Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 2

Well, hi.

Would you believe another four weeks have passed in this pilgrimage de preggoville? I’m right at the halfway mark, and I can proudly say with complete poise and confidence, “waaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

It’s actually been a fantastic four weeks! I’ve never felt more incredible. I’ve got energy. I’ve got sass. I’ve got rhythm. I’ve got music. I’ve got an extra 15 pounds hanging off the front of me like whoa.

-2

1) Heartbeats, Blood Pressure and Other Cardiovascular Bidniz: Okay, I think I read somewhere that pregnant women’s hearts pump like 40% faster than regular women’s. DUDES, that’s fast. I didn’t really think too much about it, but when I nearly passed out into a bowl of hot queso in a public restaurant with friends we hadn’t seen in a few years, ooooops? I’d basically been sitting in my chair with my legs crossed for too long, and all my blood had hitchhiked to Liechtenstein and left me there for dead. Thank GAWD I didn’t pass out. I’m not quite sure I’ll see those friends for a very long time though.

Also, I can SEE my heartbeat. Like, in my eyes. I can see it. Pulse, pulse, pulse, right in my eyes. It’s like a flashy disco party in Club Cranium, but without a DJ and glow-in-the-dark pacifiers. Lame.

2) Belly Itching and Weird Red Dots: To make this clear, I totally apply belly butter. Every day. Twice a day. I’m obsessed. But I still itch! What’s the deal, man? Is it the skin stretching? Are there little fibers of flesh that need extra TLC after a long day of mini yoga workouts? That’s really disgusting.

AND. I think it’s hormones, but I’ve noticed a few (but probably ahem, more) tiny red dots appear here and there. I’m not going to go into detail about where “here and there” actually is, because this site is rated PG. PG-13, whatever. But I’m telling you what, if the dots continue to pop up, we are going to have Pee Wee Herman over for a dang connectin’ heyday.

ANDDDD. I don’t even want to go into what my belly button is starting to look like. Oh, it’s still in. Don’t get squeamish. But it’s . . . weird.

I’m writing a letter to congress.

 

-3

3) Touching of the Belly from Strangers:  To be completely honest, this doesn’t bother me at all. I mean geez, I’ve waited seven years to even HAVE a belly to touch. If some rando wants to touch it, be my guest. Shoot, if you want to set your meatball sub on it while you tie your shoe, don’t let me stop ya. (and can I have a bite?)

But but BUT.

The other day I was in a clothing store, just mindin’ my own, when a little old Italian woman noticed me and my “frontal expansion,” and in a deep, thick accent gushes and says to me, “Oooooo, you preeeeeegnant!” Me, “Yesss!” Her, “When you duuuue?” Me, “Late January, but I have twins, so probably a few weeks before that.” Her, “TWEEEEEENS! TWEEEEENS!” And she reaches up to my belly and gives me a quick pat and says, “Blessssss.” Sweet lady, right? As I started to say thank you, she THEN raised her hand a few inches north, placed it smack on my right boob, pat it THREE TIMES, “Blessssss. Blessssss. Blessssss.”

Ummmm, WHAT? Is this what we’re doing these days? What is she like, blessing my milk? Making sure it’s holy or something? Want me to stick a straw in it and aspirate a quick milkshake? Make sure we’re good?

I totally got molested in TJMaxx.

4) Maternity Clothing: Speaking of, what the WONK is wrong with maternity clothes? I don’t even understand what’s going on. I tried on 4 billion, 13 thousand and 23947825 pieces of maternity wear, and immediately wanted to light myself on fire and run out the nearest window, Family Guy-style. They might as well have a section with nothing but garbage bags, plastic tents and potato sacks. We’d probably look better in that anyway.

Jerks.

-4

5)  Also, I learned how to twerk. And I’m extremely sorry to the ENTIRE world and your eyeballs.

6) Sitting and Spitting: This is a darling one. I’ve come to accept that I now sit like a farmer. I don’t know how it happened, but my new natural way of sitting on the sofa involves one leg east of the Mississippi, and one leg west. With a cookie hanging out of my mouth. And I’m okay with this.

Also, I’m redefining what it means to be a lady and spit constantly. I seriously have pools of saliva just hanging out in my mouth at all times waiting to make a grand exit. Maybe I should chew on some straw? Or hair?

So yeah, when you add up farmer sitting, spitting like a frat dude and scratching my belly more minutes than not, you’ve got a real Greta Garbo on your hands.

7) He Won’t Let It Go: So my parents were up visiting for my birthday a couple of weekends ago, and as we were sitting around the breakfast table opening gifts and drinking (decaf. yawn.) coffee, Aaron, my dearest, my beloved, the father of my unborn children, brings me the jankiest bag I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and proclaims, “Happy Birthday, Sweets!”

“Oh, thanks! What’s . . . this?” I begin to open it, as he stands next to me in full-blown shakes with his hand over his mouth and tears pooling up around his eyes. Never trust a man with his hand over his mouth, you guys.

What I discovered in the BIRTHDAY GIFT BAG, I’d like to remind you, was the below. Oh yeah, this is actual crime scene footage.

. . . Hi, plaster gauze and a bag of chips.

-5

Does he think this is actually going to happen? Do you think there’s a chance of him drugging me and making a belly mold against my will? Should I go ahead with that spousal restraining order?

SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE GET GEORGE CLOONEY ON THE PHONE FOR ME.

-1

So, there we have it. Another four weeks gone by, another handful of charming and . . .  glamorous memories to share.

Also, we have names. But I’ll tell you about that later on.

Okay, weeks 20 through 24. I’m braced! I’m ready! Please don’t hurt me.

. . . . .

Edition 1, in case ya missed it. And I’m sorry in advance.

,

62 Responses to Thoughts on This Whole Being Knocked Up Business: Edition 2

  1. Averie @ Averie Cooks September 5, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    You are GORGEOUS!!! That last shot with the window, love it!! Is that your house?! Omg if it is, I want to move in!

    Maternity clothes…suck. They are supremely expensive, ugly, don’t ever fit right, and if they do, by next week they don’t. Yeah. Fun times. I really didnt wear them except for like 2 pairs of pants when I couldnt make elastic band pants work anymore. Lol But it killed me to pay all that money for pants. Sorry, I’m cheap 🙂

    Love these posts, Bev!

    • Bev Weidner September 6, 2013 at 7:03 am #

      Hahaha, thank you, Averie! You’re too kind. And oh goodness, no! That’s not my house. We were in Watertown, MA for a wedding last weekend, so I found a big pretty window to take my weekly picture in front of. But you can believe it’s my house if you want. I’m coo with that. 😉

  2. Shelly (Pastry Shells) September 5, 2013 at 8:21 am #

    Bev! I so look forward to your posts! They always make me laugh, smile, and makes me really hungry (the bag of chips in this post got me good ha!)! Thanks for a good laugh in the morning!

    PS – you are such a cute pregnant lady!

  3. Rachel September 5, 2013 at 8:24 am #

    Congratulations!
    Belly itchiness, I remember it well! Seriously, try Mary Kay’s ‘Visiby Fit’ Body Lotion. I used it twice a day (at least) and it REALLY helped…no itching. (also, zero stretch marks, and I had a 60 pound weight gain and a baby an ounce shy of 10 pounds!). Don’t know whether it works so well for everyone, but it really helped me.

  4. Angie September 5, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    OMG, I’m crying laughing over the old Italian lady blessing your boobs! Maternity clothes super suck too. I gave up and just made due with what junior clothes I could find that sort of covered me. And the itching, there’s no help. I think the stuff that’s stretching is so deep, there’s no body butter or cream that could relive the itch. I used like the strongest cocoa butter and body oil and it barely helped.

  5. Carolyn L September 5, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    Love this!!! I’m itchy, too girl – but not belly – above belly – in the PG-13 spots that old ladies blessssss. I no likey! But feeling squirms makes up for all the crazy side effects!

  6. Tieghan September 5, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    You and your twerking belly are gorgeous! Oh and the boob slap? Oh my gosh! To weird, to funny!

  7. dixya| food, pleasure, and health September 5, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    you are always such a joy to watch. always happy to read about your progress 🙂

  8. Karly September 5, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    I love these belly posts so much! And amen on the maternity clothes. I was verrrrrrry young when I got pregnant and there were lots of Tweety bird shirts. I was so thankful when a proper maternity clothing store opened in the mall. I mean, really. Tweety bird.

  9. Laura (Blogging Over Thyme) September 5, 2013 at 8:50 am #

    You are hilarious. I laughed so hard at the image of that tiny old Italian woman patting your boobs in TJmaxx. Maybe you can report it and get a free gift card or something? Haha. Old Italian women are the BEST.

    These posts are so great!

  10. Heather September 5, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    You are carrying pregnancy SO WELL! I remember the belly itchiness too – I would sit at the front desk at the office I worked at and rub lotion on my tummy all the time. Totally professional, right?

  11. Dani Meyer September 5, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    Just found your blog. Love it!

    I itched like a maniac with our first baby. Finally discovered that raw shea butter and coconut oil mixed together was ah-mazing. Warm it up in the microwave for a few seconds to soften them together and slather it on. I give it to all my preggo friends now 🙂

    Dani

  12. Aggie September 5, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    If that Italian lady was my grandma I’m so sorry! Boundaries can be an issue…just kidding – I don’t think my grandma would bless anyone else’s boobs. 😉

    And maternity clothes? They suck big time. I hate them. I want to burn them too. Nothing cute about them thank you very much. Wait till you are really big and maternal, then they become even worse.

    You look amazing girl!!!

  13. Carly @ Snack Therapy September 5, 2013 at 9:03 am #

    You and the babies are SUCH good twerkers. Miley would be so proud.

  14. Adrienne September 5, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    Congrats, Beth! Twins are the best, but maybe I am a little partial because I am a twin. *wink* Keep the updates coming! You have the best sense of humor!

    Blessings!

  15. Kristen September 5, 2013 at 9:13 am #

    Boob pats are just too strange. Maybe she was blind and thought twins meant two baby bumps?

  16. Heather Christo September 5, 2013 at 9:22 am #

    I love these updates so much Bev 🙂 You look absolutely beautiful. I’m so sorry about the old lady molestation, but trust me when I tell you that pregnancy encounters can get SO much worse and more humiliating!

  17. betty (the sweaty betty) September 5, 2013 at 9:33 am #

    I wish I could twerk that well. hahah love this post.

  18. Kim September 5, 2013 at 9:35 am #

    You are just the sweetest, cutest, funniest gal (and I LOVE your food). I am so very happy for you!

  19. Michele September 5, 2013 at 9:40 am #

    The fun has just begun. And now that your boobs are blessed, you’re in good shape!

  20. Courtney @ Neighborfood September 5, 2013 at 9:44 am #

    Blessing boobs in a TJ Maxx? Sounds TOTALLY normal to me. Happens to me all the time. Except it doesn’t. And that’s really weird. And I’m sorry that happened to you. But hey, you never know…maybe you’ll have superpower milk!

  21. Ruthy @ Omeletta September 5, 2013 at 10:15 am #

    You are a stinking CUTE pregnant lady! I’m only one week ahead of you at 21 weeks (with just one baby cooking up in there, not two- good luck!) and I do NOT have the energy for twerking….if that’s what that was 😉 Enjoy the second half of your pregnancy! I’m loving following along with you 🙂

  22. Jennifer @ Mother Thyme September 5, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    Girl, you look ah-mazing! The next 20 weeks are going to fly by, trust me! Enjoy every moment. Before you know it those precious little ones are going to be in your arms and you are going to forget what sleep was, lol!

  23. johanna / maxandmoses.blogspot.com September 5, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    Oh I hated that belly-patting thing! People walking to you and saying HELLOOOOO – to your belly.
    But, what’s even worse is that now that I’ve had the baby, I’m expected to happily share my experiences of labor and breast feeding. With strangers. Just the other day I was at the grocery store and over comes an elderly lady. “Such a cute baby!” she says. Oh thank you, yes, he’s two months, yes, he eats well and keeps growing and so on. “So, are you producing enough milk for him?” WHHAAATTT?

  24. Stacey I September 5, 2013 at 10:36 am #

    You are too funny 🙂 This post cracked me up!! I remember the itchy belly, scratch away girl! Have you read Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs?? Hysterical!!

  25. Liz @ The Lemon Bowl September 5, 2013 at 10:46 am #

    Is it just me or are your thighs getting smaller as you get more pregnant? I want your thighs. The end.

  26. Amy @Very Culinary September 5, 2013 at 11:13 am #

    I loved that moment when I finally looked pregnant, instead of just looking like I ate 10 Chipotle burritos. You’re wearing pregnancy very well, Darlinque!

  27. katriel September 5, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    So you and my sister in law are the same amount of pregnant, except she’s got just one baby brewing. Love reading these updates!

  28. amanda September 5, 2013 at 11:42 am #

    oh my gosh, i’m so glad i got a minute to read this. i am literally in tears over that twerking video, you’s so funny.
    blessss;)

  29. Julia September 5, 2013 at 11:50 am #

    Love your posts! It’s been many moons, but I remember my pregnancies. I felt the best I every have in the 2nd trimester, but I do remember the throbbing in my head; just wait for the swollen ankles of the 3rd trimester. Sad to see that the maternity clothes haven’t gotten any better. Unfortunately for me, I was pregnant in the late ’80s so everything had huge flower prints and gigantic white bib collars! Yuck!

  30. erin mcgrane September 5, 2013 at 11:52 am #

    i love you, Bev!! xo

  31. Julie September 5, 2013 at 12:05 pm #

    Soooooo funny and you’re so stinkin cute! Love these posts Bev!

  32. Erin L September 5, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

    Thank you for mentioning what a bummer maternity clothes are! I just went shopping for some this past weekend for the first time, & what a let down! The only things you want to wear are super expensive. (I cannot make myself spend $250 dollars on a pair of jeans that I’m only going to wear for the next 5 months) Oh, & the saliva thing… I have that too. I looked it up– it’s totally normal. It’s gross & it will make you a social pariah, but it’s normal. As for being felt up by elderly Italian ladies in clothing stores… I can’t seem to find any literature on that…

  33. Sarah | The Cyclist's Wife September 5, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    You are hilarious lady. Thanks for the smiles!

  34. Rachel Cooks September 5, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

    omg that video! You are the cutest. I hate you a little for how cute you are but mostly am happy for you. xo 😉

  35. Kelly @ livelovepasta September 5, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

    I *LOL* every time I read your posts…this one especially. I don’t even care that I’m at work and my cubicle neighbors think I’m crazy.

  36. Kiran @ KiranTarun.com September 5, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

    You are one gorgeous preggo lady 🙂 And that lady in TjMaxx — OMG!

  37. Holly September 5, 2013 at 3:08 pm #

    This cracked me up. I am glad to know that I am not the only woman who drooled during pregnancy. It only happened during my twin pregnancy, too. Twins=drool?? My skin was also super itchy during pregnancy. And, bless the woman who blessed your boobs. I am glad you are enjoying your pregnancy! 🙂

  38. Katie September 5, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    Teach me how to twerk. I want my baby to bounce around like that.

  39. Anouck September 5, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    I recently gave birth to my twin girls. I read your blogs with a great smile…because I got through the same…..and believe me…, everything will be allright so just enjoy your amazing pregnancy! Greetings from Holland!

  40. Tara Stevens September 5, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    Dear Bev,

    I am so thankful that I’ve stumbled across your blog a little over a year ago and I am still amazed. You are such an inspiration and I am sooo over the moon thrilled for you and your hubby about your double blessing. Keep on doing what you’re doing, girl! Your glowing face just makes me happy. If I’m having a bad day, I just need to read one of your posts and I howl with tears of joy. Especially today, your twerking clip just had me in stitches. 🙂 The whole Miley thing is just ridiculous… as if comparing herself to the legendary classy-at-times Madonna. What. Ev.

    My boyfriend and I have both taken turns on many of your recipes and we love them to death!

    I hope one day to have twins as well, (my father is one and there are two sets on his parents side) I wish you all the best of luck in this incredible journey and I cannot express how thankful I am that you’re sharing it with us.

    Toodles! 🙂

    PS OMG, I believe the little old lady was blessing your milk. lol

  41. Elissa September 5, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

    I started reading your blog (and subscribed via email) about a month ago. I love following you pregnancy and reading your stories! You look radiant! When I was pregnant with my son my belly was constantly itching and my good guy friend would slap my hand and hand me my cocoa butter whenever he saw me going to scratch it. He believed scratching it causes stretch marks. I didn’t get any so I guess it worked 🙂

  42. Steph September 5, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

    Errmuhgerd! I forgot about all that dang saliva!! That’s a weird one, well, pregnancy is just weird. You look awesome!

  43. Rachel September 5, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

    So, after reading your hilarious stories and watching the twerking video this morning, I came back again just to giggle. Love it all.

  44. Jenny September 5, 2013 at 9:32 pm #

    Belly itching was the worst, before long you just do it and don’t even notice and then after you give birth you still do it, out of habit and you’re like what? Just wait….just wait until after you give birth if you think your body is doing some red spot popping Houdini tricks on you now, mine has never been the same.

    ALL WORTH IT THOUGH A thousand times over. Twerk it Girl!

  45. Jessica September 5, 2013 at 10:07 pm #

    oh good lord, you’re my favorite. hahaha oh aaron!

  46. movita beaucoup September 6, 2013 at 6:04 am #

    I’m a ballet teacher (turned baker). Dance professionals can’t ever leave it at, “good try.” It would build too much self-esteem. Thus, I have a twerk-improving suggestion. Try more thrusting. As in: thrust your pelvis forward whilst throwing your bless-worthy bust backwards. Also, those dots you’ve got poppin’ up? Connect ’em with a foam finger. Twerk Majesty Complete.

  47. Alla September 6, 2013 at 6:11 am #

    Looking great!!! oh and I spent some time in italy and touching Right breast is for good luck. except you’re supposed to touch YOUR OWN breast not someone else’s!

    • Bev Weidner September 6, 2013 at 7:01 am #

      You. Are. Kidding. Me!!! I’m so glad it at least MEANS something, even if she halfway molested me. Thanks for letting me know!

  48. Maria September 6, 2013 at 9:58 am #

    You look FAB! So happy for you! xo

  49. Becky September 6, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

    I had those little red dots on my tummy when I was pregnant too and they were so itchy! I’m pretty sure they were PUPPS. I feel like I tried everything but what eventually worked was using PINE TAR SOAP a few times a day in the shower and then applying a natural alternative to cortizone cream that I found at my local organics store. Changed my life! Best of luck!

  50. Mary-Clay @ Cooking with the King September 7, 2013 at 5:18 pm #

    I really want to be your best friend. This. This is fantastic.

  51. Shaina September 11, 2013 at 3:18 pm #

    You’re the cutest.

  52. Cookie and Kate September 12, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    Oh man, Bev! You crack me up. Can’t wait to see you and your belly at the shower.

  53. Lisa | With Style and Grace September 14, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    yes to all the above! for maternity clothes, I lived in XL workout shorts and non-maternity tank tops ALL DAY LONG. but I also didn’t leave the house so I’m probably not much help. I heard this site has great clothes though – http://us.asos.com/Women-Maternity/rsry2/?cid=5813&via=top

  54. Des September 17, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    You look amazing! And those little red dots, I got them when I was pregnant too. I got a really awesome one…right on the tip of my nose. Looked like Rudolph for the last half of my pregnancy. It was fun.

  55. Sarah @ Well Dined September 17, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    Oh my gosh, you are too funny! That video is possibly the best thing I have ever seen.

  56. Meghan January 23, 2014 at 12:41 am #

    I can’t even…. I have no babies (I’m an auntie to 2 boys, a 2yr-3mo and a 3 mo) and I know you already had your babies but I still loved going back and reading through your experience….you looked beautiful, amazing, but everything below the twerking video, well, I couldn’t get through it because I couldn’t stop watching the video!!! Amazing.

    In all seriousness, I have an IVF story very close to home and I am so so soooooooooo happy that it worked for you, and not only worked, but got you one of each!! You were clearly meant to be a mother, and I look forward to reading many stories of your little ones 🙂

    You wore pregnancy beautifully…. I can only imagine what motherhood will bring for you!! Congratulations to you and your gorgeous family 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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