. Girlfriend might turn, you know. Before or during labor. Just sayin’. Hope you have a wonderful holiday and the rest of the journey is fantastic. I’ll try to understand if you aren’t writing as much, but I’ll miss ya!

  52. Laura (Blogging Over Thyme December 17, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    I will miss these posts SO much! I hope you’ll keep doing kiddo versions. Perhaps “thoughts on this whole i-have-twin-holy-crap business”?

    Wait, and I totally don’t get the car seat thing. Isn’t that how they’re supposed to be installed?? (kidding..)

  53. Ashley December 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    This. Is. Amazing. Wishing you all the best! THREE weeks!!! xo

  54. Katriel December 17, 2013 at 3:33 pm #

    Bev, as always…you slay me. Best baby post ever. The hospital bag list….and then the carseats. I died.
    Thanks for sharing your experience!!

    Bless…. Bless. Bless.

  55. Cassie | Bake Your Day December 17, 2013 at 7:55 pm #

    I almost fell out of my chair reading this. You definitely have this down by the looks of those car seats. You are absolutely the best!

  56. Tieghan December 17, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

    Dear god, I love you. You just made my day and I laughed/smiled through this whole post. I am so excited for you and for January 6th! Can’t wait! Wishing you the best!

  57. Joy December 18, 2013 at 5:55 am #

    You’re probably going to be crying at commercials for a little while longer.

  58. Joy December 18, 2013 at 6:01 am #

    And make sure you’ve read this….http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Guide-Great-Sleep/dp/0062113321/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1387367767&sr=8-5&keywords=harvey+karp+happiest+baby+on+the+block
    …at least a hundred times. Just reading this made my second child arrive an instantly wonderful sleeper.

  59. Lisa [With Style & Grace] December 18, 2013 at 11:31 am #

    You’re my favorite laugh. Love this. Love you and soooo excited!! xx

  60. amy December 18, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

    CRACKING UP per usual!

  61. Nutmeg Nanny December 18, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    I am going to have to save that hospital checklist for when I have one, very thorough ;)

  62. Ashley December 18, 2013 at 3:55 pm #

    Granny panties, yes. Massive pads, yes. My motto to first timers is that while looking at the pad options at the store, if it doesn’t make you giggle and wonder, who on earth wears these, they aren’t big enough. Something similar in size to the evacuation ramp on a jumbo jet….ya get me! Cute socks too. With my first babe I wore these horribly ugly old cycling socks thinking I’d want to toss them after shufflin’ around on a hospital floor…makes sense, right?! They ended up in soooo many photos because everyone takes pics from your head down. For good reason of course, the other direction ain’t too perdy! Brand new to your blog and I adore. Good luck!

  63. Arthur in the Garden! December 18, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    Congrats!

  64. nancy K December 19, 2013 at 7:08 am #

    I just read all of your pregnancy posts and I am literally crying I am laughing so hard. our little babs are going to ahave such cool, funny, amazing parents. You little babes will be born on “Little Christmas”…the day the Three wise Men arrived with presents for the the Newborn baby. It is thought to be a very special day and it certainly will be for you. Best wishes and I can’t wait to see those Instagram pics!

  65. Emily December 19, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    You forgot tequila. My hospital bag is, simply, a bottle of tequila.

  66. lisa December 19, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    You are one of the most hilarious bloggers in the whole wide world. Been keeping up with you a long time, but don’t comment often. So happy for you and your little bambinos!! You will be an incredible mama.

  67. Susan Denney December 20, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

    TWI + NS = THE BEST

    The end.

    :) :)

  68. Leslie December 22, 2013 at 10:57 am #

    Well. The plus side of c-sections is that you will still be able to jump on trampolines! Natural child birth just effs’ up the bladder!!!!!
    Congrats on those babies almost coming out!

  69. Courtney @ Neighborfood December 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    These lists are my favorite. You have the best of sense of humor and I know it’s going to make you an amazing momma! Also, little jels you look so fantastic 35 weeks pregnant with twins! I’m fairly certain I’ll be the one with sausage toes, triple chin, chipmunk cheeks, and double wide butt.

  70. Candice@Hungrymotherunner December 22, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Hi! New Reader! I just found your blog and have to tell you how excited I am for you and your twins! I have boy/girl twins and love it. I had a planned c section cause one of mine were posterior too. I had a great recovery and loved it! Enjoy every second they grow up so fast! Mine just turned 3!

  71. Lynn BB December 23, 2013 at 8:21 am #

    Congrats on the twins! I had three C-sections. Two were planned and I would take that any day of the week. Wishing your family much joy!

  72. moving & storage united national March 23, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    This post is really a nice one it assists new internet visitors, who are wishing for blogging.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tuesday Things. | How Sweet It Is - December 17, 2013

    […] My life would not be nearly as funny or sane with Bev in it. For a gigantic giggle, please read this post. Even if you can’t relate to it, it’s out of […]

  2. Tuesday Things. | pinmeplease - December 17, 2013

    […] My life would not be nearly as funny or sane with Bev in it. For a gigantic giggle, please read this post. Even if you can’t relate to it, it’s out of […]

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